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He's gone and I feel dead

(58 Posts)
Gotitwrong Tue 05-Jul-11 13:48:50

posted before......now he has packed his bags and gone and I feel dead. I feel exhausted. Feel terrible for the kids and feel sorry for husband but he needed to go, to give me space as I feel like I am going mad!
Just read the Lundy Bancroft book......how could I have not seen what he is ? Been together nearly 30 years since I was 16.......he has always been hard work but really came into his own after dc 3.
Reached breaking point. Sick of being told what a crap wife I am. Sick of being constantly put down and criticised. Sick of being told I am an adopted cripple. Sick of him constantly calling me names and still wanting sex. Sick of him being physically agressive but you know what makes it worse?
Denial....he has not said these things. He has not physically hurt me. He has not sexually mistreated me. I am mad, it's all in my head. He's the victim in this . All he ever wanted was love!!!!!
All I want is some peace for me and my poor children. I must get it. I must be strong!

You can be strong. Just keep it front and centre in. Your mind why you wanted him to leave. You can be happier without him. But this first bit is hard, so keep it together x

Mumfun Tue 05-Jul-11 13:53:05

Get some support for yourself -in real life if possible. If not stay on here smile

TheFarSideOfFuck Tue 05-Jul-11 13:54:21

You will feel dead at first

But soon, very soon, you will feel yourself coming back to life, back to the person you were before he systematically tried to knock it out of you

Congratulations

This is the first day of freedom. Now that massive dead weight has been lifted from your shoulders, you can get on with the rest of your life without someone trying to drag you down to his level.

Gotitwrong Tue 05-Jul-11 14:03:12

Thank you. So ashamed. No-one in RL knows what has been going on. I have been too ashamed to talk about it. 30 years is a long time and I feel so sad. Don't know what I could have done to stop it getting this bad. I've got no idea what to do or say to anyone. Don't want to slag him off so must expect everyone will blame me.
Feel so sad for the kids as been an awful couple of years. What have I done to them?
You know what though....they didn't even cry when he left!
Wish they were here now as I so want to cuddle them.

TheFarSideOfFuck Tue 05-Jul-11 14:09:57

You have no reason to feel ashamed. The shame is his.

You really should talk to someone in RL. You would be surprised how sympathetic people can be. Enduring abuse within a marriage is unfortunately rather common, society hardwires women to stay and stick at it, usually to the detriment of their own physical and mental health.

Are your children at school ? They will be home soon. Plan something nice this evening. A picnic in the lounge ? Do something that H used to disapprove of. Get your wellies on and have a walk in the rain (it is raining here). Put music on loud and dance.

Have you a close friend you could call for a chat ? A trusted family member ?

thumbwitch Tue 05-Jul-11 14:12:40

Why have you called yourself GotItWrong? Sounds to me like you GotItRight at last. Good for you.

Sorry it feels like shit for now but as time goes by and the initial shock wears off you will feel tons lighter and more free. It will be wonderful!

How old are your DC?

thumbwitch Tue 05-Jul-11 14:12:54

Why have you called yourself GotItWrong? Sounds to me like you GotItRight at last. Good for you.

Sorry it feels like shit for now but as time goes by and the initial shock wears off you will feel tons lighter and more free. It will be wonderful!

How old are your DC?

SingOut Tue 05-Jul-11 14:13:55

Definitely tell someone - or more than one person - what has been going on, so you can get some much needed support and hugs.

I felt dead for a bit too. The moment you surprise yourself and begin to wake up will be a marvelous one, its really amazing. Like christmas and birthdays rolled into one - when you realize the incessant 'noise' of their abuse has stopped and you can do whatever you like. Fantastic!
I wish you the best of luck, and stay strong. You will handle this, and you will be just fine. smile

thumbwitch Tue 05-Jul-11 14:16:03

Oops - sorry, having a few posting ishoos tonight blush

Anniegetyourgun Tue 05-Jul-11 14:19:50

He got hold of you when you were 16, you didn't stand a chance. How could you have known any better? You've seen it now and put a stop to it despite 30 years' conditioning; that's quite a feat. Be proud of yourself.

Gotitwrong Tue 05-Jul-11 22:33:56

Went last night but turned up this evening as I was putting little one to bed. She went running downstairs saying daddy your back we missed you..........feel sick.....not ready to see him.
He is in some b and b and obviously in 1 night away is already realizing what he has done. I don't mean recognize what he's done to me I mean he looked gutted! Gutted to be away from his home and his kids. I feel guilty. I went upstairs away after he asked me why I hadn't gone to work today and I said that I was just too upset after last night. He asked what I had done instead and I said stayed in......who with was his reply.......
Kids found it hard to see him tonight and keep asking if we have split up. I don't know what to say to them or anyone. Have I done the right thing?

fusspot66 Tue 05-Jul-11 22:41:02

No personal experience, but I remember your old posts. Keep up the good work. He's playing with you. You deserve a life.

piranhamorgana Tue 05-Jul-11 22:50:45

Yes,you have absolutely done the right thing.So sorry you have experienced such abuse.Well done for ending it.
Of course he's gutted,he's lost all his home comforts,including where to direct all his abuse.
"who with..?" that remark says it all.He has always regarded you as his property and still does.

Annie is right,you didn't stand a chance at 16 and after 30 years of conditioning,you need to expect this to take a long time.It will hurt,but when you come unstuck,you will find it unbelievable that you ever put up with him.

Please get some RL support asap,and some legal advice.You need as much distance and as little contact with him as possible.

Stay proud and strong and keep posting

TheFarSideOfFuck Tue 05-Jul-11 22:54:30

"who with? " hmm

that's some projection going on, right there

don't rise to it

I suggest you nip him coming and going as he pleases in the bud

You are entitled to some privacy. He should ask if it is ok to visit, and make sure it is convenient for you/the kids before he saunters in and starts the mindfucking shenanigans

MittzyTheVixen Tue 05-Jul-11 23:01:14

I just want to offer my sympathy and support.... keep on posting here and although it feels like it will not get better, it does and you, like anyone else deserve better for you and for your children.

Them missing Daddy, however crap he has been, is completely normal although can be hard emotionally. Kids generally love their parents however misguided they have been.

NOBODY deserves to be made as low and lacking in self esteem as you sound, so please, hold onto the thought that however hard, each day is a step forward to a quieter calmer life.
It is not unusual, I don't think to grieve for a relationship even if it was bad, it is all part of the process. Take care and don't give up. Someone is here nearly all the time x

pickgo Tue 05-Jul-11 23:26:00

You are so very definitely doing the right thing for your children. You have lived up to the parental responsibility you have and taken the adult decision as their mother that this is the right decision for them as well as yourself - and you are so totally right. Well done!

As for what to say to them - I'd just try to be as honest as you can but obviously water it down to be age appropriate. Let them lead you by their questions. Assure them it was nothing to do with anything they've done and definitely not their fault.

Can you get an agreement with H about contact for these first few weeks? If you can tell DCs exactly when to expect their Dad that should help them feel more in control and secure about things. Also do they have any close grandparents or other family? If you can tell them that you've split up and they can visit the DCs it might give the DCs an opportunity to talk with someone less involved who knows them well.

I did this 18 months ago now. Not a day has gone by since when my heart doesn't sing that I am free and at peace! It's taken a while for my DC to settle and 'unlearn' the crap that went on but this spring I've definitely noticed vast improvements as all the anger and horribleness has gradually faded away.

Keep posting, you're on the road now to a much better future for all of you and one day very soon you'll start to feel it!

HerHissyness Tue 05-Jul-11 23:32:37

Gotit Dear, dear dear OP. I was where you are today only a few months ago.

Oh how I remember the dreadful feeling of despair, but please, please, please, you know the truth, you know who he was, what he was doing.

He will of course deny it. My X still does. He will never 'get it' There is no point in discussing any of it with him, you may as well negotiate with a wall.

You have done a brilliant and brave thing, even though you can't feel it yet. So long as you get him to stay away and give you the space you need, no popping in when it suits HIM. No questions (your life is no longer his business) no info apart from the barest essentials. You will start to feel a little less sick, a little more free, and a little less fearful of that awful bone crushingly dreadful sound of his key going in the lock.

BTW, if you haven't got his keys back, do yourself a favour and get the locks changed. He won't respect boundaries. He won't respect you or your right to peace. Bugger the law, let him take you to court, change the locks for the time being.

My DS still misses Daddy. Gah, it kills me every time, but DS is no idiot, he'll work it all out.

MN is always here, whenever you need us, please lean, as hard and as often as you like.

We all want to see you free of this man, free to be yourself and to laugh out loud and be happy.

We have a support thread for those in Emotional abuse situations, come over and see us whenever? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1247062-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-2

One foot in front of the other, you'll make it. Now NO going back! This is it, your chance to be free, grab it with both hands. It really IS better away from these people.

Don't fall for any of his spiel, he will lie, cheat, do whatever he needs to to reel you back in. be ready, be prepared. Come tell us and we will try to give you coping strategies, or just keep you busy for a while!

You can and must do this. Well Done love!

ContraryMartha Wed 06-Jul-11 04:19:58

You can do this.

You get a fresh start. All those things he wouldnt allow you to do, all those things you put aside to keep him happy...

He is not your problem now. The trouble at the moment, is you have been programmed to keep him happy.
You are going to have to think about yourself. Take it one day at a time, doing one thing you enjoy each day.
It's learning to live again.
Without someone knocking you down.

I know it's hard, but the hardest part is over.
Time to focus on you and your children.

Be strong!

Gotitwrong Wed 06-Jul-11 06:19:57

Firstly thank you all so so much for your wise words. It is clear to see that so many of you have been through what I have been through and where I am now and I think you are all so brave to break free and your posts show me what life could be like on my own with my children BUT
Please don't think I am weak but I have lay awake most of the night thinking maybe it is me. Maybe I am to blame . Maybe I have the issues. Maybe I have made him like he is. Maybe i am too sensitive. Maybe I have neglected him - it is tough bringing up kids and working and running a home and I suppose I haven't always had much time to meet his needs.
Omg what have I done......

thumbwitch Wed 06-Jul-11 06:31:46

1. You cannot make him like he is. It is the way he is and chooses to be.
2. You are probably not perfect, no one is - but he chooses to blame you for everything, taking no responsibility and this results in you feeling miserable, unloved and permanently in the wrong. Are these the actions of someone who actually loves you? No.
3. You might have "neglected" him to bring up the kids - this is relatively normal and grown up men understand that kids come first. Juvenile selfish brats still think that they should come first. Guess which one he is...

STOP thinking about YOUR supposed faults and focus on HIS. THEY are the reason he has gone.
LOSE your fear - only good things will come from this, you will feel freer to be you.
What have you done? You have made a brave and sensible decision to get away from the soul-destruction of your marriage. Good for you! Now keep it up and stick to it, because by God if you let him back in now he will know he has you under his thumb forever. And things will become sooooo much worse.

piranhamorgana Wed 06-Jul-11 06:52:32

Gotit- Please listen and try to be very strong now.

Those thoughts and feelings are there as a result of the brainwashing effects of the control and abuse you have lived with for 30 years.

So many of us have experienced this terrible,scary time of fear and self doubt when starting to seperate from a relationship like the one you describe.

I was in your situation 18 months ago. At first,it seemed incredible,impossible to believe ,that what I had experienced was abuse. And I had wanted it all to work out.And no one else had any idea what xp was really like. Friends would actually encourage me to consider whether I had ,in fact, not "pushed him away" as I have always been seen as strong and independant.

I did try again ,several times. My posts are all on here if you search on my name.People here predicted what would happen,and they were all right every time. I was expecting our baby,and wanted it all to be different. It got so much worse once I started to break free.

Looking back ,having seen or heard nothing of him in over a year,and from the busy,chaotic life I have now as a Single parent of 5, I find it incredible that I put up with any of his behaviour. EVER.

Please hold out on this.Give yourself time. If you happened to be right, and you have made a mistake (which I do not for one minute suspect) then his thoughtful,reflective and self aware consideration of you in his efforts to give you the space you need ,will back this up.

Sorry,he is a nasty person who wants to control you.

Be strong,be strong,be strong.

HerHissyness Wed 06-Jul-11 10:23:56

You need to read the Lundy Bancroft book again OP. Thumbwitch says it clearly there.

Everyone who has done what you have done feels these feelings, everyone! Take a moment, re-read the book and listen to us.

You will feel better, and really, really soon. I Promise you!

smile

Gotitwrong Wed 06-Jul-11 14:27:41

Oh goodness me just got a text from H.....he says that by stepping away he can see how much hurt he's caused me. He says he is shocked at himself and very sorry. He thinks we need some space and time for reflection and to change and heal. He wants to rebuild our friendship!!!!
Feel sick again - he is obviously in pain too. I just feel too much has been said and done over too long a period for me to believe him. If I don't believe him I feel he will put pressure on me and I will become weak and give in.....please help me stay strong and in control.......sorry for boring you all but so need you to keep me strong please!!!!!!

thumbwitch Wed 06-Jul-11 14:39:37

OK - he's trying to charm you back. Have you replied? If not, don't.
If you think that he is genuine (really? It's taken him 2 days away after 30y of doing damage to you to work out that he's been a living shit to you? Guess he knew it all along, huh?) then tell him that he needs to go to counselling. Not you, him. Possibly couples counselling after he's been to his own.

DO NOT TELL HIM ABOUT LUNDY BANCROFT'S BOOK. That would be like handing over the battle plans for Waterloo.

Now - after not replying, wait. After the charm offensive fails, he will resort to nastiness - very nasty nastiness. Then there is the martyt option "you're so cruel, how can you do this to me after all I've done for you, does our marriage mean nothing to you" blahdeblah.

ACTIONS are what matters. These men will promise the earth and deliver shit if you believe them - genuine remorse will show in actions.

Hope that helps! STAY STRONG. You can do this. smile

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