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DH, deceit, drugs.....feels like I am married to a stranger

(12 Posts)
supersadsally Thu 07-Jul-11 19:27:01

Three days ago I discovered that dh was blackberry messenging an ex, someone who he had been obsessed with and going to marry prior to meeting me. She now apparently lives near us and remains unmarried (i have been married to dh for 8 yrs).

Everything on his phone is passcode protected but i managed to hack into the messenging app and read pages of messages between them, which were enlightening. He is apparently smoking weed, which I had a times suspected but he had vigorously denied. I am very anti-drugs.

I spoke to him about his messaging her, without revealing the extent of what I had read or explaining that I knew his passcode. He apologised and said he would not message her again. The following day I checked his phone and he was continuing to message her.

I asked him if he had messaged her, he said no, offered to delet app to reassure me. I asked him to show me, he got his phone and showed me there were no messages then deleted the app. So basically a complete lie to my face, no signs at all.

I explained I had checked his phone less than 10 minutes prior and there had been messages. He was pretty cross I had invaded his privacy hmm

Since then it has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I feel sad one moment, angry the next and occassionally wish I could just forget the whole thing. I can't trust him anymore, he can clearly lie to me with great ease.

He has only given very roundabout apologies....."I am sorry for how this has made you feel" etc.

Am finding it really hard to cope, wondering what else has been lies over the years. sad

supersadsally Thu 07-Jul-11 19:39:51

Anyone supportive about?

corriefan Thu 07-Jul-11 19:41:18

I don't have personal experience of this but you must feel totally confused. What were the messages saying? Any signs of an affair or meetings in secret? Lots of love

venusandmars Thu 07-Jul-11 19:46:10

What to you want to do? Ask him to move out to give you a bit of space for a while? If it was possible would you want to work on things and be with him, or is it too late for that? Do you have anyone in RL who can come and support you?

FabbyChic Thu 07-Jul-11 19:46:14

More to the point what are you going to do about it?

Weed is not a problem if not smoked excessively, however if you are really anti-drugs its a huge problem.

You need to face the problems you have and deal with them.

They are not going to go away.

He is emotionally cheating on you and you need to pull him on it and tell him it either stops or your marriage is over.

supersadsally Thu 07-Jul-11 19:46:42

The messages discussed possible secret meet ups and ways to fit it in so I wouldn't know but I dont know if they did. It didn't sound like a proper affair as suuch, but had only been going on very recently, within the last two weeks.

After finding out I knew his passcode, he has changed it, so could be continuing to phone/email.

He says all he wants is me and the kid confused

supersadsally Thu 07-Jul-11 19:51:39

Tbh I don't know if I am interested in trying.....but then can't believe that after so long it could all be over. I think I have been in total shock.

I have said I want to talk to someone about this and decide what to do next, with a view to strongly considering a divorce.

We are acting as normal in front of the kids...but I get the suspicion that he thinks that it is actually back to normal shock.

Need to have a discussion tonight as tbh we have only spent a few hours together over the past few days

lazarusb Thu 07-Jul-11 19:53:46

It doesn't sound good OP sad If he had nothing to hide he wouldn't have changed his passcode. His reaction is also flippant and disrespectful. I think you need to give him a very big wake up call...

corriefan Thu 07-Jul-11 19:54:27

Could he be lying because he knows how upset you'd be if you found out he was in contact with her and smoking weed and it's a quick way of avoiding a bollocking? If nothing has happened (apart from the lying obviously which is horrendous), could you get to know her as well and stop her from being the clandestine friend?

supersadsally Thu 07-Jul-11 19:58:25

I have very small children (who absolutely adore him) so am trying to manage this whole situation considerred and calmly without upsetting them.

But this means nothing is actually happening....we were discussing this and a small child woke up and then I feel asleep blush putting them back to bed, then in th emornings they are up very early (yawn). He just got back from work, but kids still playing musical beds

FabbyChic Thu 07-Jul-11 20:10:06

However you view it he has had an emotional affair, just not taken it to the physical.

He is seriously taking the biscuit.

Apocalypto Thu 07-Jul-11 20:34:09

Sounds like he likes the kids but he's bored of you. He's prepared to put up with you in order to stay close to them.

Scheming with exes and smoking weed behind your back...bit of a tosser. If the ex is prepared to connive with him at deceiving you, I'd say they deserve each other.

As a wise man said, a man who divorces his wife to marry his mistress creates a vacancy.

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