Ladies, I need your help because I'm really on the brink here, but I'm so isolated I don't really have anyone to ask for advice.
I've been married for 7 yrs and have a child. I have a husband who's generally a good guy and a good 'provider'. We have a nice house. I work part time from home. From the outside it seems like I have a perfect life. On the inside though it seems very far from perfect. The problem is this. I find my DH very controlling. He's a perfectionist and seems to spend a great deal of time moaning. If things don't go exactly as planned or get done immediately, he just moans and whines. He is always negative about stuff and I feel he holds me back. I feel that I'm subtly controlled by him. e.g. one of the biggest problems for me is that I feel housebound by childcare - as he's out at work, he often just nips out for a drink with colleagues or whatever whenever he feels like it and that's fine. But if I want to go out in the evening, I have to book it in advance and write it on the calendar and it's a great palaver, with him having to make great efforts to get home in time etc. It becomes so torturous that I've just stopped going out. I know this sounds like I'm a massive wimp, but I just feel ground down after years of this. And now no-one asks me to social stuff because I can never go. I've looked for babysitters locally, and did have one, but she's now working in the evenings. As I write this I'm beginning to think I really am pathetic.
The other thing that has ground me down is the moaning, the constant moaning if the house isn't spotless or the washing up not done. The huge issue if the shirt he wants to wear isn't ironed. And then if he's had a rotten day at work, he'll come home and be totally stony faced and icey like it's all my fault some how. And if I complain about any of this, he just says it's because he had a bad day or whatever and I shouldn't take it to heart. And he usually apologises later. But the thing is, I just don't think I can take it any more. Because every time he's moany and nagging it's like another nail in the coffin. And he thinks he can sort of 'pull the nail out' by apologising, but the nail may be out but it's left a hole iyswim.
Last weekend I went to my dad's for a party. For the first time in many years I suddenly remembered who I was before I got married. I was surrounded by my siblings and new people who thought I was great fun, funny, attractive, clever. I just felt like the person that I used to be. It was like waking up from a spell that I'd been under for years, that had seen my life reduced to nothing more than a very long "to do" list, where I was the far from perfect wife.
And then I thought, No, I just cannot live with this situation any more.
I had a bit of a crisis then. I found a river, stripped off and went swimming, (there was no-one around!) in the hope that the shock of cold water would turn me back to my normal wife self so I wouldn't have any more disturbing thoughts about the state of my marriage. But it didn't work. Then I thought when I got home, my DH would be loving and kind and I'd remember why we were together. But when he got back from work after not seeing me for 4 days, he was cold and icey because he'd had a bad day and the trains had broken down. I could understand that, but I felt really this was my subtle punishment for having been away for the weekend - which I haven't done since before my DS was born 6 yrs ago. At that moment, I just felt it all end. I've been frosty to him since then. Now I've told him on the phone that I'm having a crisis because our relationship has no joy in it and that on my death bed I'll just have wished that I could have laughed more and enjoyed my days, because for years my days have just been filled with boredom, toil and duty. He says he thinks its the end. He might be right.
My hands are shaking as i write, because I think I've pulled my "perfect" world apart and this will be miserable for my poor ds who adores his dad. So have I gone mad? Please help.
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Have I gone completely mad? Please help
19 replies
raggybaggy · 06/07/2011 12:19
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