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I'm back from holiday, and googled "daughters of narcissistic mothers"

(10 Posts)
ImpyCelyn Mon 11-Jul-11 10:39:47

As my parents are still ignoring me, still angry and are carrying out their supposedly retracted threat.

Also DH saw Dad at work today (DH is now looking for a new job) and Dad asked him to pass on the message that on Friday (the day before I got back) Mum had to be taken from the GP to the hospital in an ambulance due to chest pain. The hospital found nothing wrong, but Dad has implied it's due to stress caused by me causing trouble again.

Anyway, the website pretty much describes our relationship, a few differences here and there, but overall I think I am the scapegoat child of a narcissistic mother. She's also and engulfing mother, and I am well and truly entangled.

The website basically says that the only way forward is no contact. I think I agree, but I'm not sure I'm at the point where I really believe it's the only option. Is there any other way?

I know lots of people are going to tell me off for continuing to engage with my parents and not just cutting them off, but I just can't seem to do it. I hold out and I hold out and in the end the pressure gets too much and I can't stand it and I apologise.

Also, DH (who has lovely parents and is a lovely, kind person) thinks that at the very least I should acknowledge that my mother was taken to hospital and send her a text hoping she's better. I think I don't need to. They couldn't be bothered to tell me directly, and as I'm persona non grata anyway I don't see why I should play her game.

I wish I didn't care enough to even bother posting this.

Playdohinthewashingmachine Mon 11-Jul-11 11:56:12

Will your dh read that website? Talk, talk, talk with him. Talk about your childhood with him - it will start to open his eyes. And there will be stuff that you still think was normal and he will tell you it wasn't!

www.lightshouse.org is good too.

I'm not sure what the back history is, but if the hospital thing happened on Friday and there was nothing wrong, then your mum is completely capable of phoning you. Given that there is nothing wrong with her, and that you have just got back from holiday, a loving, interested mum would give you a quick call/text to ask about your holiday. But you are not obliged to call her any more than she is obliged to call you.

The half-way house on no contact is to back right off and see/talk to them as much as you want to. Which may not work but is a slower route for you. Them suddenly needing the hospital when you back off is really classic though.

ImpyCelyn Mon 11-Jul-11 12:34:03

I've sent him a link. He's going away on a school trip for 4 days, but I'm hoping we can talk about it when we get back. The more I've talked about my parents and childhood the more he's come to understand the issues, and also to lose any good feelings he originally felt towards them (my mum did a great job on him when they first met). I think he thought I was unreasonable to start with.

They looked after DS on Saturday (long-standing arrangement due to a wedding, otherwise I'd have cancelled it), so she was well enough for that. Dad came to pick DS up, didn't say a word to me or acknowledge me, much less ask after the trip, which considering I was gone for 2 weeks and just did an overnight transatlantic flight solo with DS I thought was pretty rude. Apparently he's pissed off because I didn't say hello to him. They threatened to ignore me when I went, so I thought I'd test it, sure enough he did and then blamed me.

I think we're at the back right off stage. We needed a babysitter on Saturday so they took DS and DH picked him up, but until they actually speak to me civilly I'm not going to make any contact with them. DH told Dad that I would speak to them but not if there would be an argument, Dad said they'd better leave it for a while then, so at this point I'm certainly not going to engage with them. We'll see how it goes.

Thanks for the link, it looks really helpful!

Pakdooik Mon 11-Jul-11 14:19:48

I wish I'd known about Narcs some years back when my toxic MIL was alive. It would have made my life easier

One of her favourite tricks was the Saturday night ambulance ride. She was a large woman with a very frail husband. She's throw herself on the floor and the only way he could get her up was by calling the ambulance, which meant a check-up in A&E.

It was all attention seeking of course and in the end they blacklisted her

lizziemun Mon 11-Jul-11 14:33:33

I think it a 'classic' narc sympton (from what I have read on here), when things arn't going their way. And if it true why on earth did they not contact you about baby sitting on the next day and cancel.

I'm sure some one with a lot more experience will be along to give you more useful advice.

Playdohinthewashingmachine Mon 11-Jul-11 18:32:16

Oh, I've just realised who you are (as in, I read your other threads).

Time to find a different babysitter I think!

Xales Mon 11-Jul-11 18:48:06

Agree with the others. From what I have read on here previously, the trip to the hospital that is implied it is your fault due to stress but not actually said is a classic how to make them feel bad and reel them back in again tactic.

Get a different babysitter. Stick with no contact. If you give in they know just how far to push you next time to make you back down.

ImpyCelyn Mon 11-Jul-11 20:17:35

Thanks for the advice everyone.

DH and I are gradually putting things in to place to distance ourselves from them, it'll take a little while, but even making the decision to do it has really helped with dealing with them.

Pakdooik Tue 12-Jul-11 13:12:31

IC - good for you. Stick with it!

TheCrackFox Tue 12-Jul-11 13:23:15

Narcs love nothing more than a medical drama - either purely about them but love the drama of a sick friend or relative. They positively feed on it.

Keep contact to a minimum.

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