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DH ex keep's contacting him... and it's verging on stalker behaviour....

(35 Posts)
Achange Tue 05-Jul-11 13:42:06

DH's ex gf (he met her in 1998 and last time he saw her was 2004) keeps contacting him and its getting worse.

They were each other's first proper relationship, they were together 6 years before she then moved back to her native country in Asia.

She has always contacted him since I have known him mainly through email, with quite bland messages he ignored.

But about 2 years ago she started to write she wanted to visit the UK again so they should meet and she would come and stay with him.

So DH decided to reply (as she still has his address at the time and we were worried she would just turn up) obviously he made it clear that was inappropiate. She sent increasingly angry and abusive emails to him which he ignored.

So time goes by, we forget she even exists (luckily she never turned up!) then she starts texting him- just messages about missing him which DH ignored and he since changed his number.

Then about 6 weeks he got an email from her at work.

Now the thing is DH only started to work there 2 years ago so there is no way she knew his email from before. He ignored it but we were both worried as to how she tracked his work email down.

The IT department blocked her email as he did not want to be disturbed at work; or by her full stop.

Then yesterday she emailed him again using a different email address- it was along the lines of" I miss you so much, I know you wouldn?t reply but please do I can?t stop thinking of you"

However the really creepy bit was she said "oh I understand why you have ignored me now- congrats by the way!"

DH and I got married only late last year and we are currently expecting a baby (we have dc1 but she is his step daughter). I can only assume she is congratulating him on one of these events of marriage or pregnancy- but how on earth does someone living on the other side of the world know this?

She seems to go to any lengths to keep in touch and keep in his life.

Why is she doing this do you think? What is she trying to gain?

What should we do- we though ignoring her for two years would deter her but it's getting worse.

Help!

Grabaspoon Tue 05-Jul-11 13:44:23

It sounds like she could be in the country if she's texting him.

Do they have mutual friends who could step in?

nomedoit Tue 05-Jul-11 13:46:49

You can text internationally, I do it everyday!

Hmm. 2 thoughts.

1. Is he on FB?
2. I hate to say this, but are you absolutely certain he hasn't contacted her at all? Just checking...

Achange Tue 05-Jul-11 13:51:01

He is on facebook but they aren't friends on there.

I am certain he hasnt contacted her (apart from to tell her not to visit his house which he showed me) because her messages always start along the lines with "I wish you would reply to me" and end with "I know you won't reply" etc

branstonsandcheese Tue 05-Jul-11 13:54:18

FB was my first thought - and/or do they have mutual aquaintances, might she have contacted someone who could've said (probably with the best intentions), "he's probably not responding because he's just got married/is going to be a father".

When DH and I announced our pregnancy (at 20 weeks), he got a lengthy rambling weirdo email from his ex saying that 'of course' loads of people had contacted her to let her know about the pregnancy (why??), and she wished us the best and did he remember the pregnancy scare they had and would he be using the names they'd thought of for their hypothetical kids back when they were dating - they'd broken up 5 or 6 years previously and she'd had other, serious partners since so it was a bit weird.

But does happen! 'Online stalking' is so easy to do now, I think most people I know have done it to some extent even if just googling long-ago loves to see if they're minging nowadays...

Achange Tue 05-Jul-11 13:59:08

Im going to get DH to double check his FB friends list. They went to univeristy together (thats how they met) so I wonder if he is forgotten about someone on there.

He only goes on FB once a year if that so maybe it slipped his mind... but neither of us mentioned our baby on FB at all and Dh writes very little though I did tag him in our wedding photo's I uploaded but I thought I made it private....

buzzsore Tue 05-Jul-11 13:59:15

Check his FB settings, maybe his security is too low.

buzzsore Tue 05-Jul-11 13:59:32

Oh sorry, x-posted.

TheArmadillo Tue 05-Jul-11 14:02:14

Has he checked his security settings on FB.

Has he googled himself to see what information comes up that way (often more than you think).

Do you know of any friends in common that have her on FB - they may have passed on details or she may have seen messages he's put on their board or things of his they have responded to.

If you do respond it will only make things worse. Although the ignoring is not appearing to help, responding will only make things much much worse - you know what shes doing when she gets no responce, imagine what she would be like if he started giving her some attention whether positive or negative. She'd know that pestering him will always pay off even if it takes a while.

Achange Tue 05-Jul-11 14:03:28

Ok we will do that.

Still dont get how she his work email though or why she even wants to keep snooping on him.
Or why she is even contacting him! I dont see what she has to acheive at all.

fastweb Tue 05-Jul-11 14:04:37

Have you tried googling his and your names to see what pops up ?

It might reveal where the info is coming from.

Reality Tue 05-Jul-11 14:06:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fastweb Tue 05-Jul-11 14:09:09

I dont see what she has to acheive at all.

Probably the way both of you feel right now.

Neither of you living in blissful ignorance re her existence and feelings.

Have you kept a record\copy of her messages ? It might just fizzle out but making sure you can prove any claims of harassment (even if it is not at that point yet) will give you a better sense of control over the situation.

Achange Tue 05-Jul-11 14:14:19

We havent kept a record to be honest- a lot of it was his old work emails which he lost access to once he moved or his old mobile.

We weren't overly bothered before as the messages were quite bland and infrequent, nothing alarming. But now in hindsight maybe a record should have kept.

I thought she had gone tbh so had forgotten all about her

. Its the "hunting him" down which is scary... we have a baby on the way we dont need this! Thankfully she lives (I hope) on the other side of world but this is not what you need when 6 months pregant

Achange Tue 05-Jul-11 14:18:59

fastweb

Why does she want him/us to be aware of her feelings or existence though?

Achange Tue 05-Jul-11 14:18:59

fastweb

Why does she want him/us to be aware of her feelings or existence though?

branstonsandcheese Tue 05-Jul-11 14:29:35

For whatever reason, your H is present in her life still - to her I mean. He's still important. And she knows it's not reciprocated but still wants to put her feelings out there and make contact.

Everyone I've known who's been like that has been deeply unhappy and associated their ex with happier times. I doubt it's about you on any level.

Achange Tue 05-Jul-11 14:42:07

Thank you branston. I suppose I cannot what to humilate myself in the way she is so I am finding it hard to understand her motivations.

This most obvious explanation is she still wants a realtionship with him.

DH says it not of this though! He says in his own words he was "stupid and weak" and used to pay for everything for her (he got in thouands of debt for her) and do her university work for her! So thinks she wants money, some work doing or maybe needs to get back into the UK for a reason. I suppose on a simple level she might miss the control she had over him as he was so weak?

Lucyinthepie Tue 05-Jul-11 14:58:23

Has your husband tried something as simple as "Please do not contact me again, I do not want to hear from you". Next time "Respect my wishes and do not contact me again". Then, "All of your emails and texts have been saved, if you contact me again I will refer the matter to the police".
He needs to make his boss aware of what is happening just in case she tries to cause problems at work.

Achange Tue 05-Jul-11 15:05:01

Hi Lucy

He mostly ignored everything, apart from when she wanted to visit.
Im worried a reply will just encourage her though?

Good point about the boss. No doubt she could find his office number I think I will tell DH to make a meeting with him.

branstonsandcheese Tue 05-Jul-11 15:16:56

By not replying, your H is facilitating her 'conversation with herself'. I'd usually agree with what he's doing but I think there might be some value in him saying "please stop contacting me, your behaviour is bizarre, we're not relevant to each other's lives, please leave me alone", or words to that effect. Her 'you won't reply's make me wonder if they are fantasy missives and a dose of reality would stop her.

Achange Tue 05-Jul-11 15:23:11

Thank you Branston.

Why did you think your DH's ex got in touch with him again? Do you think she was making a final attempt to rekindle something with him?

deste Tue 05-Jul-11 15:28:39

I think if he replied to her saying that he is pleased that she hs been in touch because she can now repay the debts she left him with. You wouldn't see her for dust.

DontGoCurly Tue 05-Jul-11 15:43:19

I'd email her myself and tell her to back the fuck off. Let her know straight up her meal ticket is married to someone else. Let her think you're a right rottweiler. Put the shits up her.

Lulabellarama Tue 05-Jul-11 15:55:52

My DH has an ex like this. She tracked him down on Myspace and started sending me messages. Then was texting his phone and leaving bizarre voicemails. More recently she found him on Facebook and has sent several messages, trying to be light-hearted, but failing miserably.
I think the only way to handle it is a very abrupt message asking her not to contact him again. No sugarcoating or pleasantries, just 'Please do not contact me again', that's what my husband has now done and it seems to have worked for now.

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