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Married 11 years, 2 wonderful kids but I'm so depressed and feel stuck

(26 Posts)
QPRD Wed 06-Jul-11 13:06:12

I've been with my dh for 14 yrs, married 11 and have 2 boys aged 9 and 5. He is a wonderful husband and father and husband who works incredibly hard and on paper we have a lovely house and a perfect life. It's just that I feel so alone and am crying as I write this as I'm just unhappy. Over the last few months I have become infatuated with a younger man who is a good friend but I categoricaly know I will not do anything about. I'm not sure what came first, being unhappy or feeling for him. I have had a drunken discussion with him aout it this week and we are both in complete agreement that nothing could come of it because of my life and his and I think that's made me feel worse. I know I can't and won't throw away my life for every reason I can think of, but I just feel so low about a lifetime of marriage, boredom, not finding dh attractive anymore and knowing that after I put my kids, the dog and my dh first, there is barely ever anything left for me. I feel like i'm having a mid life crisis and that everybody totally takes me for granted. How do I pick myself up again and stay positive and all this with 8 weeks of holidayless school holidays looming? I just feel so alone despite being surrounded by people. sad

boogiewoogie Wed 06-Jul-11 20:43:41

Sorry to hear this QPRD. I'm not sure what advice to give other than keep this younger man at arm's length whilst you sort yourself out. Do you have any close friends who you can talk to about this? Does your DH know how you feel?

Bumping this for you.

RufousBartleby Wed 06-Jul-11 20:55:19

The young man is a diversion from everything else. A fantasy to distract yourself with. You don't need me to tell you that it is not real. I would bet that the being unhappy came before the feelings for the young man, otherwise you would not have been susceptible.

Life is often mundane and you have hit a rut. It is hard when you are in this frame of mind, but you really need something to energise yourself with. Your kids are old enough for you to take some time for you, you need a hobby or an interest that is distinct from being a wife and a mother. You don't mention a job - do you have one? Now might be the time to get one or retrain in something that interests you. Time to do something for yourself not just everyone else.

Lizzabadger Wed 06-Jul-11 20:58:14

It sounds like you have rather lost your identity. Can you start doing some things that are just for you? Hobbies, classes, volunteering, work, exercise?

Do you have fun together as a couple and a family or is it all drudgery and routine?

What would have to change for you to find your husband attractive again?

I second the advice to stay away from the younger man.

BeforeAndAfter Wed 06-Jul-11 21:21:48

Having experienced a disinterested husband who went off and spiced up his life which resulted in something that was once so wonderful becoming irreparable I would really urge you to speak to your DH and tell him how you feel. He does sound lovely and I am sure that, like me with my DH, he would far rather you broach a difficult subject with him now where you can work together to recapture what's faded due to the usual stresses and strains of RL before one of you spices things up elsewhere. And you musn't just recapture it but you need to figure out how to keep it going. I'm sorry but I don't know how you would do that but I do so wish my H had given me the chance to find out. After 14 years the whole heady, lusty, chemistry of the early days doesn't happen naturally and needs work. I have found a lot of good advice in Andrew G Marshall's books on infidelity and I think he has a couple of books on building great marriages and keeping them great, so maybe take a look at his website and see if that points you in the right direction. http://www.andrewgmarshall.com/

Lizza's got some great ideas there too. Good luck and I agree you should stay strong and resist the younger man hard though that may be.

QPRD Sun 10-Jul-11 12:59:55

Thank you all so much. I'm really struggling to cope but had a big talk with dh (obviously didn't mention feelings for someone else) but told him how down I am and that we have to change things and I need more time for me. Went for a run on my own yesterday - first time for ages and it definitely helped a bit. I just have to find the strength to keep going and come out the other side. I have spoken to 2 close friends and that has helped a bit. I am so grateful for your posts. I do feel unbelievably alone and they really help.

TheThrill Sun 10-Jul-11 21:56:23

There is a lot of good advice here. I've been where you are, and I would urge you not to go for the other man! You can work this out and come out smiling. PM if you want to talk more x

QPRD Sun 10-Jul-11 22:12:10

The Thrill please talk to me, I'm really sinking fast with this and am becoming completely fixated on other man. Since my 1st post have discovered he has feelings too however we have talked and agreed there is absolutely no way there is any possible future for us - too much to lose but I am totally unable to clear my head. I have cried all weekend, been running twice to try and clear head and just feel awful. Help, please tell me what you went through. I don't know how to get through and am so unhappy.sad

QPRD Sun 10-Jul-11 22:25:33

TheThrill I have PM d you too - only just worked it out

Lizzabadger Mon 11-Jul-11 07:16:37

How about thinking through and clearly picturing the consequences for your children and husband if you were to have an affair with the young man. The sadness and hurt on their faces may help put you off.

Honestly, an affair is very likely to make everything much, much worse. It's an escapist fantasy but the reality is likely to be horrible in the end.

halohasslipped Mon 11-Jul-11 08:09:00

I did something similar and had an emotional affair. There was fall out and i tried to leave my husband but it was very complicated and DH wanted me to stay and persuaded me to. My feelings for my DH haven't changed but they definitely changed for the other man, he really isn't on my radar any more. However, i don't love my husband, but i do like him. I loathe anything in the bedroom andd have to be very drunk to let him touch me but that was my devil's pact. I have no way of supporting myself if i leave and we have 3 kids and would have to live in a different country. He's an excellent father so i couldn't do that to him.

Try counselling with your DH. I had been unhappy before i met someone, yours could just be that you met someone and became unhappy. That can be fixed.

QPRD Mon 11-Jul-11 17:33:10

I don't want to face counselling because that would mean admitting what I feel for other man and if DH knew about that it would be over immediately. What is worrying me is thinking that in many ways I haven't been happy for ages, but I just can't be sure which way round it is. Have just been out with kids for the day, had a lovely day but find tears pouring down my face as I was driving. I am just in pieces and every hour feels like a day. I can't bear DH to come near me. I feel like the worst human being but the thought of other man is like a drug. I guess there is just no answer. I just have to keep trying to be strong. You are all so sweet to talk to me. That makes me want to cry more!

JamieAgain Mon 11-Jul-11 17:53:08

I think that perhaps you are depressed and you need to face up to that and sort it out - I'm not necessarily talking medication (although that might be part of it). Do you work, or do voluntary work?

QPRD Mon 11-Jul-11 18:50:34

I think I may be depressed. Thinking of doing voluntary work when kids go back to school in September. Am contemplating going to GP to discuss pros and cons of medication. My behaviour is definitely erratic and I'm going from high to low a lot.

JamieAgain Mon 11-Jul-11 18:55:41

I think a voluntary job would be a great idea (done it myself and it worked wonders for my self-esteem and put me on a path to face what I was going to do with the rest of my life). Their may be problems in your relationship, I couldn't say. What I do know is that when you feel lost and bad about yourself and your future the excitennet of someone new fancying you can give you the lift that you need to be giving yourself.

do-it.org.uk is a great website for finding all sorts of volunteer work

JamieAgain Mon 11-Jul-11 18:56:16

there not their

JamieAgain Mon 11-Jul-11 18:57:28

And keep well away from this man. You are already deceiving your DH

UnhappyLizzie Mon 11-Jul-11 19:25:43

QPRD, you could be me. Together 14 years, married 11, two lovely children.

Like halohasslipped, I had an EA. Unlike her (and her life sounds very like mine too) I am going to get out.

I wish I hadn't had the EA. Was it a symptom or a cause of the marriage problems? It's hard to know when you are in it, but in retrospect it was neither. Things weren't right but it was actually rather than a symptom or a cause of this, a distraction that made it easier to ignore the marriage problems. I had my heart comprehensively broken and wish I had never met OM. Only the kids stopped me killing myself, he hurt me really badly, and I was broken by my bad marriage anyway, though OM didn't know this.

All I will say is, listen to the people on here. When you are unhappy, an OM is an intoxicating escape. It will end in tears any which way. OM may break your heart, and your marriage is still screwed, you are back to square one but with a broken heart. Even if OM was a long term prospect, your marriage break up would be seen as due to him and you would be the wicked witch. Don' t put yourself in that position.

OM muddies the waters. Cut him out of the equation and think about what you really want with respect to your marriage.

Trust me, I know how hard it is, and how very very long it takes to make a break, how much you try to avert it, how terrifying it is. I've only just decided, I am going to my parents the day after tomorrow and they are going to help me see a way through, because dh will not do this without fighting tooth and nail.

Feel for you and wish you luck sorting all this out. You are not alone smile

Moodswings Mon 11-Jul-11 20:26:30

Some fabulous advice on here for you. Mirrors what I said wink x

QPRD Mon 11-Jul-11 20:40:10

This board is so restoring my faith in humanity. jamieagain thank you for website - will def start there. Unhappylizzie you are completely right and if I can stay strong and listen to my head, I will follow every word of your advice. OM has been texting me tonight. So hard to ignore. intoxicating is absolutely the word. I feel like I am going through an out of body experience where I can see this idiot (me) getting sucked in by weakness and just trying to tell her to stop. I shall read this advice over and over. My DH is home and I am going to try so hard to see the good in it tonight. To all those of you who gave in to the OM, do you think anything could have stopped you? (other than hindsight)

halohasslipped Wed 13-Jul-11 14:49:45

It is extremely hard not to give in. I gave in to the odd kiss here. I know everyone says to not do anything until you have sorted out your marriage either way BUT there are three possibilities. Staying with DH, being with OM or being by yourself. To me, mainly for the heartbreak of my family i could not do it just to be by myself, i wasn't strong enough. I needed someone by my side who made it worth it. That makes me sound hideous but I know that i'm not, just realistic. Oh, there's a fourth option : taking a chance on the OM and them not wanting to stay with you. THAT would piss me right off!!

I can cope (for the moment) with not loving my husband as we have small children and everything i read told me that the first 5 years of their lives, if you can stay together do, as that is the most important time in their emotional development.

Ask the OM for 6 months? Tell him to ignore you for that time while you sort your life out either way.

UnhappyLizzie Wed 13-Jul-11 17:32:56

halohasslipped, you are very honest in admitting you couldn't leave you dh without having someone else. It is really hard. In retrospect I realise that my OM was at least partly an escape.

I think I would have fallen in love with him any time in my life, but the reason my heart was broken so badly (apart from his shit behaviour which is a very long story) was that I thought he might rescue me from my unhappy situation.

It's more than two years on and I have asked for a separation. I fear I will back down, I have done this before, many times. Dh is not compliant. I am in this place having got to a point where OM is no longer an issue to muddy the waters. What's relevant is that my relationship with dh has broken down and it can't be fixed.

It's really sad and I feel terrible, but I am glad that OM is not a factor - if I can go through with this it will be 'clean'.

halohasslipped Thu 14-Jul-11 19:00:52

UnhappyLizzie.

If you've got this far, see it through. You are at the point of no return, you can do it. Now, also you won't wear any stigma of having a OM.

QPRD Fri 15-Jul-11 00:12:46

I've just had another crap day. Have no desire to leave dh at all. OM and I texting. I know it's not good. He's away for next 3 weeks - will not be able to contact each other. Is what I need. I just feel scared and lonely and very panicked. I think I have fallen for the feelings I have for OM rather than the man himself. I feel if I could get him out of my system (by seeing him) I might get a grip. I'm deceiving myself aren't I. I read what you say but just feel I have no strength to resist. So depressed. I feel if he really wasn't around I can stay with dh, just the way OM make me feel has reawakened a side of me I had long forgotten about and now am unable to bury. How are you coping unhappylizzie? It sounds like you are so doing the right thing.

QPRD Fri 15-Jul-11 00:18:20

Halohasslipped I just don't have the strength to ask for 6 months - I don't think either of us plans to tear apart our lives, just want each other and have no real idea what the hell to do without seeing each other. I guess it comes down to a friendship filled with the most powerful lust I can imagine. God I am an awful person. Can't believe I'm even saying this. I sound like I've given in don't I. Hideous.

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