Namechanged. Sorry if this is a bit disjointed and it is long!
Just found out that my H had a text/phone affair for almost my entire pregnancy, baby is 6 weeks old. We only got married a couple of months before I got pg so for almost all of our marriage so far he has been unfaithful.
It was with an ex from years and years ago who is also married. I found the secret phone, that I hadnt had any idea about, when he bought it home from work and left it in his trousers. No idea why but as he knows I was doing washing and didnt bother to hide it I do wonder if he almost wanted me to find it. They texted back and forth with explicit messages, videos and photos of themselves, from atleast as far back as me being 9 weeks pg and possibly longer and from the texts, the only reason they didnt meet up for sex was because they couldnt work out shifts, their respective partners etc He maintains that he wouldnt have actually done anything, but how can I believe that?
He went off sex with me immediately I got pg and said that he didnt know why. He has now admitted that it was because he found the whole idea weird and didnt fancy me at all (thanks for that). I went through hell over that and I am so angry that not only did he take away that part of our marriage with no discussion with me and leaving me no choice but to put up with it, he also made sure that he was sorted out in the department by going elsewhere. He maintains that they didnt start texting til after I was pg, again I am not 100% I believe this but have no evidence to prove otherwise. It stopped just before she was born but they have been in touch since in a non sexual way, H says that they were just keeping in touch. The texts do seem to confirm that.
He has lied to me in the past and we have had some very rough times, although he has not cheated to my knowledge before, and this for me is the final straw. It isnt just the cheating but the fact that I was pg and it was a really hard time for me, I was very ill and he just withdrew emotionally and physically and went to someone else. I put alot of effort into talking to him and trying to make it easier for both of us, but he didnt want to know. It wasnt my first pg but it was his. They didnt have sex or even meet (she lives in another town) and the texts confirm that, but the fact that the same texts also seem to indicate that they wanted to meet and were going to if they could arrange it means it was more a case of a lack of opportunity that stopped him than any decision on his part.
He wants us to stay together, has cried buckets and said that he is sorry, blah blah, doesnt know why he did it although he thinks it was an ego boost and a bit of a kick back against suddenly having to be a responsbile husband and father. He said that he didnt think about it in terms of cheating as they had never met up but he admits that deep down he did know that what he was doing was wrong. He said he couldnt help himself at which point I went mad and said that yes, if he wanted to he could have stopped himself but he chose not to and to not try using that bullshit. I also pointed that as the person who had celibacy thrust upon with no choice and no discussion I had more reason to cheat but I still managed to keep my pants on.
So now I have to decide whether to stay or not.
I can either stay with a man who cheated on me when I was pregnant and didnt think enough of me and our unborn child and existing children to stay faithful. Or I can be a single mum on benefits (for the short term atleast) within 6 weeks of giving birth, some choice eh?
There was a real lightbulb moment today when I asked him what he wanted to happen and he said, "I want you to forgive me and we move on and have a fresh start" and when I said that I dont know if I will ever forgive him and that right now I am thinking 90% of leaving and 10% of staying and the 10% is because of money and the kids he was shocked. I dont think he genuinely thought that I would consider leaving him.
The problems is that I still love him although I hate his guts too, and I would quite cheerfully smack him shitless if I thought it would achieve anything. But up until last night we were the happiest we have been for a long time, our sex life had resumed, everything was great. For a short while I even considered pretending I didnt know about it so that we could carry on as we had been, but that only lasted about 30 seconds before I blew up! The kids would be heartbroken and there is of course also the issue of me managing alone which I know I could do, but frankly right now I dont really want to.
So after that essay, WWYD? And what was it like if you stayed after he had an affair? Did you get past it? Can you get the love back? Do you ever get the trust back? I have trust issues in the past that I worked through so I dont htink I will ever be able to trust him again after this, and surely you cant have a decent relationship without trust? Can it really work out after something like this?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
If you stayed together after his affair, what happened?
wtfdoido · 10/07/2011 17:33
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