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I'm so sad and don't know where to turn

(9 Posts)
mrspl Mon 11-Jul-11 10:15:52

I have been with my OH for 14 years and we have 2 DCs. We had a great relationship until DC2 was about 3 yrs. I don't know how it has all gone wrong. OH doesn't appear to like me never mind love me or have any respect for me.
I have written this post about 4 times and then started again because it sounds so daft.

OH will not have sex with me which is hard for me. He says he is tired. He has been saying this for about 8 years. I can't remember the last time we had sex, last year some time. He also shows me no affection whatsoever. If i go to give him a hug/kiss he pushes me away but in a jokey manner. If I sit next to him on the sofa in the evening he doesn't like it and will move.

OH works hard all week and isn't home until late so when weekend comes i like to do things together. Every weekend is the same i plan something - sometimes its a trip to zoo or something, sometimes just to visit local park ot see friends. OH never comes because he's tired. Last year i even went on holiday on my own because he wouldn't come as it would be too hot. Every day on that holiday i cried once the kids had gone to bed. Funnily enough it wasn't too hot for a lads holiday though. Basically when he's not in work he just slumps in front of the TV and drinks. I am usually told that he works so hard etc am he needs to relax. We are having huge rows all the time.
OH only speaks to me if it is about the kids/ whats for dinner/or his day.

I have my own business and work from home. OH is also self employed and i do all his admin/accounts. I take the kids to school, work and then pick kids up. After kids in bed and chores done by 9.00pm I then do another 4 hours work. OH has never once asked me how my work is or anything about it. I overheard him telling his mate the other day that i didn't work WTF, working from home means watching tv all day in his world.

I feel like his flat mate rather than partner. We had a huge row on Thursday and i told him he would have to move out because I couldn't take much more. He stormed out to work but came home as normal that evening. He walked in and never mentioned it, so neither did i because i couldn't take another row. Saturday night - we were sat having a drink together in the kitchen (v rare) and he very calmly said that he would never move out of the house and he would never allow me to take his children. He then calmly started talking about what sort of takeway to order. I stunned because in the past when i have suggested we have problems in our relationship he justs says he's tired etc and when the kids are teenagers/leave home etc things will be better. This is the first time he has said anything which suggests he know this relationship is in big trouble.

Sorry thats long

mrspl Mon 11-Jul-11 10:22:14

I am aware that my post is full of errors and typos. Sorry, I can normally string a sentence together correctly

elephantsaregreen Mon 11-Jul-11 10:30:49

Hi there. Sorry I don't have much advice. but just wanted to let you know that you DESERVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU!! we all do. He sounds awful. You've been a trouper to put up with all this.

You might want to get some legal advice and perhaps even some counseling for yourself. You have rights here. Him saying he wouldnt ever move or let you take the kids is bordering on bizarre behaviour if you ask me. It shows how out of touch he is.

Breaking up doesn't mean that you would 'take the kids'.

You deserve a better life than this. Get some support and advice.

Good luck

Jazzicatz Mon 11-Jul-11 10:40:07

Have you tried to talk when not angry and arguing?

WriterofDreams Mon 11-Jul-11 10:50:05

Hmm I was going to say your DH might be depressed until you said he went on a lad's holiday rather than coming away with you. Still, it might be a possibility. His lack of interest in his life and lack of sex drive do seem to point to mental or physical health issues. Could you write him a letter, or an email? That might give him time to digest things without getting defensive. If you do write a letter be sure to focus on how you feel rather than accusing him of anything. So rather than saying "You don't spend time with me" say something like "It makes me feel very sad when we don't spend time together." Be as honest as you can without getting angry as any anger will only provoke a defensive reaction.

Do you have any theories as to what might be going on with him?

mrspl Mon 11-Jul-11 11:16:18

I have tried talking to him when we are not arguing. He always says he is tired becasue he has to work long hours and things will get better as the kids get older etc. I just keep thinging that we have nothing in common at all any more.
I suggested to my OH that on saturday we send the kids to my mums for the afternoon and we could go to cinema and then go shopping together ( we both want some new jeans). His resposne was that he didn't want to see any films that are on the cinema and we would order some jeans online. I said to him that we could do something else, didn't matter what just spend some time together doing something. He appears to think that spending time with me is a chore.

I know in my heart this relationship is over.

Jazzicatz Mon 11-Jul-11 11:48:32

Well if he isn't prepared to discuss it then there is little hope for you to work through it. Maybe try once more? ask him to suggest a time to discuss it, if he isnt prepared too then it would seem the answer is there!

I really hope you manage to work through it. Do you want to be with him?

flatbellyfella Mon 11-Jul-11 19:37:42

Dear mrspl you sound like my dream woman every thing
you describe in your heart felt letter hugs,cuddles, sitting
together on the sofa drinks together,cinema,shopping together,
Love making, are all the things I lived without in my now
divorced marriage for 39 years you seem to be the exact
opposite of my ex. I am full of love like you but no one to
share it with. Get out now while you still have lots to give
to a good partner who will reflect it back at you.and don't
be afraid about your children's well being, they too will
be better off away from this Iceberg of a husband & dad.

flatbellyfella Tue 26-Jul-11 22:07:20

MRSPL how are you feeling this week ?
Any progress to report?

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