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What a mess?

(28 Posts)
Whata Fri 08-Jul-11 22:57:13

I know what I should do but .....

this is a long story. Eighteen months ago, I found out my husband had been having an affair for the past year with one of my best friends. I had deep down suspected and asked them both but with two children and a job, was just surviving and trying to do my best. They both denied it when I asked them. I finally found out in a particularly unpleasant way.

I thought she would leave her partner and mine would leave and they would move intogether, which seemed the plan. However, as I struggled to keep my head above water, look after the kids and keep my job, things just carried on. He slept in the spare room and worked away alot (part of his job) and I got accused of all sorts of shit, affecting the OW and he sometimes was around for the kids and soemtimes was not. Her DP did not know anything and life continued. I asked him to leave but he did not - I know he was having his cake and eating it. Me being wife at home and him gadding off with OW and playing happy families with her kids and making plans etc etc. In front of the kids we have never argued ( well once) and the kids have been fab. However, they are both now able to talk and say things just like hers.

Her OW found out this year and I thought the crunch had finally happened and they would get it together but NO. She decides to stay with her DP and they are going to counselling and seeing what they can salvage and make a go of it for her and their two kids. However, she also kept my husband on the go aswell.

Four months ago, he came home distraught, she had ended it with him. This lasted for two weeks and then she was back playing games, but contact is definitely reduced.

I have expected him to move out the house and he left on numerous occasions only to come back a few days later as if nothing had happened. I have spent the time saving like mad for a deposit on a house ( hate the thought of renting) and have had an offer accepted on a house for DCs and me, should complete in three weeks -yippee. I realised early this year that there was no way I want to stay with him and I will have to make the break because he will not and I know I should not care what happens to him, but my head can not deal with why he has stayed at home, being lovely to me at times and then a complete arsehole at other times, he talks about us as a couple with a future in one breath then goes and sees her or talks to her. Guilt is probably the answer and for the DCs sake I want us to remain amicable - they deserve to parents in their lives.

I just do not understand what he wants, do not think he understands what he wants and when I move out in 3 weeks time -(he does not know anything about it) will be very shocked. I know I should not care what goes on in his life - I suppose I am just looking for some answers that will never come.

Sorry this is just a bit of a cathartic - what the fuck happened to my life, 15 yrs of marriage and 2 years of lies and deceit and back stabbing by my husband and my best friend. I need to be shot of them both, one I can the other slightly more impossible. I suppose after all this time I jsut do not understand what has happened and am now moving on with my life - just feel lost and scared.

Whata Fri 08-Jul-11 22:58:33

Sorry that should read her DP found out

LesserOfTwoWeevils Fri 08-Jul-11 23:12:18

I don't have anything helpful to say, sorry, but well done for getting yourself together and making practical moves to get away from him and get on with your life. He just wants to have his cake and eat it. You've been horribly betrayed by two people you loved and who should have loved you, of course you feel lost and scared! But you haven't let it stop you. You're actually doing really well.

VioletV Fri 08-Jul-11 23:17:01

Wow OP well done you for keeping it together. You sound like a cracking woman. I really hope everything works out for you and you get some happiness. Will you be filling for divorce once you've moved out?

Whata Fri 08-Jul-11 23:21:41

Divorce - one thing at a time, in my head. I admire people who manage to get it all together in one go but for me it has been;
1. Survive mentally whilst living like an automaton for a few months
2. Keep kids happy
3. False hope
4. make plans - see solicitor realise screwed!
5. Work like a dog to save money for a deposit!
6. Try to ignore all the shit being thrown at me and accused of
7. See his family - who have been fab
8. Get screwed by threehome owners
9. Realisation - that I jsut want him to go
10. Guilt that my kids are going to suffer
11. Anger at him, anger at her - anger at the world
12. Feelings of violence towards both of them
13. Ready to move but scared and still confused.

VioletV Fri 08-Jul-11 23:29:45

I would see a solicitor sooner rather than later esp as you're the one looking to move out. I'm so sorry you've been betrayed by so called loved ones. You deserve much better but I think you're amazing at how well you've dealt with it. I know I couldn't have been so calm.

Head up OP.

goingbacktowork Sat 09-Jul-11 07:50:48

I am in awe or all you have done. YOu should be VERY proud of yourself. You know what you have to do and you have got on with it... you are an example to other women in your position (and there are lots).

BelleDameSansMerci Sat 09-Jul-11 08:08:55

You've said in your post that you don't understand why he's done this and talked about what he wants. I don't think it matters what he wants - he's lost the right to your consideration of his wants IMO. As for "why", I doubt anyone could adequately explain that - not even him. He's really strung you along - treating you like you're his "fallback option". Neither you not your children deserve this appalling treatment. How dare he? Really, who does he think he is to treat you this way?

I echo the advice to see a solicitor asap - you need to ensure that you and the children are protected adequately.

HauntedLittleLunatic Sat 09-Jul-11 08:17:52

Yes def see a solicitor. Even though you are the one moving out you would presumably still have rights to the home if joint names. Although you do not want to exercise those practical rights you need to protect your financial rights.

fantus Sat 09-Jul-11 08:20:23

God, no wonder you feel lost and scared. But you sound like you have done an amazing job in a shitty situation. And what an example you are setting for your DC's. No-one deserves to be treated like that, especially by people you thought loved and cared for you and well done you for not rolling over and taking it.

I wish you and your DC's a future filled with love, luck and happiness in your new home away from your arse of an H. When are you going to tell him? Are you going to tell him? Or are you just not going to be there when he comes home one day? I know which option I would choose!

Hassled Sat 09-Jul-11 08:22:58

You've done amazingly well - and it's possible that by playing the slow game and having to put up with however long of your DP pissing about, it has served to soften the blow for yourself - you sound in no doubt that you want to move on.

You'll never stop caring about what happens in his life - he fathered your children, you had 15 years together. But the level of caring changes, IYSWIM. I have a good friendship with my Ex now - I do care about him, but in a dispassionate way. You'll get there.

kayah Sat 09-Jul-11 08:46:37

He took advantage of you. It suted him.
to see his kids every day and se th OW.

when you are moving out is now a question about how much you can take out of the house, , also his access to the kids.
legally the new house is partialy owned by him as youm are married.

you must see a solicitor about it.

oldenoughtowearpurple Sat 09-Jul-11 08:47:49

You really need to see a solicitor ASAP. Technically the money you have saved to buy yourself a house is the joint property of you and soon to be ex husband. As you haven't told him you are going you aren't even separated yet. Presumably if you have got a mortgage on your salary alone you will be able to manage financially but he is the DCs father and his POV on access/residency is as valid as yours.

It will be difficult to understand 'why' it happened unless you are able to detach yourself sufficiently to ask him what, in HIS view, you did 'wrong' in the marriage. IMHO you MUST NOT do this - your history with him shows that you are a bit too willing to accept his bad actions (I was like this too) and you might just feel that if you 'changed' in some way it would all be OK. It wouldn't, so don't ask him. Save it for when you are a bit drunk at your youngest's wedding with a fab new partner on your arm and happiness in your heart.

HauntedLittleLunatic Sat 09-Jul-11 09:09:15

That's true - as you are married up until the point you formally separate all assets are joint...including any cash you have saved and potentially the property you have bought? I guess the latter is of negligible concern tho as there will e no equity.

ledkr Sat 09-Jul-11 09:21:06

You are an amazing woman you know,its such a refreshing change to hear from someone who simply refuses to put up with this treatment.
This happened to me 7 yrs ago,we had been together 18yrs had 4 dc's one a baby and i had breast cancer,the ow was a friend of our ds's.
I was like you and just knew there was no way forward but i had huge feelings of "wtf just happened?" and "what do i do now?" In the end i just thought well it did,and it happens to others too and just accepted it. I would recommend a good brief,lots of friends and plans for the future-ie a holiday or few days out.
If it helps you to move forward i now have a gorgeous dh and new baby,i have done more and been happier in the last 7 yrs than in my whole life,ex now lives at his gf Mothers house and has nothing,he is 42 and behaves like a teenager and is a laughing stock. Good luck and stay strong cos i promise you its worth it.

Whata Sat 09-Jul-11 09:55:26

thank you for all your lovely comments.

I just do not feel brave, the solicitor I saw very expensive scared the hell out of me. The house is in joint names and all money would in theory have to be split, I earn more than him and potentially will have to pay him - its gets better and better and better! Defintition of separation is difficult and could be argued either way -I hate lawyers.

Access I am not going to fight over that and his job will demand a great deal of flexibility on both sides but the DCs love their Dad and we have both tried really hard not to draw them into any problems. Thus he usually yells down the phone at me about some perceived misdemeanour I have done. Last one was me allegedly sitting outside her house ( she lives 80 minutes drive on a good runaway) whilst at work, picking up the kids from childminders, getting supper, doing the washing and finally sitting on my butt at 2100 when both in bed and the ironing done. I of course a super speed broomstick to fly me around all the time!!!

Sometimes I think he wants back in and then other times just after a text from her he turns nasty again, it is like living with split personalities. When she dumped him, for two weeks the old man I had fallen in love was back, kind considerate, doing stuff without being asked, text from her one day and wanker returned with his hardness and bitterness and blaming. She is not going to leave her DP and I think he knows he has ruined so much that is good in his life but for him too repair the damage now would take such a monumental effort that I am just not interested in trying - he ahd his chance and he blew it.

Onward and upward - just sad

FabbyChic Sat 09-Jul-11 10:08:13

You are doing fantastically, you have already started the moving on process, there is nothing left for you with this man, emotioanally you have moved on.

You can force the sale of the house when you move which you should do.

Everything will be split equally, you will not have to maintain him at all and have children to maintain.

Keep strong and carry on with your plans, tell him the night before that when he comes home the next day you and the chlidren will be gone and you want the house sold.

Aislingorla Sat 09-Jul-11 10:10:47

You are incredible!
Onward and upward definitely!
You will be fine, you've shown amazing strength of character.
He is no longer your responcibility!
Much, much better will come your way!

HauntedLittleLunatic Sat 09-Jul-11 10:20:42

I agree you are doing fab. I 'lived ' with xp for 6 weeks after finding out about his affair before he moved out. It was hell and you have done so much more.

I don't see why you would have to pay him - you are entitled to 50% of assets - including equity on your current home. But he us also entitled to 50% - but don't regard this as paying him.

I have come out of this more financially secure than xp. I have had to buy him out of house (well legally I font have to till kids are 18 but I am in process of doing so so clear the slate now). It would be him that has to buy you out of hone though if you are the one moving out.

BeforeAndAfter Sat 09-Jul-11 10:38:58

Oh Whata, I am so sorry that you are going through this mental torture. I have just left my H after 5 months of him yo-yoing between me and OW and regularly coming out with the "I don't know what I want", "I'm so confused” lines. Well I have finally interpreted the meaning of these phrases. First of all, they are the expressions of a coward and I am sorry but your H is a coward and this has been reinforced for me by MNers. In my case the words meant “I want to be with OW but I don’t have the guts to tell you our marriage is over”. Unfortunately every time he came out with his “I’m so confused” line it gave me hope sad. But with time the penny dropped.

I too earn more than my H but there are no DCs to worry about in terms of maintenance. My sol told me that our marriage would be seen as one of equal contributions and that a clean break settlement would mean that I would have no obligation toward him post divorce (I would give up work to avoid paying him maintenance!). The others posters are correct, until you formally separate your assets are joint, even if there is money saved in a sole named bank account, for example.

You have done brilliantly to get this far. Lean on MN, it is amazing. I have silently drawn strength and advice from everyone by lurking since end of March and I plucked up the courage to post just a few days ago. It really is cathartic, isn't it?

I too had feelings of violence, especially to OW. I dreamt horror movies and imagined all sorts that shocked me as I had no idea that such dark corners lurked within me. But my heart has hardened now and I truly don't care if he is with or without OW. Previously I would have cared very much. With OW? How dare they be happy. Without OW? Then why not with me? When you turn the corner and stop caring a peace of mind comes whereby those feelings of violence drain away. Sadness? Yes. Hatred of OW? Yes. But no desire to cause her extreme harm.

You will turn the corner in time. It is a roller coaster that you need to ride. Go with the flow. Tell people, take their support, take their kindness and be selfish with it. They WILL want to help you with the kids if you need a duvet day, they will want to support you in more ways that you can imagine.

Don’t put up with anymore torture, you are worth so much more. Stay strong and, hell, ride that broomstick girl!

ledkr Sat 09-Jul-11 11:01:50

Whata thats strange,i never approached the ow largely cos she was 16 and as much as a victim as i was imo.I too was accused of stalking her at work and stuff,i think its how we should behave but i didnt fancy kids with emotional probs as well as being a single parent so i put them first.
The sadness goes quickly,and is unrealistic,i remember crying at a programme in a destination we'd been on holiday,my friend reminded me that it was the holiday from hell and id text her every night desperate to come home.After a while i ended up feeling euphoric at my new life and to this day am staunchly proud of myself. Stick it out and you will emerge far more fullfilled than you can ever imagine.

Whata Sat 09-Jul-11 11:24:00

one of my issues with OW is the effect she may have on my kids. I would never harm a hair on her head as with the accusation of assault would go my job and my livelihood but she claims to be scared of me and uses that to play the helpless female but the wish to be violent to her is so strong.

That someone with so few morals, could even have the slightest influence on their lives angers me so much. I accept their father is as bad but I can not do anything about that. It is the web of lies that she has spun, her DP, my soon to be Ex, her family who know nothing, her friends etc. She lives in a fantasy world that I do not want to touch my DCs.

My eldest DC heard me talking on the phone about her to a friend and I called her the infestation in my life. Afterwards DC said - shall we take *** to the hospital to get rid of our infestation. If only it were that simple!!!

bellamom Sat 09-Jul-11 11:47:39

dear whata,
i can only echo what others have written, your dignity in this hurtful situation is phenomenal,,, that you have been able to not argue in front of children is testemony to your caring heart, and i truly wish you so well in the next chapter of your life.
love xxx

ledkr Sat 09-Jul-11 11:53:10

Well,i didnt allow dh to take mine to meet the ow as i felt it inappropriate with her age and the fact she is vile and swears all the time. Also she showed no respect for my 8 month old daughter by sleeping with her father or my sons who she knew socially so why would they want to meet her. She had ex baby 9 months ago so i decided dd would have to meet her to have contact with her sister.Its been ok bur ex only sees her for a few hrs on a sunday and dd likes babies so its ok,i have had no stories from dd as yet but the woman gave a niece aged 12 cigarettes at afamily do so i will be monitoring closely,my issue will be when dd is a teen and she may end up looking up to the ow when i seem like an old dragon who wants to stop her fun.
I had violent thoughts towards them both but to this day the look on ow face is priceless as i swan past her in town with my head up and a smile. I can imagine she thinks "why isnt she bothered?"

notsorted Sat 09-Jul-11 12:49:12

Hi, I've been in position with OW too. Told she is "prettier" than me, doesn't get angry etc. Then fell for him again and again because I wanted the family to work. I've no idea what they are up to now, though I did make sure she knows enough about him to raise a few red flags.
Am nursing anger too. Don't want DC to have anything to do with her for very long time. Also pretty sure (though may be totally wrong) that since XP has some pretty big issues their relationship will stumble. I'm still stuck but I take courage from all the MNers who say it will pass, it will change, it will get better.
Fingers crossed for you and what you've achieved so far X

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