is there a way foward?

[imawigglyworm]

Me and Dh have been together almsot 10 yrs but lately it just ssems like theres nothing there anymore .
I do love him but I have no sex drive lately whereas his is very high, This is probably the basis to most of our problems. I want a bit more affection and he wants me to be im the mood more its like a vicious circle.
We have a very busy stressful life Dh works but when hes home all he wants to do is sit in front of the tv, wont help round the house (I dont expect much help but a bit would really help me out), doesnt play with DC, etc Yet hes more than happy to do his hobbies football etc.
He seems secretive when it comes to his friends and when we go out as a couple hes really different around them. I really dont think he'd cheat on me.
We just seem to be constantly argueing and Im really starting to feel this is the end of the line for us weve tried sorting things but just get no where.

Im not keen on the thought of marrigae counselling, has it helped anyone? Also dont see the point in a break again has anyone dont this and it helped?
Just feels like we want different things, hes not the same man I married. I feel like a single mum most of the time and I just dont see a way foward atm.
Its hard to get everything across but I hope that makes sense.

[imawigglyworm]

Should also add that he doesnt seem intersted in the 'whole' relationship just the sex side of things.

[HerHissyness]

Why on earth are you not keen on counselling? it's worth a shot, surely?

You need to negotiate a way for him to take part of the responsibility for parenting and helping run the home.

Relate could help.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Have you told him how you feel? What's his response?

[imawigglyworm]

Herhissyness, ive had councilling in the past for other issues and I never really found that it helped. I never said I wouldnt try it im just not sure from past experience if its the best step forward, but I will try anything, DH isnt a great talker he tends to just blow up and acts very kid like (sulks, and has a strop) But I never got married for it to end like this.

Chicken, We have discussed things over and over and initially things would get better but then it just slips back to the usual way and we argue again and now its got to the point where I think we probably both just ignore it as it seems easier (although its not) and as I said we have quite a stressful everyday life, I dont have the energy to keep argueing. But at the same time we cant go on like this.

I think relate might be the next step will take a look at their website. thanks.

[princessandme]

Hi i have literally just joined mumsnet hello :)
I find myself in almost exactly the same situation as you and just wanted to say you are not alone!!

If you want to make it work and can see yourself coming out of it the other side then some kind of mediation or counselling could be of some help as pp said its worth a shot!! Depends on how you really feel about your relationship and if you think its gone beyond that.

(((hugs))))
donna xx

[HerHissyness]

You need someone to mediate your discussions. otherwise it will end, and that doesn't sound like it's what you want.

Fight for it, it's worth a chance... unless he's abusive and then it's not. it'd be doomed then, pretty much.

[tostaky]

just to say i am pretty much in the same bat as you and today ive looked up at some councelling.
in the past i had counselling for myself on an unrelated problem and it worked wonders!
hoping this time around things will improve too, i hate to think of life as a dad-free family...

[RedGreenBlue]

OP

Just to say that while sex can sometimes take on an almost overwhelming prevalance in a relationship, it's more often the symptom than the cause.

I'm also in a relationship where my sex drive is far higher than DW's (which took a nose-dive a year ago). I sometimes feel like it's the only thing I can think about, and I'm sure sometimes DW thinks it's the only thing I am interested in.

But it really isn't that important, it just get's magnified the longer it goes on.

This isn't massively helpful because:
(a) you'd still need to find what else is wrong;
(b) I haven't sorted mine out yet so I can't help there!

[imawigglyworm]

Thanks for all the repiles and thank you redgreenblue for the otherside to the problem, its always good to see things from other peoples point of view.
Its not am abusive relationship in anyway so its not doomed, he just seems like his hearts no in it anymore, he seems happier away from me than he does with me. When he is with me hes unhelpful, ignorant and grumpy.

We were getting on better yesterday but as we went to bed DS3 woke up and wouldnt settle (hes SN and has bad sleeping problems I have not had a full nights sleep in 2 yrs and that unfortunatly isnt an exageration). cause DH was awake we took it in turns to try and settle DS until he started shouting at DS and getting stroppy. So he just went to sleep and left me to do it all. I understand he has to work and I wouldnt expect him to stay up until stupid oclock. But a bit of help would be nice. DH is a heavy sleeper so im ALWAYS the one to deal with DS, I have him attatched to me most of the day as DH doesnt cope very well with him and seems like he doesnt want to try.
So this has again caused an arguement and hes probably not talking to me. And that never seems to bother him. I dont want to be a dad free family but sometimes it feels like the easier option as i do most of it by myself anyway. Ive just really had enough!

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

The reason you are less interested in sex is because of this man's behaviour ie it's his own fault that he's not getting much. Because a man who does nothing round the house (and makes no effort to care for his partner in any other way, either: no suprises, no kindnesses, no compliments, nothing but whining for sex) makes it clear that he considers his partner to be his servant, and that's a massive turn-off - sex has become another service you're expected to provide him with.

[imawigglyworm]

I agree, It is a massive turn off and ive told him that (im very clear about telling him how I feel) but most of the time all I get is 'but im so horny' 'we havent done anything in x days'
He never used to be like this but at the same time we never used to have 3 kids, etc. He just seems to of changed so much over the years.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

Unfortunately this man is a misogynistic selfish shitbag and very unlikely to change. The bottom line is he doesn't think you're a person - you're a domestic appliance with a fuckable orifice. He won't have changed very much from the beginning: the trouble with entitled sexists like this is that it's easy to ignore and minimize their view that you are inferior and only exist for their benefit, when you are first dating (particularly if the man is attractive and a good shag/good fun as long as things are going his way). Trouble sets in when the first baby arrives as the man will act up when he sees he is not the woman's top priority any more. You have 3 DC now but he is still expecting you to be his Hoover-with-tits. No wonder you are fed up.