Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Complicated Sex/Regret issues(16 Posts)
Sorry about the title - I had no idea how to phrase this. This might be long sorry!
Basically, my younger brother has come to me for advice regarding his girl friend and I have no idea what to say or suggest to help.
He is 20, she is 19, they have been together 2 years and have both been with one other person prior to getting together. It has always been a bit of a stressful relationship. She, imo, is very immature. Things always have to be done on her terms. She's very quick to go in a huff about things and stop talking to him. She swings from only wanting to see him at weekends to being upset they aren't seeing each other more. She's hard work, doesn't get on with the family due to her open spoiltness (other members refer to her as the princess)
My brother is besotted with her. Will do eveything to keep her happy and has been a mess whenever she's suggested a break. This is why we all tolerate her at family gatherings etc.
But yesterday when visiting my mum he was visibly upset so I talked to him alone and he is says they are having sex issues. Basically, when they have sex she immediately gets moody / down and won't talk to him or look at him. He asks why and eventually she'll say she didn't want it, he pushed her to do, it's all he wants her for etc.
Now she 'allows' sex only once a week. He said she's said this before and he felt awful, like he'd raped her despite her never once saying no in the lead up or during the sex. So know he asks 'is this ok, do you want to' etc etc as he needs to feel sure before he can relax into it. But now she's still saying this to him despite saying yes to his questions and responding throughout. He says she never just lies there. She is taking an active part.
He's so confused. He's upset at her feeling this way and is questioning if he's been too pushy. He said he's tried to keep sex out of the relationship for a while but she'll lay in bed naked and start kissing him so it leads there. It seems to him she wants it but then the accusations start.
My first thought was that she may have been abused. She denies this. I just don't know what to suggest to him. I don't get it. The problem is, everything is such a drama with her I feel this is just another way to manipulate him.
What can I tell him? Why would she be doing this?
Could be anything. She may have had a traumatic experience in the past that she doesn't want to talk about, there may be some element to the sex that she doesn't enjoy and makes her feel bad but can't articulate it, she may just be a bit of a drama queen and has to ramp up the tension in certain situations.
If it were my brother or friend I would advise that he stops having sex with her, and if she's naked and kissing him he'll just have to think with his brain and not his balls - she makes him feel like he's raped her fgs, he needs to remember that every time he feels like a shag. It's not like he doesn't know what he's getting into each time.
Sounds a crap relationship and hopefully he can get some backbone and end
it for both their sakes cos it's doesn't sound very enjoyable.
I know JV - I keep telling him that a relationship should not be this much work, especially when you're only 20!
I think he is resolved to not have sex with her, it's not worth the feelings he gets afterwards but he keeps thinking it's ok because she's so into at the time. But yes, brain before balls in the future.
Poor lovesick boy
I get what you're saying BestNameEver.
Do you think she just did a good job of pretending to be sexually mature for the first 18 months then?
It sounds to me like she has found another way of controlling him/pulling his strings. She obviously likes being feeling she is powerful and manipulating his feelings - she does it in lots of other situations too as you have described. It is another situation where he now has to tiptoe around her and put lots of effort into making her feel happy.
A loving relationship doesn't look like this. Someone who truly loved him would value him more rather than making his life difficult and getting him to jump through hoops to keep her happy.
There may well be reasons behind her behaviour, but they will be the same ones that have been there from the start as the behaviour is in many ways the same pattern (i.e. you have offended me, you had no way of knowing that what you did would be offensive because my behaviour is not logical or fair but I am REALLY offended and you now have to make nice for ages while I huff).
I genuinely feel like he is on a losing streak with this girl, she is making him feel bad about himself and he needs to leave her.
He should run a mile - she sounds as if she has issues, and he shouldn't be made to feel that they are somehow his responsibility
I've told him these things. But I guess when you're young and in love....
It's just a worry. I'm concerned at how far she'll take this to be honest. What if she tells her family / friends he's basically forcing her to have sex?
He needs to run a mile.
I know. But how do I make him see sense? He just won't entertain the idea. He has little confidence in himself. It's a shame. He's a great lad
You can't "make him" see sense. The horrible thing about this is he will have to learn for himself and by everything you have said, it will probably be by learning the hard way.
When someone wants to give everything to their partner, they are likely to get treated fairly badly by some of their partners down the line, before they find the right partner. It will probably be horrible to watch but he will have to learn for himself.
The only thing you can do is to be involved in helping him grow his self esteem, because that will be the main thing that will give him the strength to see through what is happening. He'll probably end up giving a bit less in his next relationship, but that's probably no bad thing. It's part of growing up.
Often the more you push someone to do something, the more they will push back. One of the best things my parents did was to let us make our own mistakes, and particularly in relationships, yet still be there to support us. My siblings and I learnt the hard way and whilst it crushed us at the relevant times, we were stronger for it and it made it easier for us to ditch the wasters and hold on to the winners.
Can't help at all except that you should warn him he should on no account get this mad, manipulating fucking bitch pregnant.
Perhaps you might like to suggest that if he ever does anything to piss her off she sounds as if she has to potential to accuse him of rape and get the police involved. He really should be very careful.
Her mum has made her have the implant fitted - the thought of them having a babies sends chills down my spine.
I think I will voice my fears over the allegations. I will try and talk to him again at the weekend if he gets 5 minutes free of her.
I really did just think she was a spoilt madam until he told me this. Now I feel it goes much deeper then this.
She sounds evil and controlling, and people like that do not IME get better over time. They get worse, because they are getting away with their shit and thus getting to used to laying it on people.
She has a personality disease and while there may be a cure, there may not, it may be a condition.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.