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Complicated Sex/Regret issues(9 Posts)
Sorry about the title - I had no idea how to phrase this. This might be long sorry!
Basically, my younger brother has come to me for advice regarding his girl friend and I have no idea what to say or suggest to help.
He is 20, she is 19, they have been together 2 years and have both been with one other person prior to getting together. It has always been a bit of a stressful relationship. She, imo, is very immature. Things always have to be done on her terms. She's very quick to go in a huff about things and stop talking to him. She swings from only wanting to see him at weekends to being upset they aren't seeing each other more. She's hard work, doesn't get on with the family due to her open spoiltness (other members refer to her as the princess)
My brother is besotted with her. Will do eveything to keep her happy and has been a mess whenever she's suggested a break. This is why we all tolerate her at family gatherings etc.
But yesterday when visiting my mum he was visibly upset so I talked to him alone and he is says they are having sex issues. Basically, when they have sex she immediately gets moody / down and won't talk to him or look at him. He asks why and eventually she'll say she didn't want it, he pushed her to do, it's all he wants her for etc.
Now she 'allows' sex only once a week. He said she's said this before and he felt awful, like he'd raped her despite her never once saying no in the lead up or during the sex. So know he asks 'is this ok, do you want to' etc etc as he needs to feel sure before he can relax into it. But now she's still saying this to him despite saying yes to his questions and responding throughout. He says she never just lies there. She is taking an active part.
He's so confused. He's upset at her feeling this way and is questioning if he's been too pushy. He said he's tried to keep sex out of the relationship for a while but she'll lay in bed naked and start kissing him so it leads there. It seems to him she wants it but then the accusations start.
My first thought was that she may have been abused. She denies this. I just don't know what to suggest to him. I don't get it. The problem is, everything is such a drama with her I feel this is just another way to manipulate him.
What can I tell him? Why would she be doing this?
It might be a control thing....issue.
Is she playing games with him and his emotions.?
. . . sounds a bit like it. If she is immature then she probably doesnt quite know what to feel and has mixed feelings about letting him have sex with her and then wondering if she should have done so. She also knows full well how to manipulate your brother and keep him wrapped around her little finger. Perhaps he needs to stand up to her sometimes and not let her walk all over him with her moods. He should stop trying to keep her happy, because it doesnt matter what he does, she will find a way to make out that he has done something wrong. He must be more assertive with her, and stop acting like a doormat.. Your brother sounds like a nice guy and she is taking advantage of that.
Maybe some councelling might help them.
If it were me I would tell him just to be her friend for a while as it sounds like she has some kind of issues, and being in a relationship with her is only going to complicate matters. If he cares about her, he can support her as a friend and try to encourage her to deal with her issues, without them impacting so personally on him.
If she definately hasn't been abused she seems to be using sex as a form of control, this would tie in with her being immature and spoilt. Im sure if he examines his situation further he'll see she behaves this way in other aspects of their relationship too. He has two options, he either rides it out for a couple of years whilst she matures (but is potentially lining himself up for a rape allegation if they fall out), or he ends the relationship.
Just adding to a question to what the others have said; did she grow up in a religious environment? Often leads to issues with sex and shame. At any rate it does sound to me like the girl needs to sort herself out on her own, i.e. without a relationship.
I think that your brother should end this relationship. It seems to me this girl has issues she needs to deal with, and as said above, if he continues to have a (sexual) relationship she might make an allegation of sexual assault or rape against your brother.
Relationships should (especially at their age) should be fun and uncomplicated this sounds like a whole lot of hassle.
On the 1 hand I agree with payne but on the other 8 think if he loves her and wants to be with her he ought to tell her how she is making him feel. He should suggest that, while he is more than happy to keep sex out of the equation for a while, they should seek some help together. A gp? Or even relate.
I know they are young but I know when I was that age if (actually when, but thats another story) I was told to get out of a bad relationship I would fight against it and feel unable to confide in others.
She could either be very insecure and is trying to get some control back for herself or she could love messing with his head and likes him being under the thumb. She could be building up to more trouble.
My thoughts have always been to let people follow their own heart but I feel she is not good for him at all and he could do with a long break from her.
hanks for the replies - I somehow created 2 threads the same ad didn't see this one so I've been answering on the other.
I agree with what's been said - I fel she needs to deal with these issues and to be honest, I'd e more willing to help if she was more approachable.
I really think he needs to end it but he's not open to this suggestion at all.
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