Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Hate DH, don't know what to do... sorry long one!(27 Posts)
Sorry a long one....
Been married for over 2 years, have 2yo DD, and another DC on the way (planned). It's always been a rocky relationship, We live far away from my family/close friends but have plenty of friends locally also. We have broken up a few times in the past. There have been a couple of minor DV incidents in the past which were never reported, and only a result of DH being so drunk he didn't know what he was doing.
He has always been a lads lad. Goes to his friends house most evenings to smoke weed, which he has always done. Stays at friends house every few weekends. (even though it's only up the road)
He stayed out on Saturday night, his friends came to pick him up and were nice as pie to me. He made me pick him up on Sunday, promising to spend time with DD, which he did to a certain extent, then he went to bed to sleep it off.
We sometimes look at each other phones, I don't think it's because we are suspicious, it's just how it is. Anyway, I found text messages from a girl, asking him if she can come over for drinks, and also received calls from her on the Sat night at 2am. He has also received text messages from another of his mates telling him: if he is looking for sex, then these are the best places in town to find it....
When I confronted him, he said it's all in my head. He hasn't done anything wrong, he will tell this girl to stop texting him, it's all innocent, she's an old friend, and I am over reacting over nothing.
He says I am to blame as I am 'out of proportion' at the minute due to hormones.
We have had a lot of arguments recently, as he expects me to work full time (same as him), come home, do all childcare for DD, all cooking, cleaning, washing, housework... despite the fact that I have been terribly sick during this pregnancy and am physically exhausted on a daily basis.
I have asked him to stay with local family/friends for few days to give me space, but he refused. He knows if backed into a corner I have no option but to leave 100 of miles to my own family, and then him and his family can blame me for breaking up the marriage and taking DCs away from him....
I don't know what to do next. He won't communicate, try counselling, even compromise on the smallest things, or realise that this is not all my fault.
Why are you with him exactly, what are you getting out of this relationship now?. I would really like an answer to that question.
Where do you see yourself in a year's time?.
He won't change; you can only change how you react to him. I would now be preparing for life with two children as a single parent tbh.
You need support and help for your own self; Womens Aid can and will help you here. But you need to take that first, and hardest step, to get out. He has also been violent towards you previously; you cannot and should not excuse that on his part because of drink. The only acceptable level of violence within a relationship is none.
Counselling is a waste of time for such damaged men; these men always think they are right.
You have no life to speak of with this man, I am wondering why you are still there after all that has happened to you.
If your relationship has always been rocky why have you chosen to bring another child into this situation?. Was that ultimately his idea as well as isolating you from your own family network?. He has acted despicably throughout.
Controlling behaviours too are abusive behaviours.
You poor thing. This sounds like a mess and I feel terribly for you and your DD and unborn.
O'k, so he has behaved despicably. However, not just this one-off. The smoking, the lack of support, the absence... it all adds up to him being a complete loser.
In the short term, moving away and on from him will be hard, and you will probably find yourself questioning yourself on numerous occasions. But a few months of discomfort, hassle and sadness will lead on to to life of freedom where you may meet a far far better man or indeed you may decide to have some time to yourself without the stress of this tosspot.
I am sure he has his upsides and it is this fact that will make it hard for you. Be strong, look further than the immediate future.
I will be thinking of you
Why does it matter what his family think if you move away? Regardless of what happens and how he treats you, I'm sure that somehow you'll get the blame. So that shouldn't matter.
Putting that aside, would you move to be near your family? Or can you move anyway regardless of where?
I see no reason for you to stay with this man, well none included in your post anyway. This does not sound like a loving marriage.
I am sorry, but DV is not acceptable, even if your DH is so drunk he doesn't know what he is doing. Next time it happens call the police, he sounds like a man who takes no responsibility and needs a wake up call.
What is stopping you leaving? His family blaming you? You shouldn't care what they think. If you have a close girlfriend locally tell her how you feel, otherwise just leave. You don't sound supported, respected or loved. Everyone deserves those within a marriage.
OMG, why did you plan a baby with this man, you knew what he was like
Just leave him, it could not be any harder on your own with 2 kids
You sound utterly worn down and well on your way to being a battered wife
Get the hell out, and save your kids from a the example of a shitty relationship like this
Who gives a flying fuck what people think... they don't get treated like a domestic appliance like you do
You have painted him to sound like he is not a very pleasant person. Childish and trying to live the life of a single man.
He is not a single man, yet you obviously see something in him to plan another child?
What do you see in him, what is it about him that keeps you there. You don't need our advice, you just need some soul searching and some honest decision making.
Realise this he will not change and things will be even worse when you have another child.
Do your thinking now!
Iggly well it would make sense for me to move back home if I were to leave. Nothing is keeping me here apart from work, which I was due to give up with DC2 anyway.
Regarding his family, they are so controlling, last time we were having problems they all got involved, giving me what for. It all came from them, not him.
Atilla I wasn't sure if Women's Aid would be able to help in this circumstance, as I'm not sure I really want to bring up the DV incidents, they are in the past, that's where I want to leave them?
Senorita don't worry, I have always told myself and him, if anything like that happened again I would be straight on the phone to the police, regardless of what state he is in. Sometimes I am tempted to call them about his drug taking just to get rid of him, but he doesn't bring the drugs into our house.
I know its not a good reason, but I am still with him because he has always convinced me to some back in the past. When he is nice, he is very nice, when he is bad, he is bloody awful! Plus, for DD. She is all I care about, and I am worried she is already picking up on our problems. I know it will only get worse the older she gets. When he's out she is able to tell me exactly where he is, 'at uncle so and so's house', and I have to agree with her because that's where he always is.
anyfucker I agree, I think it will be more difficult to essentially be a single mother with 2 kids living here with him than it would be living away from him.
Thanks for all your opinions. It seems to be the general consensus that I need to get my arse in gear and accept this. I don't want to be a failure though, I have tried so hard, so hard to make this work...
you are not the failure here, love
he has failed you
But getting out of this big pile of quicksand you're in WOULDN'T be failure. Failure would be turning around in 15 years, with your children off the rails (thanks to his fine example) and you stuck in so deep a rut you can neither look forward to the future or do anything to change your life for the better.
He sounds a nasty, childish, selfish, pig-headed tosser. You're getting NOTHING from him and neither are your children. His arsehole family sound the icing on the cake. Yes, leave, go to your parents, and make plans - which will hopefully involve settling down to a more peaceful life somewhere else, where your children feel more supported, you take the reins of your own life, and you don't continue to facilitate his arrogant, drug-taking lifestyle any more.
You've had the sense to see that you're headed only DOWN if you stay in this situation. So get out of it! You can. Your family will help.
You have left him and patched things up before, whether that was because of his family or not.
If you decide, and I sincerely hope you do, to leave him, you need to write down all the reasons why. Clearly and rationally. This is for you to refer to in the future in a moment of 'weakness' about returning to him. If you're going to do it, then do it for real. I am all for separating and patching things up but frankly it doesn't work, you've tried it before. Better for your DD to know you're doing something and sticking to it.
You say all you care about is your DD. Would you be satisfied if she was living your life when she is your age? Honestly? Because if not, then leave as that is exactly what will happen, your DH is setting the kind of example for her to expect from a man, which in my view is sub standard. No one is perfect but he's not being a good father or DH.
Build your life near your family, raise your children with a loving, good role model. Let him have access but be clear about why he is just not an acceptable husband.
PS you won't be a failure, you will be a strong woman who will be respected as a result.
Oh and another thing, sorry! When his family get involved you simply say 'I realise that you are fighting for your son but this is between me and him. You don't want me to list the horrible things I have been experiencing because he is someone you love, so please let us sort this out amicably but between us'.
If that doesn't work, put the phone down (you will be 100 miles away after all) soon after saying 'fuck off and mind your own business'.
You cannot make a relationship work on your own; he is patently not interested. His family made him what he is today.
You are not the failure here; he is. You will only be a failure if you're still with him in say a decade's time when your children as well are emotionally harmed by this himself damaged individual.
OMG, why did you plan a baby with this man, you knew what he was like
he expects me to work full time (same as him), come home, do all childcare for DD, all cooking, cleaning, washing, housework... despite the fact that I have been terribly sick during this pregnancy and am physically exhausted on a daily basis
Fuck this deadweight off. Was he dragging his knuckles on the ground when you met him. Christ. Seriously. What he wants is a slave not a wife.
Sounds horrendous. Not surprised that you hate him.
Ultimately it matters not a jot what his family or anyone else thinks of you - there's absolutely no reason why you should give them any consideration. Get as far away as you can - if your family are 100 miles away, so much the better.
He is treating you with utter contempt, it is damaging for your self respect. He is doing nothing for you emotionally or practically. You will probably find being a single parent easier than living with this corrosive man.
The DV is not in the past, it's still ongoing, it's just not physical at the moment. This is from the Women's Aid website; "In Women's Aid's view domestic violence is physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour." It sounds as though he is very controlling. You're heavily pregnant and isolated from your family. He has a sense of entitlement a mile wide which is why he thinks it's OK for him not to share the household chores, to behave as though he were a single man etc. I think you should phone Women's Aid or at least look at their web site.
Astonishing how many complete arseholes seem to end up with suffering saints.
Did he marry you because you were pregnant?
amazing how many posters see fit to question why you had another child planned. I wonder how many of them have survived DV situations...
Oh yes, that's it I'm INSANE, why didn't I think of that. What a wonderful piece of advice.
Definitely, get out. If his family harass you, or threaten you or are likely to become physically aggressive (after all, he learned it somewhere) you can get restraining orders against them just as easily as you can get one against him.
It;s never going to get any better with this wanker, and it is going to get steadily worse. You can escape. Best of luck.
Thanks everyone for positive advice!
Going to get out, and move away to start up on our own. If he or his family kick off, then I can make it very difficult for them all. He won't try to stop us, he'll just make life miserable until he gets bored and realise he can't win this time!
Join the discussion
Please login first.