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Red Flag Spotters needed

(26 Posts)
HairyGrotter Sun 10-Jul-11 08:46:08

Ok, so met a guy online, chatted via email for a day, then he called me the next day, spoke, seemed nice and we arranged a date for the following day (Wednesday).

I know he's married but is separated, which is all well and good, but there are a few flags showing and I would appreciate others POV.

He calls me during his work hours, texts only once or twice in the evening but is constantly texting during the day. When we went for dinner, he went to the toilet and was in there for approximately 10 minutes, which is a long time by my normal standards lol. We arranged a meet for Monday, he texts me during the day as usual, tries to call etc.

So Friday at around 5pm I get a text to say not to worry if I don't hear from him over the weekend as he feels a little ropey and Monday maybe 50:50. I don't text back because there isn't much to say. I then get an email from him last night through the dating website apologising for the lack of texts, his phone charger is at work. He then wants to re-arrange Monday for Wednesday.

I've rain checked him because I've a feeling he is still very much married and just wanting a dolly bird to string right along. What are your thoughts? I don't mind dating men who are separated or going through divorce etc, but there is no way on earth I'd want to be part of a marraige!

Would you nip it in the bud? He says his marriage has been sexless for 5 years, another flag of 'I just want to fuck you' but I don't want to become cynical, although this online dating lark makes one question normality and if it actually exists.

nomorelego Sun 10-Jul-11 08:48:32

I think you're proabably spot on, and regardless of whether you're right it hardly seems worth wasting the time on someone you don't trust already. You don't suggest there's anything amazing about him so move on!

Besom Sun 10-Jul-11 09:00:18

This does all sound quite suspicious. The toilet thing not so much but the fact that he's anticipating that he's not going to be in touch over the weekend...hmm.

As nomorelego says it doesn't sound like you're all that fussed anyway?

WillIEverBeASizeTen Sun 10-Jul-11 09:07:56

Aww bless him, don't you just love the shite they spout! Does his malady affect his thumbs? No sex for 5 years (poor, poor man)..

I'm being cynical here...He's a lying arse with first class honours..bin him..

HairyGrotter Sun 10-Jul-11 09:14:21

I'm not overly bothered tbh, just would rather like to rip him a new one for being a dishonest arsewipe and that he should concentrate on his wife as opposed to other women.

Deffo red flagged and on to the next!

TalesOfTheUnexpected Sun 10-Jul-11 09:14:21

As above. He's still married/with someone.....bin him.

Do men still really use that "left my phone charger at work" line? Geez!! grin

mrscynical Sun 10-Jul-11 09:30:38

I think it's probably better not to date a man until he is actually divorced. A separating man is still dealing with solicitors and worrying about access to kids, the finances, moving home etc. etc. and, in many cases, still wittering on/spilling bile about the soon-to-be ex wife.

I believe a man going through a divorce generally wants a shoulder to cry on, a therapist, a landlady, a short-term shag and a mummy - if you don't want to be any or all of those things leave well alone.

Although in OPs particular case, I think he's lying.

SleepySuzy Sun 10-Jul-11 09:33:00

He's lying. I've done the online dating and learned to spot dodgy ones. Very happy now grin

Mutt Sun 10-Jul-11 09:37:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mutt Sun 10-Jul-11 09:38:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HairyGrotter Sun 10-Jul-11 09:43:47

SleepySuzy, how have you managed to filter the weirdos from the 'alright' ones. Seems online dating is full of sexual deviants and general liars lol. I don't want to become cynical or dubious but Jesus wept, full 'o nutters!

ShoutyHamster Sun 10-Jul-11 09:51:21

Oh well spotted. You could be evil and suggest a meeting on a Saturday afternoon grin but personally I'd bin and move on asap

HerHissyness Sun 10-Jul-11 10:44:40

Hairy - well done! your twat-radar is finely tuned!

move on!

SleepySuzy Sun 10-Jul-11 11:56:04

I talked to them via email/msn for quite a bit, then telephone if I was more interested. Sometimes you can just tell.

DoraJarr Sun 10-Jul-11 11:56:56

does he have kids there?

HairyGrotter Sun 10-Jul-11 12:00:05

Apparently, no children.

lubeybooby Sun 10-Jul-11 12:10:06

Doesn't sound like someone separated to me, but still very much actively married. Bin and move on!

ineedabodytransplant Sun 10-Jul-11 12:36:05

If he is married/still in a relationship then he's just plain crap at covering his tracks. Being a bit obvious with the daytime texts only, no contact all weekend. Bit of a little girl if he cannot contact you by text at all over a weekend because he's feeling a bit poorly.

I was in a loveless marriage for the last 12+ years of a 35 year 'partnership'. I never ever strayed, felt I needed to stand by my wedding vows. And even I think I could have managed a relationship outside of my marriage if I had chosen to. I didn't spend 24/7 with my stbxw, and even less time together as the last years unfolded. So I could have contacted any OW anytime. I work away from home a lot, been in Madrid last week, back there tomorrowfor another week(only came home as I had GP tickets-off in 5 minutes) and even then I am in a hotel away from home. Weekends are generally out of the house anyway so easily contacted then.

We have agreed to seperate, in fact already have, but until we manage to sell the house then we have to live under the same roof, albeit seperately. No debts, kids are grown up, last 2 years of the mortgage to cover. Both sets of families and friends know.

If he is telling the truth ask someone who knows him to confirm?

mrscynical, not every bloke is like that.

mrscynical Sun 10-Jul-11 13:01:19

Apologies, I agree that not every man is like how I described. But a lot are. Especially younger guys (below 35 years old I would say). You have had the 'loveless' relationship for over 12 years so you are probably a bit more life experienced anyway.

I have dated quite a number of 'separated' men and have generally found them not really ready for another proper relationship. Through my own experience I will now only date divorced men.

Of course there are those (men and women) who cannot bear to be on their own and will jump into another relationship as soon as it's on offer. Again, I personally think more of a chap who is able to be on his own for a while.

But we're all different.

buzzsore Sun 10-Jul-11 13:13:21

Definitely one for the bin.

samhaircin Sun 10-Jul-11 14:33:53

Yes he sounds like he is living with someone (and/or possibly has a few women on the go at the same time). Trust your gut instinct I think, and better to err on the side of caution.

lazarusb Sun 10-Jul-11 20:08:55

You sound very aware of exactly what he is OP. Congratulations. There are too many people getting sucked in by men like this, you should be pleased with yourself, I think you've dodged a bullet.

piratecat Sun 10-Jul-11 20:12:49

not a red flag, I'd say it was red bunting!!!!!!!!!!

SleepySuzy Tue 12-Jul-11 20:00:19

Just wondered if there was any update...?

HairyGrotter Tue 12-Jul-11 20:09:07

Yes! He text me today, I was out and about so didn't respond, he sent a further 2 texts asking why he was being 'blanked'. He made a joke about how my profile of him (I'm a student of psychology and criminal behaviour) will now read neurotic, I responded that his profile is red flagged, and that I wish him the best in his pursuits but I'm not interested in married men.

No response from him as of yet lol NEXT

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