Packed up his stuff - what do you think??

[kate1984]

Hi Guys

I have been posting on here over the last couple of weeks. Basically 7 weeks ago my husband walked out on me and our son. There was no reason behind it he just says he doesnt love me anymore and there is no point in trying to work at things as he doesnt think it will work. I have been in pieces about it and struggling - I tried to get him to come home and tried to show him we had a good life together (we were not having any problems just general everyday things). I believe life has got on top of him and he is stuck in a rut with things (he doesnt do anything outside our relationship where as I do) and he has just left blaming me for everything.

Anyway - I was struggling and the support on here and from family and friends has been great - everyone has said the same thing though - show him that you are getting on with your life.........so this evening I have bagged and box everything of his up and am planning on giving it to him tomorrow at his parents house (where he has ran back to). I am nervous though (very nervous in fact) everytime I have shown him that I am trying to be strong he gets really arsey and says things to me that he knows will really upset me but I am guessing (and my relate counseller who I am seeing alone :( agrees) that this is a reaction of me being strong.

In all honesty I want my husband to wake up and realise what an idiot he has been and want to work on things as I love him so much and want my life with him to continue, however I am just wondering whether giving him his stuff back will mean that this wont ever happen and just wondered whether you think I am doing the right thing??? I am basically trying to have the motto at the moment of - get on with life for me and my son and if my husband comes home bonus - if not I am part way there to moving on / recovering - does that make sense. Plus my general thinking is - he left us saying he doesnt want to be here so why should his stuff be???

Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated - am I doing the right thing???? xxxxx

[Aislingorla]

Yes I agree, pack up his stuff,he's walked out so why does he get to have his things 'in storage'.
When my H was thinking of leaving us (didn't in the end) the one thing, I often tell him, (in jest! !)is how I would have enjoyed ordering a skip and putting all his tuff in it! He is an incurable hoarder!

[Aislingorla]

Stuff not tuff!

[Saffysmum]

Hi - I remember your posts.

This is what I think: if he's going to come back, then he will, regardless of whether you take his stuff around his parents or not. It might give him a wake-up call, it might not. So try and think about your life. I am almost three months on from splitting with my ex, and the first thing I did was clear our bedroom out of all his clothes and stuff, and stick it in the garage. Then I made the bedroom "my bedroom" - moved stuff around, new curtains, my stuff everywhere. The garage, however, is packed full of his things, and everytime I go in there, I get irritated by it all. When I asked him to take it he said he doesn't have the space "at the moment". The sooner I can get shot of it all, the better.

So I totally know how you feel, and I would relish the opportunity to get all his belongings out of the house, redecorate and make it mine and the kids, without a trace of him.

There's no going back for us, none whatsoever. However, in your shoes I would take the stuff round if you feel strong enough, perhaps go with a friend, or even get a friend to take it for you?

If you two are meant to be, it will happen, and his things can easily be moved back in. But I think you have nothing to lose to getting rid, so if you don't get back together, at least you have no trace of his stuff around, which will help you to heal and move on.

[kate1984]

Thank you for your replies - it helps so much having you guys to bounce things off. I think my mind is my own worst enemy sometimes - I start thinking something and I get the angel and devil situation and I just to and fro for a decision.

I am going on my own tomorrow - I dont want him to think I need someone as back up (although I am driving straight round tomy mums afterwards). I know he will say that he has nowhere to put things but I am just going to say - not my problem!! Besides our house is smaller than his parents house so if it fits in ours it will fit in theirs!! Thats the other things - his parents are going to be really hacked off at me but it will be misplaced anger - his mum said she finds it hard to be angry with my husband over his behaviour as he is her son - they are strange though - never speak about their feelings - they are carrying on now like nothing has happened!! My Dad is over from madrid next week and he said he will help me re-frame and put some new pictures up and re-do that garden - 2 things I have been trying to get my husband to do for months!! I will post tomorrow evening about how it went - I am just off to finish loading the car!! Thanks again, I dont think I would be feeling as strong if it was not for you guys!! x

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

YOu are doing the right thing in delivering his stuff to him. It never, ever works to display to a man who has dumped you that you are desperate to have him back. He either runs faster in the opposite direction or he comes back and sits there smugly aware that you are desperate to keep him and therefore he can do whatever he likes and you will put up with it as long as he doesn't leave.

[PhilipJFry]

That sounds like a good idea. You can't stop him making the snarky comments but don't engage with him, argue back or snap or shout- it's exactly what he wants, a reaction to his words. Be calm and businesslike and then leave with your head held high after keeping conversation minimal. However tempting it may be to say something back it'd annoy him more if it seems like you're letting it wash over you.

[kate1984]

Thanks for the advice guys - the car is now all loaded. I will keep you posted!! xxx

[notsorted]

Good advice I've had and am trying to follow is that after something terrible and if you want to resume a relationship then you have to have a new relationship with that person. It doesn't work if you don't react and return to the old pattern. And if you have DCs together there will have to be some kind of relationship. So out with the old and keep your strength ready for whatever you feel is appropriate next.
Good luck tomorrow and great that you have some plans for aftermath
x

[kate1984]

Hi Guys

Update from last night............... so I took my husbands belongings round to his parents and him and his Dad came out to collect them - think they were quite shocked that I had actually done it. I unloaded everything out of the car and then said (which in hindsight I probably should not have said) 'have a nice life' - I know it was childish but I was just staring at my 31 year old husbands possessions on the pavement and just thought is this what you really want from life?? He then came back with some nasty remark which is when his Dad replied with 'stop it the pair of you' - well that was it - I very calmy said to his Dad that if he was angry or upset at the situation then he should direct that at his son and not me. I told my husband that he had decided he didnt want to be part of our life and our home and that meant that his possessions didnt need to be at the house - he very nastily said that it was my life he didnt want to be part of not our son's. I just said that he could collect the rest of it in the week (all he kept going on about was his hi-fi not being there!!)

Although I felt very strong beforehand and during I now feel rubbish - I just feel so sad about everything (if you have read previous posts you will know there is no reason behind this or no warning signs). I am struggling a bit this evening with the sense of loss.

Any thoughts?? Love Kate xxxxxx

[RandomMess]

I think you just need to leave him be.

Are you willing to reconcile with him? I mean if you can go to relate and actually sort the real issue out?

If you are then I can only suggest that you apologise in writing to him for the comments. Keep your dignity! These things can turn nasty and hurtful things said which may make reconciliation very much harder.

[lifesohard]

I don't want to be a messenger of doom but have you considered that he could have met someone else? I only say this because I was in exactly the same position when my husband left, he even made the same comment re not leaving his sons but me. He also moved in to his Mums and I bagged his stuff up. I later found out that there was an other woman involved which is why he had left.

It did help to understand the reason and make sense of a lot of his hurtful comments - they were all about guilt. I so hope I am wrong and that it works out for you. I so empathise with your situation as it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced, being left. I still feel sad every night, hence posting on here. But stay strong and do try and appear to be moving on. I do think it helps.

[maleview70]

Unfortunately what he said just sounds like how he feels. It sounds like he just doesn't want to be with you anymore and you now need to focus on maintaining a relationship for the sake of your child. A father who wants to maintain a relationship with his child will mean you will have some sort of relationship for the next 20 years so once the upset has subsided, you need to work on this. A child can still be happy as long as he has regular contact with both parents and he doesn't witness animosity between them.

[kate1984]

Thanks for your comments.

RandomMess - I can see what you mean about saying sorry for the 'have a happy life comment' however feel like he should be the one saying sorry - he has just got up and walked out on his wife and child for no reason!! I am going to relate at the moment alone - I have asked him to come with me but he refuses. I am going to leave him be now - I am polite to him and he sees our son regularly however I know that I am not in the wrong here. I gave him everything he ever wanted - a marriage, a son and a happy life and he has walked out with no explaination other than he doesnt love me (but cant tell me why!)

Thanks again for all your comments x

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

Thing is, he has decided that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you, which is something that everyone is entitled to do. All you can ask for him is fairness and reasonable behaviour WRT seeing the DC. It's no good expecting or wanting him to come to counselling or discuss why he has left you - he has left you. End of. For your own sake and your own sanity, forget worrying about why, concentrate on building a life for yourself and DC. It can be done. It's better than living with someone who is an unsatisfactory partner. Best of luck.

[greycircles]

I don't agree - I think if you leave a marriage and children for no obvious reason, it is only decent to tell your spouse why. It is selfish to just turn your spouse's life upside down with no explanation.

That said, I do agree that you should concentrate on (re)building your life as it does seem permanent.

I would also echo the warning another poster has given about there possibly being another woman on the scene. It is unusual for men to just walk out without a reason - it is a total cliche for men to tell their wives that they no longer love them and have another woman waiting in the wings. "I don't love you" is not reason enough. Let's say that a man just simply doesn't love his wife and that they have children together. The most obvious thing to do is to try and remedy the situation. Only your husband doesn't want to remedy it, which really begs the question - why?

He sounds like a shit bag anyway.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

That same old "I don't love you anymore" script - sorry but he is having an affair. Men do not tend to leave their home comforts for no apparent reason.