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Should I tell them everything or not?

(22 Posts)
eevv Sun 10-Jul-11 22:14:04

I have been married for 22 years and have found out for the past 3 years my h has been having an affair. I have kicked him out of the house and have started divorce proceedings. My children are 20 and 17 and only know that he has left because he had an affair with another woman. They don't believe that he has now gone to live with her, they think that he is either staying with friends or with his mum. But I know that he has moved in with her and her 4 children aged between 4 and 13. I also know that whenever I was away for work he was always at her house, looked after her children, even took her children to play rugby. My 17 year old plays rugby and that was something special between him and his dad. Do I have to be the one to tell them all of this? It wasn't as if he met this woman by chance he joined many dating agencies and met her through Illicit encounters a website that I had never even in my worst nightmares knew existed .....I don't know what to do and my sons think the world of him.

This woman has even posted on her facebook page a picture of him and her together, should I show them this? I don't know what to do for the best, as I know that he will never tell them the truth and I think that they should know, they are older, grown-ups themselves, I want them to know the type of father that they have.

NickRobinsonsloveslave Sun 10-Jul-11 22:17:13

No, because you will just hurt them.

Yes, you are angry and you want him to feel as bad as you do. But using your DCs against him won't help in the long run.

Trust me, they will find out for themselves what an arse he is.

AnyFucker Sun 10-Jul-11 22:20:08

bollocks to that

if he is such a dick to be so open and rub your nose in it, then you cannot protect your children

tell them before someone else does, that someone else may not actually have their best interests at heart, like you do

what an utter nob

VioletV Sun 10-Jul-11 22:21:58

Yes of course you tell your children the truth. One is more than an adult and the other is a year off 18. Don't lie. Tell them the truth. Your ex is a pratt

Beamur Sun 10-Jul-11 22:22:15

Are they having contact with him? Has he lied to them about where he is now?

Flyonthewindscreen Sun 10-Jul-11 22:24:38

Surely it would be dishonest not to tell your (adult and nearly adult) DC where and with whom their father is living? and to answer any other questions they might have (such as where did they meet) as honestly as you can. Let them draw their own conclusions and question their father as they see fit.

roses2 Mon 11-Jul-11 10:29:49

They are old enough and clever enough, they will figure it out for themselves

Anniegetyourgun Mon 11-Jul-11 10:42:55

Agree with Kamer. I believe in being honest and agree they're more than old enough to hear the truth if they ask, but I wouldn't recommend you dump the gory details on them unnecessarily. For example their dad taking his new woman's children to rugby, they don't need to know that bit; it is not even in itself a bad thing to do but will cause your son pain. You can't protect them from all of it - but that's not the same as adding to the pain their runaway father has given them already.

WriterofDreams Mon 11-Jul-11 11:09:55

On what planet does someone not have the right to know about their own father? It really baffles me why people think hiding things is a way to solve problems and make things better. Of course you should tell them, perhaps not about the dating sites, but about the fact that he's living with someone. If it comes out later and they know you knew they'll quite rightly feel like you betrayed them by keeping them in the dark. People feel very very foolish when they learn details like this after everyone else already knows.

Rindercella Mon 11-Jul-11 11:14:49

I would say tell your DC where your husband is living. I don't think they need to know the details of the affair though. Why hurt your 17 year old? I understand you must be hurting terribly, but why force that hurt on your child?

kaluki Mon 11-Jul-11 11:15:28

I vote for telling them. Its not as if they are small children who won't understand.
He should have to explain himself to them too!

flatbellyfella Mon 11-Jul-11 18:47:20

I would say tell them the truth of where he is living and
With who, but not the facts of taking the other children out
Rather than his own .you can't be sure of all the things
You hear he does from others.it must be so painful for
you to see it happening , be strong , hold your head
high.I am sure HE is the big loser in this affair .

HairyGrotter Mon 11-Jul-11 19:44:39

Please please tell them the truth, hiding it will just cause mistrust and really shake things up with your relationship with them.

My parents hid things from me, does no-one any good. You don't have to be gory with the details, but be honest and tell them what you know.

Callisto Mon 11-Jul-11 20:14:26

I agree, tell them. If they find out in a horrible way from a third party and realise that you knew all along it could damage your relationship with them. Truth is power remember.

buzzsore Mon 11-Jul-11 20:36:49

You can't hide the fact he's living with someone else, and why should you? But there's no need to tell them about him playing happy families with the OW's children.

MigratingCoconuts Mon 11-Jul-11 20:49:24

Do tell them but not in a revengey sort of way.

They need to know they can trust the one parent who is not acting like a knob so if you don't tell them and they find out you knew, then you could harm your relationship with them.

However, be careful how you do it as you could end up looking like your are out for some sort of revenge.

Tough, I know. Why is it the good who end up dealing with the shit??

NevermindtheNargles Mon 11-Jul-11 21:07:08

I would tell them too, if I was in their position I would want to know. I'd feel awful if my mum had to deal with all that and I didn't support her because I didn't know. Try to stick to established facts though, and I wouldn't tell them about the rugby thing, you don't want to be accused of trying to turn them against him. I'd also be hurt if my dad lied to me about where he was living.

So sorry this has happened to you, but good for you for kicking his arse out of it. Good luck.

NevermindtheNargles Mon 11-Jul-11 21:07:14

I would tell them too, if I was in their position I would want to know. I'd feel awful if my mum had to deal with all that and I didn't support her because I didn't know. Try to stick to established facts though, and I wouldn't tell them about the rugby thing, you don't want to be accused of trying to turn them against him. I'd also be hurt if my dad lied to me about where he was living.

So sorry this has happened to you, but good for you for kicking his arse out of it. Good luck.

eevv Tue 12-Jul-11 21:35:48

thank you for all your messages, I will tell them but not all of the horrible details. I will tell them when they are together. My eldest son is away at Uni at the moment and is working doing a job in the summer he will come home for a week in August. I have always believed in trust and honesty and would not like it if I didn't know. He will never tell them, or tell them a pack of lies. I would prefer them to know it from me than anyone else. It is such a horrible and painful place to be, somewhere I never imagined I would be ...

NevermindtheNargles Wed 13-Jul-11 00:12:52

I hope it works out for you eevvn I'm sure they'll appreciate your honesty and support you through this. All the best. X

FabbyChic Wed 13-Jul-11 00:15:16

I'd not tell them what they did not need to know. Why hurt them? They are too young to have to deal with all the why's and wherefores.

There is no necessity to tell them anything. They children make up their own minds from what they see. Why psychologically damage them with grown up stuff?

eevv Sat 16-Jul-11 06:39:14

my ex is such an idiot that my sons have found out themselves. one of my sons is his friend on facebook and now my ex has made friends with the new person in his life my son can see everything ...... such a shallow bastard can't even tell his son what is going on he has to read it on facebook ......

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