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AIBU to think DP should just leave?

(13 Posts)
smallmotherbigheart Sun 10-Jul-11 23:48:21

I've been with my DP for 8 months now and its going well. The issue is his dad... there seems to be something seriously wrong with their relationship!! Every little mishap turns into a heated argument to the point where DP will get kicked and have things thrown at him including plates etc. Sometimes he gets kicked out and I offer for him to come and stay with me. It can start from simple thing like if DP stays out a little late. I suspect that something else has been going on but I've not been told anything. When he tells me, I have no idea what to say because he has no intentions of leaving his home or his family although he does see that he's being abused.

He made a random comment last week saying that he wouldnt leave his home unless he was moving somewhere with me. I have a child (not his) and due to that fact that we are still in the early days of our relationship I think this is inappropriate. I also said we should only do that if we both get our careers on track so that we could pay for the things we need... may have sounded a little cold but I just don' t think I should be making hasty decisions because of his dad. I don't know what to do or say but I really think he needs to get out of this situation. I've told him he can stay with me whenever he needs to but I cant offer him anything permanent. I know it must be hard for him to choose to leave but I'm worried about what dealing with this constantly could do to him....

TheSecondComing Sun 10-Jul-11 23:53:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kayah Mon 11-Jul-11 00:04:06

he has to deal with his issues himself

well done for not jumping into anything like moving in together

greycircles Mon 11-Jul-11 00:07:02

Agree with TSC. Your priority is your child and it doesn't sound like this man would be a positive part of your child's life.

bushymcbush Mon 11-Jul-11 00:13:00

Thesecondcoming, that's totally uncalled for. OP has made no suggestion that her boyfriend is mistreating her in any way.

People who are being abused find it very hard to break that cycle. He is probably so used to it that he doesn't realise quite how bad his situation is sad

In fact, he sounds scared to be on his own. Living with an abuser knocks your self confidence - maybe he believes he can't survive alone.

I agree that you shouldn't move in with him just to help him escape. Could you encourage him to get a place of his own? Show him places to rent just for him and help him imagine what it would be like to live by himself.

smallmotherbigheart Mon 11-Jul-11 00:14:02

Seriously it seems like its just happened earlier again and because of the way I usually react to it he's decided not to discuss it with me at all. Right now he;s in the middle of west london, which is a considerable distance from where he lives to clear his head. He wasn't even answering his phone or anything. He just sent me a text saying that he's in a state and he doesnt want to talk right now, which I can understand. Its just that I stayed up til now waiting for him to call and say he's ok.... only to be told "I'm in west london, just had a shisha and some turkish coffee to clear my head. Don't wanna talk about it cos it will make things worse for me and you, we always argue when I'm like that"

hmm

bushymcbush Mon 11-Jul-11 00:16:13

Greycircles and TSC - why? Are we to assume that all victims if abuse are going to be negative (abusive) people themselves and just give up on them?

smallmotherbigheart Mon 11-Jul-11 00:17:30

NO, honestly he wont do it. He has been convinced about moving in with me for months now and I keep saying no, he is scared to move out on his own and I know that. It's also a problem for him because he works for his dad. The first thing I told him to do is to sort out his career. But because I'm a term behind him he's also hopeful to return to uni and graduate at the same time as me (He thinks he may have failed something and may need to repeat a term).

smallmotherbigheart Mon 11-Jul-11 00:19:10

I'm not good in these situations because im very solution focused. I just want to fix things whereas he just wants to be listened to. I cant bear to think that he's going back to that every time.... I dont know how else to behave!!

LesserOfTwoWeevils Mon 11-Jul-11 00:26:15

'We always argue when I'm like that"
After only eight months together you shouldn't be arguing at all.
It sounds as if he has a lot of work to do on himself but is hoping you will sort him out or help him dodge his problems. You might turn into his mother if you're not careful.
Are you getting what you want from this relationship? What does he have to offer you?

smallmotherbigheart Mon 11-Jul-11 00:38:01

Well we have spoken about stuff. I mean before I knew all this was happening I told him that I thought he was emotionally weak and that I didnt like the way he leaned on me so much to help him sort his problems. The thing is now I can see why he's like that... but at the same time, without sounding too insensitive I hope, I want him to be more pro active and decisive about his future because I think this thing could destroy him. I know he has to learn his own lesson and accomplish things for himself.... I do try to give advice but he's not great at understanding or even trying.

Sometimes I think I'm selfish because all I want is some peace and no so many problems.... I care so much for him, but I dont want to get sucked into this bad cycle because I know it can affect dc. Trust me, I'm at no risk of becoming his mother... I know thats the worst thing I could do to either of us.

Generally, he can be so lovely.... he tries to surprise me. He planned a trip to turkey so that my son could have a good time, bought me swarovski (if thats how you spell it) bracelet for my b-day etc. Likes going out with me and spending quality time... I'm just hoping that he wises up before it's too late. Even my mum likes him, which makes a bloody change!! I think this happens because his dad looks at him like a small child and thinks he can get away with it. Trust me, I do want more from my relationship... he knows he needs to grow... I just don't know how long I can wait

LesserOfTwoWeevils Mon 11-Jul-11 00:53:29

You sound lovely and very sorted, no wonder he wants to move in with you!
But he doesn't sound too promising: "he's not great at understanding or even trying."
Don't take on his problems, they're not your responsibility. If he's not doing anything to help himself I can see this getting very frustrating for you very quickly, if it hasn't already. He sounds sweet but very hard work and you need to ask yourself if he will hold you back while you're waiting for him to grow, or if you should move ahead on your own.

It's not your job to rescue him. Rescuing him by allowing him to move in would be a realy bad idea. You will just end up being his punchbag - and so will your DC.Right now, encourage him to seek some help and sort himself out, but do not take him in like a wounded wild animal. Those things only shit all over the floor and bite you repeatedly.

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