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I am so hurt and angry about friend

(18 Posts)
giraffesCantZumba Sun 10-Jul-11 01:08:09

Supposed best friend, I have spend hundreds on her and her dd, especially when she finally left wanker ex and I helped her move house and bought her loads for new place. Let her live with me twice when she had fallen out with him before - one time she then got back with him and proceeded to ditch me over new year while went out with him even though I was in and out hosp with bad asthma.

Last month I had serious asthma attack. In hosp. I had to beg her to come see me, she did. Then said had to go to pick up dd (who I call my dniece) as she was upset with wanker ex looking after her. So I said of course she comes first. I later got a call from her Mum asking where she was as she hadnt picke dup dd, I said no idea - turned out she was shagging new man. I had it out with her then and she said I had told her I was "ok" - yes I had said ok because fcourse would rather her dd was safe and happy.

I have looked after her dd so so many times - turned down paid work to have her for her - over night and when friend went on holiday.

I had my tonsils out 3 weeks ago, been in and out hosp with lots of complications and also been having chest pain and asthma bad. She has hardly text, and only visited once for half an hour, brought nothing and that was after I asked her to come. When she was in hosp (many many many times - preg probs and heart condition) I visited every day, brought her cards, mags, books, food etc. If I wasnt visiting I made sure someone else was. Sat with her in waiting rooms, had full care of her dd while she was in hosp.

I feel like I have been such a fuckin idiot. Am I of no use to her ill?

I am so so incredibly hurt and sitting in tears. I have little family. She was my family. WTF have I done to deserve this?

VioletV Sun 10-Jul-11 01:31:31

You've done nothing wrong. You so called mate is a selfish bitch and one who really needs to be culled. Seems you do too much and she's all take, take, take with no give.

Time to cut all strings. I know it's hard but you cannot be a doormat anymore just because you lack friends.

BrawToken Sun 10-Jul-11 01:41:19

She sounds awful and you sound lovely. Poor you sad She isn't there for you when you need her and that's not fair.

My friend is a bit like this - we have had hour long conversations where she hasn't even asked me how I am. I actually stopped speaking to her for a year for a few reasons similar to yours, but we made up again and I am glad she's still an in my life as she's got loads of good qualities. During that year, she got on with her life without me and I now am much more assertive and don't continually offer help/support.

giraffesCantZumba Sun 10-Jul-11 01:41:28

My ex driving instructor (passed my test about 16months ago) and I have kept in touch, text, phone and ocassional coffee. When she heard I wa sin hsop she came up that day and brough juice, cake, box of chocs and a card. And this week she visited me at home and brought a huge bunch of flowers.

My boss bought me a card and a woden gardian angel. And recieved cards from previous employers oh and a card from the childrens hospice where I volunteer.

So I am not totally alone or anything just the one that I gave so much to I get next to nothing from now. Problem is I love her dd. My dd died and her dd has been so healing for me, I have a cot, car seat and pram for her here, and drawers of clothes, everything. I cant just cut her out, I adore her dd. I dont know what to do.

coansha Sun 10-Jul-11 01:41:38

You have been a fabulous friend, counsellor, support, hotel and furniture supplier and I would guess bank too, you have been too good!!!
She is obviously one of life's takers and you, my sweet are a giver, sadly she has taken your good heart & nature for a ride and has put herself, sadly not even her Dd, first on all fronts, she has gone back to a useless man , again & again, despite good counsel to leave and never return and think this is a strong indication that SHE WILL NOT CHANGE.
I think now is the time to cut it back, maybe to the bone, be done with it and know your friendship is worth more. I am sure you will with time make another close friendship with someone who deserves it.
She has shown her true colours and the loser in this is her daughter, you are not an idiot , far from it, a true and good friend through thick & thin, so do not allow her actions to think you are worthless, she is.
You are a wanted commodity!!! They are thin on the ground.
I would write her a long letter and state all the things you have done for her and how she has repaid you, it is easier to write than say it and maybe meet for coffee and give it to her and say goodbye, she may come to her senses and redeem herself but being honest dont hold out much hope for a return to her normal behaviour pretty soon.
It will be hard but look for something different to do, join a group activity, cooking classes etc , I know it's easy for me to say this but think you need to do it than accept such treatment. YOU ARE WORTH MORE!!!!

SinicalSal Sun 10-Jul-11 01:47:27

Oh Giraffes that's so horrible.
I am sorry to hear about your DD sad

Is your friend receptive? I ask because sometimes people need things spelled out to them. She sounds like a spoilt teenager tbh and you're cast in the role of mum. She may just need a kick in the bum and a few home truths. Though at this hour of her life she should have lot more sensitivity - I don't know.

BrawToken Sun 10-Jul-11 01:49:49

So sorry and sad about your dd. That makes the situation so difficult for you. It would perhaps be easy to turn your back on friend, but not her dd.

As Sal said, she maybe needs you to be a bit firmer/less accomodating.

VioletV Sun 10-Jul-11 02:12:27

I'm also sorry to hear of your DD sad I've had to cull a so called mate who back stabbed me and I was very close to her child. I don't regret a thing.

Can you talk to this woman and tell her everything?

coansha Sun 10-Jul-11 02:18:49

Just saw your next comments, so very sorry about your situation, it must be very hard to do because of her DD and suspect you have been putting this off because of her. I think she needs to grow up and maybe in a year or so without you she might do that??? big hugs anyways xxx

RandomMess Sun 10-Jul-11 11:56:21

Oh Giraffe that is just awful.

I would just accept the role as "aunt" to the dd and allow the close relationship between your friend and you fade a little.

Make a point of invite the dd to come over and stay when is suits you etc.

Trying be positive at least you have now had your wretched tonsils out, I remember your thread (I hope it was) with your useless ex when you had severe tonsillitis and he was crap!

FabbyChic Sun 10-Jul-11 12:58:28

She has used you when she needed you, she doesn't care about anybody but herself as she is too selfish.

You have to let go, you cannot continue to use her daughter as your substitute child, I know it is harsh but this woman cares not for you at all, only what you can do for her.

oohjarWhatsit Sun 10-Jul-11 16:21:01

some people are givers, some are takers

your mate sounds like the latter

move on and distance yourself from her and her using you

ThePopsicleKat Sun 10-Jul-11 16:28:25

What a wonderful friend you've been to her! Unfortunately, a lot of friendships seem to be unequal...some people are all take take take, and that is exactly what she has done, as you well know. Save yourself the energy and heartache and ditch her - hope you find a better friend who is more appreciative.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 10-Jul-11 16:36:25

someone needs to have a word in your friends shell like ear....
youre being used and your friend is totally taking the piss. I would be honest with her and tell her that you feel totally let down by her when you needed her. She needs a wake up call.

giraffesCantZumba Sun 10-Jul-11 23:06:25

I feel like shit. My house is full of her dds stuff <sob>

ThePopsicleKat Sun 10-Jul-11 23:29:21

sad <Squeezes hand> I'm so sorry giraffes. I think most of us would love a friend like you.

greycircles Sun 10-Jul-11 23:43:43

I'm so sorry giraffes.

I think you need to get rid of everything in your house that is her DD's/you want to give her DD - take it all round to her house so you have nothing left. Then you need to cut her off (and that unfortunately includes your DD). She sounds like a terrible, terrible user and she probably knows you adore her DD and is using that to her advantage. She is milking you for everything she can.

greycircles Sun 10-Jul-11 23:44:09

sorry, unfortunately that includes her DD

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