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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this a red flag or am I overreacting?

34 replies

BlackBooks · 12/07/2011 09:24

Namechanger here. Don't really want to broach this one with RL friends yet...

I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now that I met online. It all seems quite promising - he is funny, thoughtful, attractive, smart, etc etc etc. A few years younger than me, no kids. Last week, we slept together for the first time. All at my instigation - invited him back to mine, no pressure from him.

Anyway, all was going fine, until about halfway through the third shag he put his hand around my throat. It took me a few seconds to realise that this was an intentional 'move' and that I didn't like it. I couldn't breathe. I didn't say anything but took his hand away, quite firmly. He gave a sort of embarrassed laugh and we carried on, no other weirdness from him but no apology either.

Am I overreacting to be a leetle bit concerned about that? Don't get me wrong - I am no prude, I consider myself to be pretty sexually adventurous in fact, I have no issue with anything really (children and animals excepted, of course) but I do think that it should all be consenting - and that first night together it's probably best to keep it fairly vanilla unless otherwise clearly indicated!

Or did he just get a bit carried away, do you think? I mean, he did stop as soon as I made it clear I didn't like it, he didn't try again, etc. There's nothing else in his behaviour so far that gives cause for concern, although of course I've not known him for long. Maybe he had an ex that liked it and he just forgot himself in the heat of the moment, as it were?

We're due to spend this weekend together, at his. Do you think I should say something before we get down to it (ahem) or should I just see what happens and then deal with it?

WWYD?

OP posts:

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mo3d · 12/07/2011 09:29

It sounds like its something he likes and thought hed see if you did too. If hes happy to leave it alone cause you dont like it then I cant see a prob. A chat just to clear that up might be a good idea though.

JeremyVile · 12/07/2011 09:30

In isolation I wouldn't say it was a concern, plenty of people would love it, you didn't and he stopped.
I agree it probably shouldn't be something for the first time (without any indication from you that you'd be into that sort of thing) but I wouldn't be concerned about it.
Whether or not you talk to him about it is up to you, I wouldn't but you probably should if it has bothered you.

thesunshinesbrightly · 12/07/2011 09:32

Yep he likes it you don't. Make sure you tell him.

HairyGrotter · 12/07/2011 09:35

I wouldn't be too concerned as he respected your wishes and moved his hand away and didn't pursue it further. I would be open with him, express that it's not something that is comfortable for you but you're happy to discuss other sexual activities that might suit you both.

Communicate your wants and desires, make it clear so that he knows and can be open with you! Enjoy

MOSP · 12/07/2011 09:44

Why would anyone like a hand around their throat??? Why?? I'd be scared of him.

BlackBooks · 12/07/2011 09:47

Excellent, thank you - you've all said pretty much what I was hoping to hear!

I think my normality radar may be a bit off, tbh. My last relationship was with a guy who had serious issues around sex and made me feel like some sort of twisted nymphomaniac for wanting anything other than the missionary position in bed with all the lights off...

I shall give this new chap the benefit of the doubt then (several times a night, hopefully )

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 12/07/2011 09:50

Do have a little chat with him about it, perhaps in a wider chat about things you like and don't like. As everyone else said, the fact that he stopped doing it when you made it clear you weren't keen is a good sign. It's probably something that a former partner of his liked and he thought you might like it too.

HairyGrotter · 12/07/2011 09:51

My last partner was a deviant in the bedroom which made me wholly uncomfortable and that's coming from a lady who likes a little 'crazy' in the bed. Tried to fist me and all sorts, having been told I wasn't prepared to try that 2 weeks in to our relationship...now that's a fucking red flag lol

Enjoy, hope he does too and if you're walking straight then I'll be most disappointed!

kaluki · 12/07/2011 09:51

No on its own its not a problem, but if he tries something else a bit kinky or pressures you then run away fast.
If you are concerned though you could always bring it up in conversation, I think at this stage its good to discuss sex and what you like and don't like, clears things up from the off!!!

lubeybooby · 12/07/2011 09:53

Wouldn't say it was a red flag but you will have to talk about it... and if he does it again then it would be instant dumping.

BlackBooks · 12/07/2011 09:54

X-post with MOSP!

Umm, it wasn't scary so much as rather unpleasant, and surprising. As I said, no issues here with kink, BDSM, whatever, but I think it needs to be approached with caution with a new partner! Being unable to breathe is not high on my list of turn-ons, though I know it is for some...

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 12/07/2011 11:33

Had you already talked a little bit about kink and BDSM? What sometimes happens is that people each assume the other means the same thing by 'kinky' sex, or that certain moves in their repertoire will be liked by someone who likes some of the others. If you had never discussed kink, or if you had already said that you were not into it, this would perhaps be a bit more alarming but, as has already been said, he stopped as soon as he realised you weren't enjoying it, and you don't mention him having been pouty about it either. It's not uncommon (or wicked) to put a move on a new partner experimentally, as long as you stop when asked.

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2011 12:21

Am I the only one who would have stopped right then? If a man put his hands round my throat during sex, I'd be out of the house as fast as I could and would never see him again.

ShoutyHamster · 12/07/2011 12:27

I would see it as a red flag yes - not because there's anything wrong with liking that or doing it, but because that would be very very much something that should be done only once you'd talked about it so you knew where you were. Because unlike a lot of things that has the potential to really frighten someone. And it's really not something that everyone would like. You couldn't breathe ffs. And you hardly knew him, really. Potentially really scary. So part of me would be thinking that maybe he liked that idea, that he'd given you a shock. And I wouldn't like that idea one bit.

Hmmmmm I don't know. I see what everyone else is saying. But I wouldn't like it. It would get my radar up about him, that's for sure.

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2011 12:29

But how desperate are women to find a man that they will see a man who has already tried to choke them?

garlicnutter · 12/07/2011 13:24

Another "talk about it" here. Maybe his last partner liked it. Or maybe he's into 'near-death' sex, whatever that thing's called. If the former, all you've got to do is tell him you don't like it. If the latter ... erm, proceed with extreme caution!

It's not an unusual preference, btw, though it is unusual to do it so hard you can't breathe. Remember you have the absolute right to veto any activity that doesn't make you feel great.

shocked2 · 12/07/2011 13:29

Hi - am going to sound naive, but can somebody explain what happens if both partners consent that is: one partner places there hands around the other partner's neck and then??

shocked2 · 12/07/2011 13:32

Oh, and did not choose my name in order to post on this thread - have had it for a while :).

JeremyVile · 12/07/2011 13:33

...there isn't necessarily a then.
Do you mean is there squeezing? Maybe if that's what they like, maybe not, they may just like the sensation of the hand around the throat.

CrapolaDeVille · 12/07/2011 13:34

I have done this with a past bf never with DH. It's within normal range of sex lives and as long as he doesn't try it again I don't see a problem.

CrapolaDeVille · 12/07/2011 13:35

Definitely talk about it.

HairyGrotter · 12/07/2011 13:38

Asphyxiation is not too abnormal in sexual practices for many. It doesn't float my boat, but I really don't think I'd be making a massive deal of it and running away. I'd speak with him, explain it's not your bag and move on.

Only the OP can say if it was done in a way that indicates malice or to really feel uncomfrotable. Your gut would tell you

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garlicnutter · 12/07/2011 13:47

Found it!
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotic_asphyxiation
Warning: risk of fatality.

I may as well say I like a hand around my neck, though NOT squeezing! I find it comforting for some reason, and that's despite having been strangled for real. I often sit with my neck resting on my hand.

Somebody tell me tell me it's not weird!??

mo3d · 12/07/2011 13:51

We're all weird in some way or other. You just voiced yours that's all

HairyGrotter · 12/07/2011 13:53

I don't think it's weird garlicnutter and I'm an undergraduate of Psychology and Criminal Behaviour lol

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