Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Need advice quick please.

(28 Posts)
NickRobinsonsloveslave Fri 08-Jul-11 14:46:33

After huge row this morning I packed a bag in order to leave. I have nowhere to go, so will have to stay in a motel.

Am not taking 3DCs with me as this is their home.

Should I leave or is this a bad idea? Should I just stay, tell DH that we are over, I am staying for the sake of the children. Sleep in spare room, cut all financial ties with him and claim benifits for me and DCs?

I have to pick up DCs from nursery soon and was planning to leave when I returned them home.

Advice please.

AlwaysfeelIiadequate Fri 08-Jul-11 14:48:17

Sleep in the spare room and start to cut all ties and find another place for you and DCs or get him out of the house somehow.
Are things really that bad?

wellwisher Fri 08-Jul-11 14:49:17

Hard to say based on the limited info you've provided, but I wouldn't leave the marital home or your children. Spare room is far enough! Unless you are in physical danger, in which case you should be taking the DCs with you...

Terraviva Fri 08-Jul-11 14:52:30

Wiser people than me will be along in a minute to give you better advice than I can give, but I wanted to respond...

Things must be terrible if you're considering leaving your DC behind. Can you go and stay in a hotel for a night just to get some distance and a space to think through your options? Can you ask your DH to leave the home so you stay there with the children?

Sorry, I don't know the details of your story if you've posted before.

NickRobinsonsloveslave Fri 08-Jul-11 14:52:35

Yes, he accused me of stealing 'his' money.

Have had enough of being treated like a lodger in HIS house, using HIS gas and electricity.

DS1 overheard him mumbling that if it happened again I would be out on the street. So I told him I would save him the bother and walk.

He is now in the living room watching TV, after returning from the bank.

Terraviva Fri 08-Jul-11 14:56:12

Don't go now - you're (understandably) reacting and making rash decisions out of anger.

naturalbaby Fri 08-Jul-11 14:56:50

it doesn't sound like you've planned it out well enough, and if you've got kids of any age but especially a little one in nursery i would say hold on and get things sorted before dumping your kids and disappearing.

you haven't really put enough details for anyone to give a fair answer. i wouldn't normally say 'stay together for the sake of the children' but don't just leave after one argument without making proper plans and working out what you are going to do with your kids.

Terraviva Fri 08-Jul-11 14:57:37

If he's treating you like a lodger, moving into the spare room would be a big enough statement? Don't let him hound you out of YOUR and your DC's home

NickRobinsonsloveslave Fri 08-Jul-11 14:58:16

I don't want to go and leave the DCs obviously, but I can't drag them off to a motel.
DH not violent so not in any danger, but I just feel that he has completely overstepped the mark this time. I am tired of being accused of stealing his money.
He does not offer any money towards food or clothes, etc, DCs and I live on Tax Credits. His money is 'his'.

blackeyedsusan Fri 08-Jul-11 14:58:58

plan carefully and take the dc's with you.

NickRobinsonsloveslave Fri 08-Jul-11 15:03:28

Am just so upset that he called me a theif in front of our DCs.

Our relationship has never been what I would class as equal. It's always seemed as if he is the most important person in the and DCs come way down on this list.

I realise I haven't planned this out at all, but I just can't bear to be in the same room with him anymore.

Terraviva Fri 08-Jul-11 15:03:35

Do you have friends / family in RL you can ring and talk to? Without knowing about your situation, it's impossible to say whether spending one night away to clear your head and give him a shock is a good idea or not.

Terraviva Fri 08-Jul-11 15:05:02

It sounds awful - no wonder you want to leave. How old are your DC?

oldenoughtowearpurple Fri 08-Jul-11 15:05:18

You are married? So wAHt Bout the bit in the service where he said 'all my worldly goods with thee I share'. He's got a nasty shock coming then.

Like they all say, stay, spare room, solicitor first thing Monday morning.

GypsyMoth Fri 08-Jul-11 15:05:50

Women's aid?

NickRobinsonsloveslave Fri 08-Jul-11 15:11:36

Am tending to agree about staying, I can't bear to think of how upset the DCs would be, they are so young (9, 4 and 3).

I think I could very easily move into spare room and cut all financial(none) ties with him. And I think I could claim some benifits too if I can prove we are living sep lives.

I just wonder if the atmosphere that is sure to occur (already has) will have a detrimental effect on DCS.
Has anyone actually managed to go down the living together but not living together route?

ShoutyHamster Fri 08-Jul-11 15:21:33

Ha. Well, big shock awaiting Mr. BullyBoy if you choose to implement it.

NEWSFLASH - 'his' money is not 'his' money. You are married. You are a family. He has the privilege of getting to live within a family, have children AND earn money because other team members take on other aspects of the work, like taking care of the kids during work hours. I.e. YOU.

I would not leave, no. Instead I would call the CAB and Womens Aid and a solicitor and get some advice, pronto. Because he needs to be put firmly in his place with a few cold hard facts about what the legal positon is here, and fast. Because he is talking utter shite.

Do you own your home? Then if you file for divorce, you can get the house forcibly sold and the majority of the proceeds would come to YOU as you would in all likelihood have care of the children, and their housing needs take priority. While this was happening, and you were living apart, he could be forced to continue to pay the mortgage. You would get a part of his income come to you as maintenance.

Do you rent? Then take advice on how to get him to leave and take over the tenancy. Then file a claim with the CSA for him to start paying maintenance. Your tax credits would increase. And he would have the doubtful pleasure of starting over again in a nice cheery sole tenancy somewhere else, where, let's guess, he no longer has you washing his socks, making his meals, and when the children come to stay with him he has to look after them by himself, sole responsibility.

Arm yourself with the info, sit him down, and tell him that his money isn't his, it's family money. You have as much right to decide how it is spent as he does. If he disagrees, here are the facts and figures - he is welcome to leave and formalise everything through divorcing, splitting the assets, and starting to pay maintenance. Because THAT is the only legal way for him to be able to claim that any part of 'his' money is his own... when you have split.

So he can either join the family properly and stop arsing around with all this 'I control the cash' nonsense, or he can LEAVE the family and fend for himself. With all his lovely (less maintenance) cash.

Don't take this crap any longer.

ShoutyHamster Fri 08-Jul-11 15:23:44

Well no, I wouldn't go down that route - living together but not - because you lose out financially.

Why should he get to live in a family setting whilst refusing to contribute properly to that family?

If you plan to split, move apart from one another, and get it formalised. Then you will have increased tax credits and maintenance, you can plan better for the future and more cash means greater security for your children. And you can get away from his crappy attitude too!

Becaroooo Fri 08-Jul-11 15:26:22

Go and get legal advice - quickly

Tobermory Fri 08-Jul-11 15:31:42

Shoutyhamster speaks a lot of sense. I don't think you should feel forced into your home, with or without your DC.

Hope you're OK nickrobinson!

NickRobinsonsloveslave Fri 08-Jul-11 15:37:57

But how do I get somewhere else to live?

If I stay in the house and apply to social housing, which obviously would take a long time to sort out, then surely I would get some sort of maintenance from him even if we are still living in the same property, no?

I have no means to just go out and put down money on a rented property.
And the council would hardly class us a priority case.

Agree that I need legal advice. I do know that I can make him sell the house and split the money. He could afford to stay here on his own, actually. If I could find a decent job I could probably afford the mortgage too, just about. But would I have to buy him out if he did leave and I stayed?

Terraviva Fri 08-Jul-11 15:43:58

Others with more experience will be along in a minute to give you advice, but here's a website that gives you advice on your rights Money Advice

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops Fri 08-Jul-11 15:47:54

Call a solicitor. Many will give you free advice for half an hour.

naturalbaby Fri 08-Jul-11 17:19:52

so you are married and they are his children and he doesn't put a penny towards them or you for looking after them?!? has this always been the case? have you told him you are thinking of leaving/splitting up/moving out? it doesn't sound like that would get any sort of response from him though.

you poor thing to be living in this situation. if you are serious about moving out then try and work out some sort of middle ground with him so you can live together and be civil so there isn't unpleasantness in front of the dc's then take a bit of time to look into all your options to find somewhere to live.

GypsyMoth Fri 08-Jul-11 17:41:10

2 options as I see it

First...... Council rent assist scheme

Second....women's aid hostel ( financial abuse) you will be officially homeless and re housed quickly as you jump the social housing queues

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: