Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

bizzarre behaviour from DH, mid life crisis??

(108 Posts)
dizzy36 Wed 06-Jul-11 14:52:52

last November my husband declared that he had had enough, he felt he had to leave, hes felt like this for a long time, we are incompatible, he can't relate to me?? I wont do anything, he doesnt want to waste anymore years, he wants the opportunity to find someone whos going to love and take care of him? the list goes on.

After basically sulking through november, December and most of Jan he walked out on me and my 2 children (11 and 2). He continued to come to see them almost every day and saw my older child on a sunday. He even talked about taking the time as a break and that he would be home again soon, he went from loving me to hating me from one week to the next, it was exhausting but i hung in there. He came home in Mid march, 'tried' for about 2 weeks then the mood swings came...he didnt love me anymore, i'm not the one, he doesnt see any future for us blah blah

surprise surprise I found out at the begginng of June that he had been seeing a young girl at work, an employee, shes 25, hes 40 this year. The strange thing was it seems to have been an emotional fling rather than a physical one and it wasnt going on for very long yet he said he thought he was in love with her! a few days after he confessed we decided to try again...he said he loved me, he wished he could turn the clock back, so glad he hadnt lost me etc. Then on saturday he walked out!

I have found out lots of things since, things he said like the fact that he only came home in march because i was making it 'awkward' for him to see the kids, that he was begging this girl to take him back in May when he was still at home. I am pretty disgusted with what i have heard.

The one thing he kept on saying was he wished he had clarity, clear thinking. I have no idea what that means so couldnt help him. dont we all have clarity, the ability to think clearly, know the difference between right and wrong?

My oldest starts secondary school in sept and my daughter nursery, I practically begged him not to leave until they have settled in school, he refused and i am now telling him he must leave them alone until then. The last time he left i could see my son felt an awful lot of pressure to please his dad i.e. make sure to go and see him, which he doesnt need right now. My other half is not happy to do this which is understandable but he needs to understand that he chose this situation and its time to put the childen first as its all been about him for the last 8 months. He even chose a rock climbing outing to tell my son he was going!

I firmly beleive he is having some kind of mid life crisis because he acted exactly the same the year he turned 30. I just cant beleive i'm still willing to work things out. Sadly, when he does come to his senses it will be too late and he will have lost the 3 most important people in his life.

sorry for the 'going on' it has been a very long and harrowing 8 months.

i

saladfingers Wed 06-Jul-11 15:15:02

I feel your pain but i also think you're right. It's time for you to move on.It's sounds like you are probably through the worst of it.You sound strong and very together. He might well be having a midlife crisis but he behaviour is unforgiveable.
Now you need to think about yourself and your DC.
He has treated you all very badly. You have given him enough chances. How could you trust him again to not let you down at 50? 60?
Wishing you lots of strength to see this through but i KNOW you can do it and you'll be in a happier more secure place as a result.

TheFarSideOfFuck Wed 06-Jul-11 15:23:35

Time to cut him loose permanently now

Don't look for excuses, nor even reasons for such utter fuckwittery

As soo as I read your title, I knew there would be a young OW involved somewhere

I wouldn't trust there hasn't been sexual infidelity either, but it doesn't matter really

He has treated you and his dc like disposable objects and you have let him

no more

oldwomaninashoe Wed 06-Jul-11 15:59:34

And he will regret it!!!
The thing is you and the Dc's also have a life to live and you cannot wait around for him to decide that the grass wasn't actually greener, because he will actually come to that conclusion be it within months or years.

He is behaving like a spoilt child and not thinking of the fallout on the rest of you. Thing is will he behave like this every decade??

Tell him that he either stays and puts some effort in ie conselling or similar or goes now and never darkens your door again.

You will feel a great sense of relief I'm sure once you know exactly where you stand after 8 months of him mucking about. It is no way to live, and you don't deserve it

Saffysmum Wed 06-Jul-11 16:07:54

What the others have said.

So what if the term is "midlife crisis" the fact is that he's treated you horribly, and you need to cut him out of your life.

I had two years of my husbands "midlife crisis" and watched him lose weight, work out obsessively, go running, start wearing far-to-young-for-him designer clothes. Then he started listening to Rhiana rather than Radiohead....honestly it was bloody pathetic. He became detached, didn't love me anymore, wanted to go, wanted to stay....blah, blah, blah.

Cut a long story short - I'm divorcing him. He can save his designer wear and too-tight t-shirts for his solicitor appointments!

You're strong - you've been messed around enough. Get some legal advice.

pickgo Wed 06-Jul-11 16:15:43

RESPECT @ SAffysmum grin

Dizzy WRT your DS, why not ask him how often he'd like to see his Dad?

Sounds like you need to draw a great big thick line in the sand right through his faithless double-dealing and lies. Hope you have a joint account you can empty and take the proceeds to treat your DCs to a great summer hols.

Proudnscary Wed 06-Jul-11 16:16:36

What ^ they've all said!

How dare he treat you and the children like this?? How selfish, pathetic, immature and irresponsible.

Just make sure you shower your kids with love, tell them none of it is their fault, listen to them - I'm sure you do all this anyway.

feckwit Wed 06-Jul-11 16:19:05

Definitely time to move on.

However I don't think you can tell him to leave the children alone, they deserve a relationship with their dad.

Mouseface Wed 06-Jul-11 16:20:12

dizzy - he is taking the piss out of you. Sorry to be blunt but you mustn't let this man stay in your life.

He can't just wander in and out of your lives whenever he feels like it!

How utterly pathetic he is.

I doubt very much that this is a 'mid-life crisis', well not unless he's dyed his hair, bought a sports car and got his nipple pierced?

He is using your kind nature to have his cake and eat it.

Goodbye MrDizzy - I second the legal advice and that you are a strong woman.

Take control.

Proudnscary Wed 06-Jul-11 16:20:21

And yes I meant to say what feckwit said too - it is not fair on them. Your oldest might be saying what he thinks you want to hear.

Snowdropbooks Wed 06-Jul-11 16:53:18

Not so sure I agree with the others, falling in love can feel like a mental illness, your husband sounds like he has fallen sick with love, but is it real, will it pass, and can you help him get through this illness. In a year will he feel the same? Will you? If it is a crisis why give up so easily, is a father for your children and a long marriage worth the challenge? I'm just saying it's worth looking at the situation through different lenses sometimes. Best wishes.

pickgo Wed 06-Jul-11 17:02:54

can you help him get through this illness
BOLLOCKS (with all due respect)
This ain't no illness - it's a lowdown, double-dealing, selfishshitty load of feckwittery that's what it is.
He's not sick just a selfish twat who's so far up his own arse he'll come out through his mouth!
Help him with a great big boot up his bum out of your life!

dizzy36 Wed 06-Jul-11 17:14:22

thank you all so much for your replies, a lot of it I have been thinking already. With regards to DC i do know that the children have a right to see their dad but he is so not being one at the minute, he only left them 3 months ago for goodness sake and now hes doing it to them again. He just isnt able to think past himself at the moment and I dont want the kids let down anymore especially my DS. Hes never really had a close relationship with his dad which makes this even more sad. All i want is a few weeks for things to calm down, I will then ask my DS what he would like to do

The thing is my DH says 'I need to see the kids' all the time, he never once talks about what they need or whats best for them which concerns me. He doesnt seem to acknowlege that they might be hurting. He thinks he can fix things by taking them to the park or for a meal. I know at some point we will have to discuss a regular arrangement but until then he really needs to show that he is able to put them first because i know without a doubt as soon as he meets someone else they will go on the backburner. He does not have a very good track record when it comes to his children, he has an older daughter who he basically ditched when she was 14, she contacted him when she was 16 he managed for 2 weeks then ditched her again. Hes left my DS 3 times in his life now. Does this sound like a good father?

I mean is it always right that a father should see his children even though he clearly sees them as property, something to fill a need in him. I so wish they were a lot older and didnt have to deal with all this. Can you beleive he told hes been feeling like this even before my daughter was born! I mean why have another child??

debs05 Wed 06-Jul-11 17:20:30

Sick in love? What a load of shit! An insult, he's married to you! I feel your pain, been through similar. But move on, he's adding salt to the wounds by going and coming.

God us women really do put up with shit loads in the name of love/marriage!!

pinkytheshrinky Wed 06-Jul-11 17:22:12

What a gutless fuck - you so deserve better treatment than this as do your dcs

Kick him to the kerb sweetheart and take some legal advice.

So sorry your family are going through this x

Saffysmum Wed 06-Jul-11 17:27:00

Snow - it isn't like an illness - this "man" has treated his wife appallingly, and his kids too. He has been unfaithful, (emotional perhaps, but I doubt it), and has ping ponged back from younger woman to wife and kids without a second thought for them.

An illness indeed! I'm fed up with the term "mid life crisis" being an excuse for men to treat their wives and kids like shit. Bet it was coined by a middle aged man.

Even if OP and her H work with through this, and respect to them if they do, he has so much work to do. He needs to win her back and get therapy, counselling etc. I could never have my Ex who had an "illness" back - because the damage was too great, and sometimes there's no going back.

These "men" need to take responsibility for being selfish, self indulgent wasters. Giving them an excuse and then saying it's an illness makes a mockery of all us women trying to hold a family together, being mum and dad to the kids, and trying to understand and come to terms with the hurt caused to us. Don't underestimate the damage - it's bloody awful.

Mouseface Wed 06-Jul-11 17:38:04

Oh, is he playing the the illness card. Please, I have no Tena Lady one today. grin

Seriously, he is so manipulative or at least he's trying to be. Let him see his children, through agreed arrangements made by both of you.

But make sure he is fully aware that his relationship with you is well and truly over.

It has to be.

Mouseface Wed 06-Jul-11 17:38:54

'on' not one. Clearly my Tena Lady helps me to spell wink

TheFarSideOfFuck Wed 06-Jul-11 17:48:17

snowdrop do you still feel this utterly selfish and fuckwitted man needs "helping through his illness" after OP's latest post ?

I am really sorry Op, but this man had bloody massive waving red flags the minute you met him

and no, you are entirely right...a few trips as a McDonald's/Park Daddy does not a good father make

Snowdropbooks Wed 06-Jul-11 17:50:56

Goodness, why all the hostility, I want this lady to consider saving her marriage....don't you? Did this guy start off as a badun? Did he behave badly on their wedding day? Was he born evil? He sounds like someone in crisis who needs help, why kick a guy when he is down? Am I missing something here?

TheFarSideOfFuck Wed 06-Jul-11 17:52:16

yes, snowdrop, you are missing an important part of every woman's make-up

respect for one's own self

Saffysmum Wed 06-Jul-11 18:05:01

Yes Snowdrop - you are definitely missing something here.

Your post struck a nerve with me, and I'll tell you why: my husband of 22 years had a midlife crisis, and I worked bloody hard for the last two years trying to help him and save it. He ended up doing awful things, not least of all which affected one of the kids badly. The OP has also worked at saving her marriage, and she's at the end of her tether.

The main reason why your "illness" comment grated, is that I lost my darling sis to cancer earlier this year. I nursed her (I'm a nurse btw) and I can assure you that what she went through was an illness, a real illness, and what my prat of a husband went through/is going through, is a million miles away from that.

TheFarSideOfFuck Wed 06-Jul-11 18:05:50

well said, saffysmum sad

Mouseface Wed 06-Jul-11 18:06:29

Snowdrops - please look at this bit again and tell me if she should try to save her marriage

"surprise surprise I found out at the begginng of June that he had been seeing a young girl at work, an employee, shes 25, hes 40 this year. The strange thing was it seems to have been an emotional fling rather than a physical one and it wasnt going on for very long yet he said he thought he was in love with her! a few days after he confessed we decided to try again...he said he loved me, he wished he could turn the clock back, so glad he hadnt lost me etc. Then on saturday he walked out!

I have found out lots of things since, things he said like the fact that he only came home in march because i was making it 'awkward' for him to see the kids, that he was begging this girl to take him back in May when he was still at home. I am pretty disgusted with what i have heard."

TheFarSideOfFuck Wed 06-Jul-11 18:11:16

it isn't just that bit, mousey, it's the whole scenario

OP would be doing herself no favours at all if she were to subjugate herself to a self-entitled prick like this

and colluding with him in teaching some very damaging lessons to her children about how people should treat others they are supposed to love and care for

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now