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need some tough words.

(10 Posts)
LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay Mon 11-Jul-11 20:59:31

Reposting here, as I think I've put it on the wrong board, no replies as yet.
I just need some help, really.

Had this really weird dream last night, where a colleague that I'm very close to, office-wise, in terms of working closely on work, in terms of finding it SO easy to chat to, was working really close to me (on a bed in the office? WHAT???) and ended up turning his face to me in such a way as to obviously be an encouragement to a snog. Which I did. And then I woke up.

God, I can't get this out of my head. He asked me a few months back whether I'd ever considered being unfaithful. Not to sound bonkers, but I'm not sure he really meant it to sound as utterly MAD as it did - I just laughed it off and said 'no of course not'... He has often asked how I am re. marriage (I've confided once in him about my DH having very bad SAD and that it's not always been terribly easy in my marriage.) He has raised this as a topic of conversation several times - how I'm feeling, how I am. He also told me that I had a lovely figure once. And the awful thing is, that wasn't out of place in the conversation we were having - this is how far things have gone (shame...)

If I didn't think it was overdramatizing it, I'd say we've hovered once or twice near EA territory, but it's never happened. In fairness to him, he's not been like that at all recently, but it has preyed on my mind several times and now I'm just feeling totally mad.

Am I nearly being unfaithful here? I would NEVER do anything physical, the thought utterly terrifies me and I think it's wrong wrong wrong, it's just that can I please have some 'sort yourself out you silly bitch' type comments here, as I just have totally weirded myself out today and had to avoid him at work, as it was too embarrassing in my head to even look at him.

Can't spend too long on here as DH thinks MN is the spawn of the devil (and I should be marking books... sigh...) but some support and slaps would help enormously, please. Anybody who has any words of wis would be most welcome in my headspace! I don't understand how I'm in this position!

I'm so sorry about the length of post.

MigratingCoconuts Mon 11-Jul-11 21:04:47

<slaps lost round the face with a big wet fish>

The guy sounds like a predator to me; sniffing around too much.

the dream does suggest you are missing something in your marriage. I feel for you as it can be so emotionally traumatic to sort out your feelings and understand what is going on!

Think about that and what you want to do to fix it.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay Mon 11-Jul-11 21:13:12

I know I'm missing stuff from the marriage, but overall my DH is too good and decent a man to be hurt, and we have three kids. So I'm pretty stuck, really. I don't fancy him anymore and have sort of reconciled myself to this, albeit sadly, as I'm going to be only 40 this year... but the rest of the package is pretty darned good, so I don't think it's right to disturb it. And it's not so fair on the rest of the family, just because I'm not deliriously happy, you know?.....

You know - the thought of considering this guy as a predator is so fucking funny. He'd probably shit himself sideways if I took him up on something.

However, thank you - your advice is kind.

MigratingCoconuts Mon 11-Jul-11 21:17:02

sorry...I've clearly got that wrong then. Its just the way your post reads to me. Nobody decent would try to tempt you to an affair, is my feeling.

thisisyesterday Mon 11-Jul-11 21:27:18

it sounds to me like he is just trying to be a good friend... asking after you, asking about your husband etc etc and perhaps you are reading more into it because you are unhappy with your marriage? or, not ecstatically happy?

i once had a really vivid dream about David Tennant. In real life he is sooooo not my type, never fancied him at all, however in my dream i was leaving dp to live with him and i woke up during a passionate embrace.
it actually took me a couple of days to get over it! it was SO real that when I woke up I actually still wanted to find him and leave dp blush lol

my point being that the feelings you had after this dream can happen even when the dream is about someone you have never even met... and in your case the feelings are stronger because it involves someone you are actually close to.

would you like that slap now??? wink

is your DH happy with the relationship? does he know how you feel? do you think you would benefit from some kind of relationship counselling to try and get that spark back?

Fairenuff Mon 11-Jul-11 21:34:53

Feelings in a dream can be very strong and do hang around once you're awake.

I once dreamed my DH was horrible to me and I when I woke up I was so cross with him I could barely speak to him and was in a right mood all day!

So brace yourself - slap -

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay Mon 11-Jul-11 21:35:25

Hmmm, that's a bit painful - it's down to me, not the colleague... Honestly, if you knew him you'd probably think that too. He's a nice guy, seems too 'fluffy' to be predatory, I suppose?

My dh has developed a very strong tranny streak which I accept, because his trying to ignore it only leads to worse depression. I don't like it, it has certainly removed any desire for him totally - we have sex, purely because i need sex sometimes, and it's not because I fancy HIM iyswim. I put up with the transvestism, purely because to be honest, it's less hassle than having him depressed. I guess if there were no kids, I'd probably not stay with him if Im being brutal - although I love him to bits and value his tremendous kindess and support in all that I do. He's genuinely a lovely man. Who happens to be a tranny and I'm afraid I'm just not into it. It's certainly a secret outside of the house -my parents would die if they knew - and I would too, I'm afraid. I would also be embarrassed. Be that wrong or right, it's how I feel. I had NO idea of it before we got married.

I suppose I have read too much into my colleague's comments - purely because I want to know that I could if I wanted to... a bit of a spark woudl be so much fun, really, although I am also old enough to realise that it would end in tears, and I simply don't countenance adultery. I have three kids, leaving my marriage - even for nobody else - is simply out of the question.

I read this and realise how pathetic I sound, but I do appreciate the feedback. Although I have to disagree. I woudl so TOTALLY jump David Tennant if I could. Wow!

Fairenuff Mon 11-Jul-11 21:44:34

Well Lost Identity imo that's a totally different scenario now. Are you saying you're only staying in the marriage for the sake of the children?

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay Mon 11-Jul-11 21:51:48

no, not totally. We are happy, I find him very interesting, we talk huge amounts, he's my best friend, when we do have sex it can be extremely good - just not often, for the reasons outlined... And sometimes it's not good for me because I don't love him, which doesn't make for the best sex!
I am just not in love with him anymore. I have thought of leaving him, quite coldly and dispassionately considered it - but I would be lonely without him because we are such good friends, iyswim. We do make a really good pair, we work well together. I just am not in love with him and find his transvestism a turn off. It's too easy to say it's for the sake of the children. Maybe becuase the 'love' has gone, I've weighed up other pros and cons. He is a househusband and this allows me to have an extremely interesting and fun job that I love. My house is spectacular in a beautiful part of the country. I would lose all of this and most importantly, the good family unit that my children have, were I to leave him (the colleague isn't figuring here, naturally)... I know how cold this may read, but believe you me, I've had long enough to think it all through and come down to hard facts, which you have to do if in the position, mentally, that I've found myself in.

I think this thread is in danger of turning into something I didn't mean it to. Sorry if it has, I must seem like some kind of drip feeder of new information. That is not my intention, if nothing else, I think it's clarifying my thoughts. The dream about the colleague is a no-brainer. Fairenuff made that clear.

Sorry to waste time - thoughts of counselling are just a no hoper. He wodln't consider it, and it could only be in terms of him stopping the tranny stuff, which he can't. It's like asking a gay person to go straight. It's part of him. My bad luck, it seems!

thisisyesterday Mon 11-Jul-11 21:56:38

i know you say he wouldn't consider it, but i do think it's something worth talking to him about (the counselling that is)

it doesn't have to be with a view to stopping his transvestism. it could maybe help you come to terms with it (after all he IS the same man you married), perhaps remind you both of what you had when you first got together, maybe help him think of ways that he could have some form of transvestite behaviour without it encroaching on you too much?

i don't know, i just think it's too sad that you're stuck in a relationship with someone you feel you no longer love.
if you genuinely think that there is no future for you then perhaps you should consider splitting up? i am of the opinion that children are happier in separate homes with happy parents than in a single household with unhappy parents....

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