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think I was abused

(3 Posts)
vairy Fri 08-Jul-11 23:50:57

Just wrote a massive post, computer died, not sure I have the strength to do it again....

Here goes. I was at the GPs having a review of ADs a couple of weeks back. I was explaining that I was struggling with something I have to do to my sweetest little DS2 - he recently had a stoma reversal and I have to do anal dilations every day sad

GP asked me if it was raking up memories for me & I suddenly felt that it was. I have never, ever in my life thought this before but it felt like the truth. I don't have any specific memories though & I'm going a bit crazy not knowing if it happened or if it's a false memory type thing.

Since then I've seen her again & at one point in the conversation when I was describing a wierd fantasy I had as a pre-teen (which I stopped having once I was old enough to know it was wrong but I felt disgusted with myself for ever thinking it) she asked if I thought I'd witnessed the scene. I had a very physical reaction to this, a real jolt, shivers down my spine, crying & shaking. This in particular is worrying me.

As I say, I don't remember anything specific happening but I do have slightly wierd/ uncomfortable feelings around certain people/places. I also have vague memories involving an older girl. Just her face & hair. It would explain how much I've struggled with sex/sexuality when I was growing up. I was always paranoid that people thought I was a lesbian even though I never thought I was gay or that there is anything wrong with being gay! I was just like I felt I had a dirty secret that I must keep from people.

Until I met my husband (when I first starting taking ADs) I was pretty much 'frigid'. I had tried to have sex a couple of times but couldn't (vaginismus). I was too scared & embarassed around men to have a relationship. I was petrified of sex, actually.

I've also had a difficult relationship with my mum. She is a lovely person & we get on quite well now but I do judder a bit when she tells me she loves me (she's only started doing this recently). I didn't trust her when I was growing up & hated her as a teenager. GP asked me if it could be because she put me in a situation that turned out not to be good? I think it could have happened at my grandma's/auntie's flat because I have vaguely bad feelings around being there too...I wonder if I saw something there or something happened to me at the hands of one of my auntie's friends? Oh, I don't know. I would explain a lot, but I can't yet think it really happened because I can't remember anything...

Sorry, this is so long. My head is spinning.

vairy Fri 08-Jul-11 23:52:32

*IT would explain a lot

You poor thing, this sounds miserable for you. Unfortunately there is a lot of controversy about recovered memories so it is going to be a bit tricky for you to sort this out. Purely from your post it sounds a bit as though the GP was keen to give you the idea that you have repressed memories (some HCPs are very hung up on the whole business). It is not, after all, particularly wierd to be distressed at having to perform repeated anal dilations on a sick child. The child doesn't like it very much, most of us do not spend much of our time penetrating other people's anuses (anii? Sorry...) and there is a general undercurrent of panic/taboo/peedos-are-everywhere-and-YOU-might-be-one about this sort of thing.
Don't rush into taking any action, be kind to yourself, take care of your own health and of course your DS, and give yourself time to see how you feel.

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