Sex question

[Oldflamesprobs]

Met an old flame again a few weeks back- been in touch and both of us are now on our own but live a long way from each other. In touch but taking it slowly. Known each other years and years but went our separate ways for 20 years.

Anyway, we did have sex but it was odd. He had a bit of willy wilt due to condoms- bit awkward fumbling etc. But it seemed more than that. Seemed to take a while for him to get it back IYSWIM.

We made light of it and it was okay. But in a phone chat a few days ago, he said that my behaviour had put him off his stroke. He doesn't like me saying what I like. This horrifies me in away and he's really not that sort of macho/selfish guy. He tried to explain that his erections are linked to what is going on in his head ( these are almost his exact words) and that he likes to "fantasise" or just enjoy what is going on- without me talking. I didn't say much- just bit more gentle here, up a bit there- during foreplay. He said he'd get to know what I liked by my reactions but didn't like me talking all the time so much at the start as it undermined his confidence, and he'd like a bit of praise. I am really shocked as most men don't mind a bit of instruction.

Is he a bit wobbly in the bed dept do you think, or was he just nervous and found my talking undermining?

[Malificence]

God how awful, it sounds like he had this fantasy scenario of you in his head and you somehow spoilt it by being a real person. If you can't be yourself during sex, what's the point?
I wouldn't be having sex with him again if I were you, he has issues.

[PhilipJFry]

I would say he's a bit wobbly. It sounds like that when he has sex he's getting off by fantasising and not by what he and his partner share together. I mean, I'm sure we all fantasise during sex now and again but when it's happening on the FIRST time it just seems a bit odd.

[keynesian]

There's a difference between instruction and guiding... You were maybe doing the latter and he heard the former.

First time sex is often not the 'perfect' coupling wanted and if you've both been used to a particular 'routine' then being confronted with a scenario unfamiliar may well have unnerved him!

It's not what happened that matters now, it's how you both respond. Eg. is he willing to listen to you and can you communicate without one of you dictating how it should be?

[MooMooFarm]

I would be very wary of getting involved with this man. He sounds as if he has issues....

I wonder if maybe he has problems with getting it up and now feels embarrassed and wants to make it look like it was your fault & not his.

[Oldflamesprobs]

It's weird isn't it? He has at times spoken about sex being all about giving your partner pleasure and communicating so this was a shock. His precise words were I was "demanding". At the time it was okay , I thought, as we laughed beforehand and he was worried that he might not be able to manage it, as he was wanting it to work so much, and that most first times are rubbish. It wasn't our first time, but there has been a very long gap! keynsian your post seems to fit with what I thought. Good point about difference between instruction and guiding- in fact I think he said to me that he didn't "need" instructions. He's come out of marriage where his wife was very passive in bed- he didn't like that either. It is worrying me a bit because I feel now I will have to lie there and shut up...

[MooMooFarm]

Gawd Old do you really like him enough to try and sort out his sex issues for him? Why the hell shouldn't you say what you like/want?

I know sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it's pretty important IMO. Do you really want to have to 'lie there and shut up'

[SingOut]

this sounds way too much like hard work! You shouldn't be worrying or analyzing what he says at this point, but just enjoying some amazing 'catching up for lost time' sex. If things aren't great between you, for goodness sake don't rationalize your way out of it or try to 'understand' him. Perhaps it's just not going to be any good because he'd a bit of a git? He said you were 'demanding' in bed for mentioning what you did and didn't like between the sheets? He'd be gone, if I were in your situation.

[thesunshinesbrightly]

Eeeew he doesn't sound the slightest bit attractive infact it gave me the shivers reading that. Sounds like he has issues and he wants you too lie there its all about him.

[ShirleyKnot]

"Is he a bit wobbly in the bed dept do you think, or was he just nervous and found my talking undermining?"

I think he's a bit wobbly in the brains department and if I were you I would tell him, in a not undermining way, exactly how he can go fuck himself.

Beware.

[SingOut]

And, surely this of all situations on MN is one where the excellent "Ticket to the far side of fuck" line could be wonderfully employed?
I think you can probably do a lot better than this bloke, OP.

[Oldflamesprobs]

Am trying to be charitable because we used to have okay-ish sex years back but we were v young- early 20s, and I wasn't able to say what I wanted etc- very inexperienced. Then, he was always keen to please and not at all selfish. But I still think it's odd that he wants to feel his way rather than listen to me. Maybe one more chance and then see.

[ShirleyKnot]

Why bother? The blamiong of his lack of stiffy on you expressing your needs is a flag so large and red that it might as well be emblazoned on the side of a bus.

[Horsemad]

I think it's a bit odd how he didn't like his wife being 'passive' during sex and he doesn't like you saying what you want when you have sex! What exactly DOES he want?!

I'd probably try a few more times, but if it doesn't improve then I'd get rid.

[noir]

"wobbly in the brains department" haha spot on.

[fridascruffs]

i used to have a partner that said irritating things- like 'just relax your body' which was distracting and put me off. i never told him to STFU but i was wishing he would. Then again, he was pretty crap at most things in bed really, apart from a skilled tongue. i don't like giving instruction and would prefer they figure out what i like from my reactions. It does sound a bit crap that he seems to be blaming you though.

[SingOut]

Sounds like he liked you back then BECAUSE you didn't feel able to say what you wanted/liked in bed. Now that you've found your confidence and poise he doesn't like it. Next!

[SingOut]

Oh yes, and I once shagged a bloke who would give odd commands, tell me to relax, to 'just be' (hippy) and so on. We just had different styles of lovemaking, but I resented him imposing his on me, iyswim. But if he'd said 'I prefer it when you move your hand a little to the left' or 'down a bit, yep, that's perfect' I'd not have minded in the slightest. It's helpful to get feedback.

Someone effectively telling me to shut up because they will magically deduce from my body whether I am enjoying things would make we want to sit up in bed and slap them, shouting 'I'm telling you verbally you're crap in bed! How much clearer do you need?'.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

I hate men telling me what to do verbally - even gently. I don't know why, it just really puts me off. I don't think I have issues, though.

[Oldflamesprobs]

I can only think that he found the "instructions" a criticism, rather than trying to help us both.

Maybe it was because it was the first time. He seemed to be implying that he wanted to get carried away with the passion and I was slowing it or him down by doing my Golden Shot bit- right a bit, left a bit etc.

We'll see. In many ways he's a nice guy and I'll keep an open mind for a bit. I'm sure the next time will make it clear one way ot the other.

[Oldflamesprobs]

Thinking on it- if the boot was on the other foot and the moment I had started touching him, he had started saying- no not like that, like this....I think I would have felt put off. It's hard to have a conversation about things like this by phone- so until we meet again- if we do- I guess I'll have to see the flags but give him the benefit of the doubt this once.

[Sariah]

I would be put of by someone telling me what to do. First time sex shouldnt be perfect. It takes time to get to know what someone likes. I am with dh 12 years and we are still finding out things that the other likes. I would prefer someone take the time and interest to experiment and find out what I like by touch and intuition. If he was still off after a few months then I might start guiding his hand or trying to introduce new things into the relationship. Most people are nervous at first and I can see who he would have found you directing him off putting, especially if he is sensitive.

[GothAnneGeddes]

He sounds odd. There is expressing prefrences and blaming people. I'd get rid.

[TheFarSideOfFuck]

ta-daaaa

he sounds a bit inadequate to me

wife too passive, you too "demanding" ?

what does he want ?

he seems to want everything his own way, and then blames his soft willy on you

that is shit

< hands over ticket >

[Gay40]

I love a bit of instruction. (But I am not a man). People do not magically know what the other person likes. Yes, you can sort of figure it out from reactions, but even so.
He sounds like a weirdy fuckwit.

[Monty27]

It would put me off (I am a female).

We all have our likes and dislikes, detailed instruction on the job is a dislike for me.