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Really want to leave, don't know where to start

(11 Posts)
Paintinmyhair Tue 12-Jul-11 09:17:49

Dp and I are supposed to be getting married in 8 weeks. I felt pressured into saying yes when he proposed (didn't want to hurt his feelings, but gut instinct said nooooo!). Left the country for 6 months with dd shortly afterward. Found it tough as we had no car, but emotionally it was so liberating. Now am back, and into the reality that I have to be with him forever. His family are so excited for him, my dad has told me I marry him or he cuts me off, and his mum has helped him financially re. the wedding (although we have only paid deposits so far).

Am petrified of telling everyone, as there wil be a mob after me with flaming torches. We own a house together, and he has spent a lot of his savings as I was in a financial mess when he met us. We own the house on a 50/50 share, both put £50k in and have £100k mortgage. I would want to buy him out of the house, but feel I owe him a great deal of money. The house is part way through being renovated, so we can't sell, as I can only do bits when I can. The thought of intimacy makes me skin creep. Dd hates him, and I am worried I have ruined her life too. I've tried to leave a number of times, but he goes all emotional and pretends we can sort it out. Where do I start?

Paintinmyhair Tue 12-Jul-11 09:18:39

50 50 share being that we own half each, not shared ownership.

kyacat Tue 12-Jul-11 10:37:30

Don't do it! It may seem like an impossible task to call it off, but the difficulty in doing so is nothing compared to separating after it. My best friend went through this and she eventually left and divorced him and it was awful for everyone involved.

Everyone else will be disappointed and upset, but you have to put yourself and your DD first. It's easier to go through with it but think what the situation will be like once you're LEGALLY bound - much, much more complicated, hurtful and messy!

Paintinmyhair Tue 12-Jul-11 11:57:42

I know i need to go, and told dp in person that I needed space, but he didn't listen, so I sent him a message today. Cowardly I know, but it is the only way he will listen. The main problem is where to go now. I have £37 in my bank account, £36 of which is owed to someone, and the rest of my money is in the joint account that he has access to, not me. Short of camping in the garden I don't know what to do. All our friends are join friends, and they won't want to be caught up in the mess of it all.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 12-Jul-11 12:08:31

my dad has told me I marry him or he cuts me off

Can I ask why he thinks this, and in what context he thought it appropriate to say such a thing to you?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 12-Jul-11 12:09:20

the rest of my money is in the joint account that he has access to, not me

If it's a joint account, how can only he have access to it?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 12-Jul-11 12:22:04

Addressing your thread headline, paintinmyhair: You say you really want to leave. This is your gut instinct and decision. Great: you know your own mind.

But you are panicked about "where to start": family and finances seem to be the biggest obstacles in your mind, and they are all jumbled together.

How about making a list of the practical steps that need to be taken, in order to help you sort out the practical steps from the emotional obstacles?

- get access to joint account
- meet with CAB or legal advisor to discuss my financial rights
- sit P down for a talk, be firm and clear about my intentions
- etc.

On the emotional side, both his family and yours seem to have a very strong hold on you, to the extent that you even feel embarrassed about communicating your feelings and needs to your partner so you are doing it by text. It is not your father's decision who you marry. Really. And you can make a decision to leave even if your P doesn't "listen" and give you his blessing to call off the marriage. Really.

Think about your needs: what you want, and how you can make it happen. And then do it. You don't need other people's approval.

ShoutyHamster Tue 12-Jul-11 12:36:16

So, emotionally blackmailing and controlling the money too? Hey I can see why you want to leave grin

Yes DO IT. Most of all for your daughter. But sit tight in that house and firstly make sure you get access to the joint account. In what sense is it joint? Do you work? Does your cash go in there? If it's actually in his name with only his money going into it but called the joint account, then it's not, really... but if you have earnings going into it or earnings that have gone into it, then you need access. If your name is actually on the account but for whatever reason you don't have a card/the details - then don't talk to him, just get straight on to the bank. And then get out whatever part of it is yours.

Bugger everything else. It's your life, your daughter's happiness. If your dad would cut you off, then let him. Forget about his family. Friends won't have to take sides if you don't make them. You cannot stay with him - marrying him is basically signing up to a messy divorce in a couple of years' time when you can't bear it any longer.

Stop feeling sorry for him - he's refusing to listen to you and trying to blackmail you into staying. That's terrible. And pointless too. Do BOTH of you a favour and stick to your guns this time.

Good luck!

Paintinmyhair Tue 12-Jul-11 12:48:13

Thank you all.

I think the best way to do this is to get out of the house for the next week, find out rights, and then deal with it from there. I have found a sofa to sleep on, and have some money in a savings account, but a) it won't go very far, and b) I think it may be locked in until next year! I will go in and ask though.

The joint account has both our names on it, but my income (which is 10k) is used for food, clothing etc so stays in my sole account, and part of dp's income (20k) goes into the joint account and pays the bills. Whatever is left he puts into his savings account, and any money I get in way of tax relief, presents etc goes into the joint account also. There should be a bit of money in there that is mine, but I'm not sure, as dp sometimes moves it into his account. I feel such relief at getting out that I don't care if the whole world hates me! I'm just angry that I may have squandered my only chance of owning a home. I'm never going to get a mortgage again, as I earn too little sad

UnhappyLizzie Tue 12-Jul-11 13:06:05

I've stayed for ages. I've asked my husband for a separation many times but backed down - he gets emotional. Lots of practical reasons not to separate, like you.

I've asked him again and need to stick to my guns this time. It's really hard, but things can't get better for you I don't think. Stop making excuses for not doing it. I'm not being harsh there, I've done it so many times myself so I know how easy it is.

It's hard being strong enough to get out. Many aren't. You absolutely cannot marry this man. Sod the flaming torches people.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 12-Jul-11 13:12:13

Change the tax credits so they go to your personal account. Ensure you have all important papers ie passports & birth certificates in a safe place.

I'd actually get legal advice before moving out.

It doesn't sound a nice situation, why does all spare money go to his savings account, why don't you both have accessto spare money?

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