Should I just shut up?

[helensays]

This really isn?t a huge marriage ending problem but I?m bloody fed up. My DH works away sometimes generally a couple of times a month, sometimes more. This doesn?t really bother me and sometimes when he is away he will go out for a drink with a friend at the away office and they will stay in the pub until kicking out time and this too doesn?t bother me because they don?t see each other much and its something for my DH to do.

The thing that is irritating me is when he goes away for work and other people from the office here also have to go away because they will go out drinking until kicking out time and if they?re up there for a few nights they will go out and get shit faced every night their away. The company doesn?t pay for the drink and when he?s at home he doesn?t want to go out like that with me and if I suggest going out he makes a fuss and then if we do go out he yawns and wants to go home.

I feel like if when he?s at home he doesn?t want to go out with me, who does he work with that?s so special that he wants to stay out all night with?

I get that being away can be dull so if they went out for a meal and a few drinks I could understand that but it?s the staying out until kicking out time is annoying me and when I said to him, he just over reacts and says well I won?t go out then at all. which means he will make a big fuss and let everyone he works with think I?m a bitch not letting him play with his friends. I think he fancy?s one of the girls he works with because everything he says about her is that she bloody fantastic and everything she says is the gospel according to H!

Sorry for the rant, I think I just wanted to get it all out.

[helensays]

well, i'm guessing yes I should shut up as no one is clearly listening.

[WibblyBibble]

Can you just go out on your own when he is home and see whether then he might eventually start wanting to join you? Seems like you should get some time going out too, if he's getting all that through work!

[Aislingorla]

No Helen, don't shut up!
He is going out too much without you. And I don't like the sound of his 'bloody fantastic' work colleague.
You need to find out what's going on and nip it in the bud!
My DH was always out having great fun with work colleagues while I was at home with the kids. I let him because we had grown so far apart I didn't care.
However, when I discovered his affair I was deeply shocked and it slowly began to dawn on me how bad things had become between us.

[Ganshee]

Aislingorla just because your husband worked away and had an affair doesnt necessarily mean the same is happening to helensays. If helensays husband was having an affair with this 'wonderful' work colleague I'm sure he wouldn't be talking about her so openly to her and expressing how great she is.

Lots of men who work away enjoy the opportunity of a social life (do you know how boring it is stuck in a dingy hotel room all week?).

WibblyBibble has the right idea. Start going out yourself. Have a girly weekend away with your friends. You need a bit of "me" time in your life as well and shouldn't be feeling how you are feeling about your husband's social life. It might help you relax and enjoy life more.

Also, suggest going out for a meal once or twice a month with your hubby and have a few drinks and a natter with him. Get that connection (and reassurance) back.

[ForeverMum]

No don't shut up! I think you are quite right to be pi**ed off. My DH works very hard, his job is very physical and I understand that he is tired at the end of a long day.

Like your DH he is always too tired to go out with me or do things as a family, yet there is always time for golf with the boys. If I say anything about it I am moaning. "Could I do anymore than I already am for you guys?" is his fave response.

He can be quite cold and un emotional at times. He seems to think that providing a good quality of life for us is doing his bit and thinks we spend enough time together as family as it is. I dissagree. And this from a man who wants me to have another baby. Think I've strayed off the path and just strated moaning about my DH now. ooooops sorry. Anyway dont shut up and like the other girls suggested. Go out with the girls. Its more fun anyway! :o

[helensays]

Thank you all. I don?t think he?s having an affair but the woman he goes on about is all young, thin and single so she?s always off doing young free and single things and he always wants to tell me all the amazing things that she has managed to do. And I think he fancies her a bit but I think that?s because of all the things she?s able to do because she doesn?t have to babies!

I know the hotel can be boring and I think its fine if they all go out for diner and a few drinks but it?s the staying out late and getting drunk that annoys me.

I emailed him before he got home to explain why it all pisses me off and I told him that if he prefer going out with work people instead of me then let me know and I?ll happily arrange to start going out without him. But it hasn?t really worked because he has got home from work and not even acknoweledged the email.

I chose to email him instead of talking to him because I?ve talked to him before and all I get is ?well I won?t go out then, I?ll just stay in the hotel? in the most passive aggressive tone possible and it just leads to me being in the wrong.

I think that?s was just another rant, sorry and thank you for listening / reading :)

[Octopus3]

Well the worst thing you can do is to shut up tbh!

I have done all the travelling, away from home etc... So has H.
Yes it can be boring in an hotel but I have never (and neither as H) done the 'going out drinking until kicking out time'. For one simple reason. I was away for work. It means that the day after I had a full day, I needed to be able to function properly and I wouldn't have been able to do so if I had. So I totally agree with you. Having a meal and a drink or two is plenty in these circunstances.

Now I guess that what is happening is that he might not enjoy going out to the pub that much (hence he doesn't want to do that with you) but he is surrounded by people who do and feels ackward not to do it. The probably even more ackward to tell you he can't stand up for himself and not go.
One thing I would be looking at is : does he enjoy going out with you (but not to the pub)? Look at what you could do together in an evening and do that instead (Cinema, bowling???).

BTW, I don't know if it is just a rant but it was annoying you enough to want and post on here. On that ground, it was an important subject.

[helensays]

Octopus3 I think your right about it being almost peer pressure, he?s away with his two bosses as well so I know a lot of it is trying to keep in their good books by doing what they want.

I had a really bad night last night because my 2 year old screamed all night and I think its because her dad wasn?t home and she?s becoming more aware of when he?s away with work, so I think perhaps I?m a bit more sensitive because of lack of sleep but it does bug but I think I just have to let it go because its only a few time a month and if I do say anything he will just get mega passive aggressive and stay in his hotel room and not even go out for food with everyone. All I want is for him to behave like he does at home, go out with the people from work, have a meal and a few drinks but get back with enough time to watch some TV or call home again.

[Octopus3]

So he is with his 2 bosses? Don't look any further. He is going out because he feels he has to, because he might be worried that he won't thought of as well as before etc...

Just trust him and see it as if it was part of his 'job descrption' if it helps. He should be able to stop if this is getting out of hand (or some gentle comments/encouragements about how tired he looks whe he comes back if you see it getting out of hand ?)

[Fairenuff]

Don't let him fob you off with his passive aggressive answers. This situation is clearly important to you and therefore needs to be addressed seriously. You deserve to have your feelings acknowledged, not belittled.

Can you ask if he read your email. Or print it off and give it to him. Can you tell him you want to schedule time to talk about it properly and come to a compromise.

I understand he may want to impress his boss but I would think impressing his wife would take priority.

[helensays]

Ok, I waited all night and he hadn?t said anything about it so at bed time (the best time of coursed) I asked him had he read it and he said yes and then said nothing else, so I said ok well shall I start going out without you? And he said is that what you want to do? And then it all went into a huge row and he said things like well I?m away what am I supposed to do? And well give a time that you want me back in my room by? And when I tried to explain to him that?s not what was annoying and it?s the fact that he doesn?t want to go out with me but seems to love going out with people from work.

He said he does want to go out with me but we don?t get the opportunity. which is bullshit because when we do have the opportunity he makes a fuss about going out. We very rarely argue and he went mental this time shouting and when I said ok your right, I?m sorry you clearly want to spend just as much time with me as you do with the people you work with and I left the room to come down stairs and he shout from the room get back here now! So I didn?t because he?s not my dad! anyway he followed me down stairs, shouted a bit more about how he will just stay in his room and he threw his lap top on the floor.

We really don?t argue but this one made him a crazy person so I think as Octopus3 said I think I need to just accept it. I think there are worse things he could be doing and if he doesn?t start making an effort with me, I?m going to start arranging nights out with my friend and make so that he can?t come. I?ve also just started a voluntary job one day a week at a very young and cool organisation so I?m sure so going out opportunities without him will come up and I get the feeling he?s going to hate that.

[Butterbur]

"We really don?t argue but this one made him a crazy person so I think ... I think I need to just accept it"

Don't accept this sort of bullying. Ever. If he thinks he can get his own way by a display of faeces throwing, he will do it more and more. It's the thin end of the wedge

[kayah]

He has serious anger control problems.

Throwing laptop on the floot like a toddler...

HE works hard and comes home and just wants to be left alone, nogt really interested in socialising.

I guess that may be the sign of you two starting to grow apart.

[Aislingorla]

Which is also my point kayah, I wasn't saying he is having an affair ,more that all this going out with colleagues and having so much fun with them is a sure sign that you are growing apart.
OK, so he's under pressure to go out with his bosses but 'till kicking out time every time? That's fine now and again but worrying if he's doing it a lot.
A sign I missed was my DH's increasing spending time with single, childless couples and wanting less time with our 'couple' friends.
Don't accept that level of anger helen, something is not right between you.

[Aislingorla]

And did he actually tell you he fancies that colleague a bit or do you just think he might?

[helensays]

he didn't say he fancies her and I did mention that I think he does because that really would be a row for no good reason.

[helensays]

we generally don't argue and yes he behaved like a child during this arguement and he said all the exact things I thought he would.

we have a babysitter next week because a relative said they would take the children so during the arguement he said I do want to go out with you, we have the opportunity to go out next week so let's go out but I think that its all going to come back on me like, I'm the one that wants to go out so what do you want to do? and he will make me feel awkward about it.

I've just emailed him before he has a chance to put it all back on me I've emailed him and told him I don't mind where we go and that he should pick, so if he doesn't like it, its his own fault.

[Octopus3]

helensays, just as much I can understand why he would go out with his bosses, I don't thik it's acceptable in any ways to behave the way he did when you confronted him about how you felt.

More than the 'going out with collleagues', you need to address the 'going out together' as a couple. I think that going out on your own is OK if the issue is just that he doesn't really like to go out and you do (fine to have different tastes) but if the issue is that he doesn't want to spend time with you, then you need to look at that problem (and leave the go out with bosses alone as it is not the 'real' issue iyswim).
My worry would be that you would go out on your own, he would do when he is away and yu will grow apart.
A stern talk about how throwing his laptop on the floor and shouting isn't on should be on the agenda too.

[Octopus3]

Xpost sorry

[Aislingorla]

How long have you been together helen?
Do you think he could be stressed?
Is the anger uncharactistic?

[helensays]

if we have a baby sitter all he wants to do is stay at home with me and I think enjoy having the house to ourselves and be able to do things like watch TV without being interupted or having to make bottles up ect.

we've been together 12 years
things are very stressful at the moment because we're moving house and lots of opportunities are opening up for all at the sametime (which he is very support of and is always pushing me to take every opportunity that comes my way)
the anger is uncharactistic because I can't say it enough it is really rare that we would even have a disagreement let alone an arguement. he can be grumpy but he not really angery.

I really don't know and after thinking about it maybe now isnt the best time to address this and maybe I should wait until we've moved.

I'm very confussed

[Octopus3]

helen could you clarify why you are bothered that he is going out late when he is away?

TBH, now never feels like to right time to address problems (Been there - done that) but if it does make you miserable, you need to solve the problem.

You are talking abut bottles, I guess you are at least one young child. How old are they?

[tadpoles]

"He said he does want to go out with me but we don?t get the opportunity. which is bullshit because when we do have the opportunity he makes a fuss about going out."

He is denying the reality.

"He went mental this time shouting and when I said ok your right, I?m sorry you clearly want to spend just as much time with me as you do with the people you work with and I left the room to come down stairs and he shout from the room get back here now....he followed me down stairs, shouted a bit more about how he will just stay in his room and he threw his lap top on the floor."

Then, when you point this out to him, he becomes very angry. Very passive aggressive.

Make a few arrangements to go out together (eg: get a sitter, plan a few things). If he is less than enthusiastic, then change the arrangement to going out with some friends, on the basis that he wasn't that keen. Have a great time and tell him all about it when you get back. I think you should give him a taste of his own medicine.

Sorry, but what is sauce for the goose and all that.

[helensays]

we have 2 babies 1 and 3.
I don't know whether or not to wait and see what happens next week when have the "opportunity" to go out and see if he makes any sort of a fuss about it.

although I'm sure he is going to say things like there's no where to go, what do you want to do and put it all back on me.
we dont go to the cinema because we have a home theater and he would never, ever go bowling.

we're going out for lunch in the day with family to celebrate my exams and jobs ect but then we're free in the evening and because we're going out for food in the day I don't know if there's any point going out for a meal in the evening.

I feel really stuck in rut.

I also feel a bit moany and like I'm going on at strangers (so sorry for that)

[Octopus3]

First of all. Your not moany or going on at strangers. You are obvioulsy very affected by what is happening and struggling to see clearly what is going on and what to do about it. So, because that's the reason why MN exists (so that we are all able to share our problems and get a clearer picture), you are exactly at the right place and doing the right thing! Bring it on!

Moving on. So you have 2 young dcs that are probably taking lot of yur time and attention. And take a lot of the energy and attention away from your relationship (That's totally normal btw)

How is your DH taking on the responsability of fatherhood? Is he happy with that, delighted, hands on or struggling?
Do you think that, perhaps, this 'going out away from home' is just a red herring? That the issue is about the fact yu can feel you are growing apart?

With 2 young dcs, things change quite a lot and the relationship changes too. I believe that some people manage this change well, wo a single though about it. Other people need help to remind them what actually brought them together in the first place. And help to change from being a single person to a couple to being a parent (and learn to be all these 3 things at the same time). Would you consider relationship counselling? It could be a nice place for yu to discuss certain issues (like the one you are referring to) in a neutral environment. And also to reestablish some sort of balance in your relationship.