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Not sure what he's trying to do here

(27 Posts)
electra Mon 11-Jul-11 08:41:21

I have a dp who I've been with for quite a while. We don't live together. He is a bit controlling about how I have the house and apparently finds it completely unacceptable for any of the children's toys to be lying around the house and thinks literally everything should have a place. He's one of those super-tidy people, and I, although I think cleaning is important and I can understand that some people are like that don't mind if a few things are out of place.

So at the weekend he said that he's stressed about how I run the house and he thinks every time the children ask me if they can do something I say 'yes' and he thinks I should expect them to help tidying the house. He does have a point, but I have a 2 year old who constantly pulls things out. He says this is no excuse for letting them get toys out, his family at home have 11 children and their house is perfect blah, blah, blah.

I have been ill again and didn't welcome the confrontation and reminded him I wasn't brought up the same way as him to think that everything depends on a spotless house. Then yesterday he suddenly said he's going to leave the country soon. I was really upset because he sounded as if he meant it. I began to think it wasn't about the house and that he obviously just isn't happy with me any more. However he didn't leave my house at any time. Eventually he said he did not intend to leave the country and all these conversations led to him initiating sex which I felt he meant to impress on me something - I can't describe it. When he saw how upset I was I caught a look of triumph on his face. He's always said he loves me and he wants us to have a future.

By the end of yesterday I felt so confused and drained that I could not see the situation clearly at all.

LovelyDaffs Mon 11-Jul-11 08:44:18

Run for the hills. He is trying to control you.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 11-Jul-11 08:46:19

He's attempting to scare you into agreeing with him all the time, and checking that he still has you on a string.

Because the man's a controlling twat who thinks you are inferior to him and should be grateful to him for deigning to date you.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Jul-11 09:02:44

yuk, horrid man

get shut of him, and find one that doesn't sound like such a creepy dude

Anniegetyourgun Mon 11-Jul-11 09:07:57

Run away, run away. Or offer to buy his ticket (one way, of course).

AnyFucker Mon 11-Jul-11 09:12:54

yep, get him that ticket to The Far Side Of Fuck smile

Hufflepuzzpig Mon 11-Jul-11 09:15:08

WTF is he playing at confused

Hufflepuzzpig Mon 11-Jul-11 09:15:30

What's he like with your DCs? Apart from the mess issue?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-Jul-11 09:18:01


Ditch this man; you do not need this low life in your life. You say he's a bit controlling (you don't say!); there's a red flag right there.

Your only saving grace here is that you do not live with him.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft; this lowlife is in those pages. His actions in your third paragraph are chilling and designed to control and abuse you. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour; this is all about power and control and he wants absolute over you.

He does not love you, he does not know the meaning of the word.

Get him out of your life before he further ruins it. He is more than happy to drag you and by turn your children down with him.

electra Mon 11-Jul-11 09:18:28

With the children he always seems to make a big effort - they think a lot of him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-Jul-11 09:22:42

He will start on the children soon enough if you allow it particularly if he was (heaven forbid) to move in with you.

Children will accept anyone who does nice things for them; its what he is doing to you their mother (i.e control you) which they will also see and pick up on. That will be far more damaging to them in the long run.

I read that you have been ill again but really this sort of abuser (and I retierate that controlling behaviour is abusive) will not do your physical let alone mental health any favours. Controlling men can take years to recover from; their damage is immensely harmful to all those in their firing line.

electra Mon 11-Jul-11 09:41:46

Sorry Attila, I meant physically ill - I keep getting respiratory infections since having swine flu last year. My mental health is very good at the moment, I'm happy to say that I've had no episodes for at least 18 months and no dialgues running through my head, thanks to a very good psychtherapist.

We have clashed a little from the beginning because of cultural differences. I had thought that generally he seemed like a good person and is certainly liked by other people. I couldn't believe what happened yesterday tbh. He also seemed to expect me to just forget all about it like it never happened.

electra Mon 11-Jul-11 09:42:26

I agree that children will accept anyone who does nice things for them.

Lucyinthepie Mon 11-Jul-11 10:25:40

"Cultural differences" - stop making excuses for him. Here's the question - why on earth would you continue to allow a man into your house who makes you feel this way?
I'd change the locks, then ring him and tell him it's over. But that's just me. What do you want to do?

ljgibbs Mon 11-Jul-11 10:27:38

Dump the fucker.

HerHissyness Mon 11-Jul-11 13:30:25

My X was from abroad, i made cultural differences excuses for him too.

He was not a patch on your P's controlling behaviour!

TELL him to leave the bloody country, just what this wonderful land of ours needs, ONE LESS ABUSIVE BASTARD! grin

No matter what you feel for him, this guy will crush and destroy you. By the sounds of it, he'll work on getting your kids on his side against you too.

You'll never be able to live with him, not with the shitty comments he's making already, so this relationship has no future.

Do the best thing you will ever do for yourself, dump this creep.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 11-Jul-11 16:45:57

It all sounds quite extreme, what we're saying, doesn't it? But this is how it begins. You saw what you saw, even if he's trying to pretend nothing happened.

He is "stressed" about how you run your own house? Do him a favour. Let him go. I'm sure there are plenty of women who feel as he does about the importance of a spotless house. Maybe they get their 2-year-olds to help with the tidying too [hhmm]]

Anniegetyourgun Mon 11-Jul-11 16:46:15

New emoticons not working, it appears ^^

Anniegetyourgun Mon 11-Jul-11 16:46:33


Anniegetyourgun Mon 11-Jul-11 16:46:57

... nope, not even if I do the brackets right.

Fairenuff Mon 11-Jul-11 16:53:28

OP are you still confused?

Or have you realised what everyone is trying to tell you here?

Xales Mon 11-Jul-11 17:52:47

It is all about control, domination, power and showing that he is the boss of you.

He gets to put you down on your housekeeping, tell you that you are inferior/will never be good enough and then initiates sex during which he is getting off on how much better he/his way is than you/yours.

He threatens he is leaving to upset and throw you off balance. Then uses sex again as a weapon.

None of this is done with any good feeling towards you.

It is starting with little things right now, the state of your house. It will escalate if you let it.

buzzsore Mon 11-Jul-11 18:09:56

He looks triumphant when he's made you upset? That's sick. That's not the behaviour of a man who loves you, it's the behaviour of a man who wants to break you.

Hullygully Mon 11-Jul-11 18:13:23

He is a tosser

And an arse

Surely you can see that?

electra Mon 11-Jul-11 20:46:36

I thought he was a good person and loved me. There were a couple of other times where he tried to dominate me and I stood my ground and told him I wouldn't put up with it and he apologised and then I didn't see the behaviour again.

But I've read that it's a really bad sign when someone tries to throw you off balance in a relationship. I do understand what you're all saying but I'm feeling very shocked by this latest thing.

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