Talk sense to me, please!

[PhuzzyPhelt]

Longtime lurker, after some advice!

Am 35 and have new partner who's also 35. Been together nearly 5 months now. We get on great and he's really funny and clever and somehow puts up with me! I should be mega happy, and am, but a few things have got me worried, and I don't know if previous bad relationships are just making me want to jump ship before any real problems start or if I'm justified! I'm actually afraid to ask my friends because I think they'll tell me I'm a bit of a loser!

BF doesn't have a job just now - initially when we started seeing each other he was doing a bit of landscape gardening for his friend but that's all dried up now. I know how hard it is right now finding work and in a few months I'll be looking for extra work myself when my hours get cut.

I work full time and have quite a commute to work every day. I've never been to BFs house - he says (and I believe him) that it's a total tip - apparently frozen pipes at New Year and kitchen got flooded so floor is rotten and he's had to move washing machine into the living room.

When we first met he told me he was cleaning it and painting the living room etc. I've been outside his house to pick him up multiple times but never inside it. I am renting a lovely flat in a nice area of town so it's always been that he comes to mine, which is fine.

Lately though he's taken to almost moving in, and although it's nice to come home to him there it's also bothering me because I feel I'm not helping him any. No progress has been made on his own house at all and he hasn't ever looked for a job in any of the time he's been at mine. Initially he'd help with dinner etc but he's not been doing that so much lately.

In fact what he does is seems to lie in til about midday (he's never up when I have to go out to work) then sit on my laptop all day on facebook and music sites. Even sometimes when I get home he'll insist on facebook checking at least every hour or so, sometimes leaving it on all evening even if we are watching a film ot having a chat. Once he even had a chat online with someone who he told me fancied him while I was waiting for him to come to bed! I let him know he wasn't on!

I'm probably a total fuddy-duddy - I just don't get facebook at all and don't have it!

We had an issue at the very start of the relationship when he went out to the pub and got totally drunk and came back with 3 girls names on some napkins who he then added to facebook. I told him it made me uncomfortable and he told me I was mental and everyone did it and they were going to be friends and I was basically an idiot. I didn't stand for it at the tims and told him to forget it. He said he was sorry about hurting me.

We went away for the weekend just gone and I told him that I needed some space this week in the evenings (I need to do some work from home and I haven't been able to - he's either on the laptop or it's too distracting as he's there and is playing music/watching TV). I told him I'd give him a call and we'd see each other later in the week.

I came in last night at 7pm and he was still there! I feel bad but I told him he needed to go for a while and drove him over to his house. He was a bit sulky about it but I felt I needed to get things done.

Anyway, my laptop memory was apparently nearly full and when I looked there were all these videos he'd taken of himself whilst we were away at the weekend (Camping, I did well then went to the car for a heat at 6am!) - nothing rude but just for a girl he apparently knows on facebook - " Hi xxxx, this video is for you, I miss your words, I'm coming to see you this year sometime, phuzzyphelt is in the car, she's such a c**t".

Now I know about this girl, she's only 24 and lives in the US and he's told me before that they're penpals and he thinks of her as a sister. I don't actually feel threatened by their being in contact but I am feeling just so hurt and frankly taken advantage of.

Sometimes we jokingly will call each other names if we've been silly but it really was awful to hear him call me that. I checked my internet history and it's just screeds of facebook (girls) and the odd bit of porn. Never any job searches etc.

I genuinely am at a loss as he's so great in other ways but am I just being a total loser here? Please talk sense into me!

Thanks xxx

[saffronwblue]

I don't see why you would be with somene who uses all your facilities and writes abusive messages about you to another woman! He sounds like a great big useless man child with no sensitivity to your feelings. I can't see what is in this for you. Remember you can't change him so if you ahve different goals nd standards now, this is howitis going to stay.
Honestly I would be fuming at the messaging other women and the invasion of my space. He sounds like a jerk. Listen to your gut feeling.

[Mabelface]

Cocklodger I believe is the term for a man like this.

[redfairy]

OK - only a couple of minutes til I'm off my lunchbreak...

I think you must know the answer to this one. The guy is a loser, a sponger , a chancer and I'd be very interested to hear in what other ways he is so great. Aside from the lying in bed, stopping at yours rent free etc.. surely all the online porn, flirting must tell you that this chap is bad news?

Where is your self worth? You have everything going for you and he has zilch

He 'puts up with you' and you 'should be mega happy' and you feel 'you're not helping him'. Are these the words of a woman in a healthy happy relationship? You sound so lovely and deserve so much much better - do yourself a favour and ditch him.

[Aislingorla]

Please get rid of this man. I am shocked at how a woman as sorted as you in other areas had a person like this in your life.

[ExpatMummyInOz]

you probably know what I (and 50 zillion other MN'ers) are going to say..............

DUMP HIM!
DUMP HIM!
DUMP HIM!

He is a lazy arse who is completely and utterly taking the piss, and don't let him take any further advantage of you.

He isn't a great bloke either - no decent person would behave in this way, nor would they be calling you a c**t behind your back.

Get your key back (if he's got one), make sure you change your passwords on all your internet accounts that he may have had the opportunity toget into whilst using your computer, and GET RID OF HIM.

[keynesian]

PhuzzyPhelt you sound like a great person and far too nice for your own good! He's using you, taking advantage of you and your home and being astonishingly disloyal and disrespectful to you all at the same time!

Get his stuff packed onto bin bags and let him know when it suits you for him to collect it.

You are worth so much more than being shackled to a loser like him.

[mo3d]

Read back your thread then you'll see what we're all seeing. Sorry

[SarahBumBarer]

5 months in and you're putting up with this? What is wrong with you? Seriously what has happened to you to make you think this is ok?

Your previous bad relationships are NOT making you want to jump ship too early - if anything they are preventing you from giving this up quickly as a really bad job and damaging to your self-esteem. Dump him and learn to appreciate yourself and next time make sure that whoever you are with does so too.

Well done for sticking to your guns and driving him home last night. That shows you can do what you need to do. Find that resolve again and keep hold of it!

[HerHissyness]

Madlizzy beat me to it!

The whole time I was reading that, I had a 'deep south' american accent running on a loop in my head saying

"What you have there, sugar, is a COCK-LODGER..."

[Achange]

I agree with the other posters, this not a nice realtionship and he sounds vile.

Im sorry but please, you have one life; dont waste it on him.

[Binfullofmaggotsonthe45]

Dump the spunktrumpet because:

He is scrounging your internet account, TV, food, electric and heating and contributing nowt.
You have never been inside his house...is it actually his? Maybe he is renting a room in some crudhole and pretending it's his house (I have had this happen to me - if someone doesn't let you in their house they are a freak and you must run, run, run)
He is ignoring your need for personal space and acting like a sulky kid
He is a grown man spending all his time on Facebook ffs
He is definitely angling for some kind of shag with these women
He doesn't want a job when he is happy living off a cunt
He called you a cunt!

You can get support on here. But you know deep down damn well why you haven't told your RL friends about any of his behaviour. Because they would quite rightly judge him as a bloody oxygen thief.

[PhuzzyPhelt]

Thanks for all the replies so far! You guys are so great, honestly, I feel so much better just at writing down how I felt.

I'm not that sorted, trust me, I'm a very, very silly 35 year old who should be much better off - I've been silly with money in the past and don't have my own place plus my job is going to go to reduced hours soon so i'm desperately trying to sort other income out (just like loads of people are right now I guess! Heigh ho!)

Honestly, the problem is I do genuinely care about the BF, love him even, but I now feel so so uneasy about things. I think I've enabled him to continue just doing nothing and initially when I just seeing him the novelty of being "la-la-la-like-you-so-much" took over. Now I'm starting to get bothered as he seems to be making no effort at all and passes off the flirting as me being stupid.

I think I already know my solution, it makes me sad but better to be single than put up with nonsense!

Thanks guys xxx

[SpareOhs]

Good grief. He sounds appalling. Why would you put up with this sort of blatant disrespect and piss-taking?

He's not a great person. You sound as if you are. There's a fundamental mismatch right there . You don't have kids together, you don't need him for anything. Cut your losses - in a month's time you'll breathing a sigh of relief that he's out of your life, I promise you.

[Binfullofmaggotsonthe45]

You need to cut back if your hours are reducing, so why have him there with the TV and laptop on all day, hoovering the contents of your fridge?

I'd be careful op, kick him out and make sure he isn't using your address for benefits and other things, as I bet his credit rating isn't super shiny either and that's the last thing you need if you are trying to get on your feet financially. If he's there all day you don't know what he's doing. As someone else posted, change all your passwords and I would get the locks changed tbh.

Uuurgh god forbid he's using your flat as a "shagden". He probably tells the other women you're a best friend/sister to him.

Leave him to the other mugs, you deserve better x

[BenHer]

It appears you have adopted a manchild.You are doing neither yourself or him any favours.You need to bin him or at the very least keep any future meetings to a neutral venue before he takes over your home.Good luck.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Phuzzy

Your man is a cocklodger.

How is he great exactly?. Your relationship bar is set way too low and there are always reasons as to why that is. You need to properly confront that yourself now or you run the risk of repeating the same old relationship errors over and over again.

Why are you with someone like this who is more than happy to abuse you (and his behaviour is abusive) in such ways?. What's in this for you, what are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Have your previous poor relationship choices taught you the erroneous thought that you don't somehow deserve any better?. You'd be better off on your own than be in this situation.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I would actually consider counselling now for your own self as your overall poor self esteem and worth (saying for instance that he puts up with you) attracts such men like a magnet, they take full advantage of emotional vulnerability and naivety (he's practically moved into your house by stealth). You cannot and should not ignore the red flags.

Love your own self for a change.

[buzzsore]

I vote with cocklodger as well, sorry. You need rid. He's got no respect for you and he's a user.

[Anniegetyourgun]

You're trying to sort out other income - a second job, I take it - whilst keeping at your expense an adult human being who isn't interested in contributing anything. You can't afford this! He is, in the vernacular, 'avin' a larff.

Btw accusing you of being mental is a totally textbook cheater's response.

[oldwomaninashoe]

The day he referred to me as a C*T I would have shown him the door.
I'm guessing this behaviour/situation has crept on gradually, and probably doesn't seem that shocking to you but stand back and look at it as detached as you can.

He is using you and has no respect for you.

You cannot maintain a relationship with someone who has no respect for you.

[notsorted]

Hiya, I kept thinking I'd get up courage to tell my exP not to call me a c, and I thought he might shape up when I got pregnant and actually get a job, sort himself etc. Now it's still crap. I have DS, he has hit, spat, broken things and blamed me. Just stop now. I'd wish I'd done when alarm bells started ringing. I thought love would solve it all. It doesn't. I still love the b*, but am confronting my collusion in his lies. I still have mad flicker that he will sort himself and get real for his DS. But then there is OW. Consolation is that she will have to deal with his lies, not me. It's very hard when you are in love with someone, but at least take a big break, take a holiday, anything to get some perspective.
Best of luck

[Blindcavesalamander]

Dear OP, you sound such a kind hearted and trusting woman, very generous and unjudgemental. I know it will really hurt you to 'reject' this man because you wouldn't do anything like that lightly, but something is terribly wrong with this man's behaviour. I am certain he must have some redeeming features and noone needs to be perfect, but he sounds scarily like he's using you and not at all showing you the kindness you have shown him. One problem is that I don't suppose he will want to let such a good thing go and will probably make lots of promises that he will forget about again if, due to your good nature you give him another chance. Referring to you as a c* is not affectionate or silly.It's simply horrible. He sounds like he's addicted to face Book for all the attention he can feed on there. I hope so much that you can be brave and give yourself the chance to meet a genuinely friendly, respectful and loving man. With very best wishes to you.

[Blindcavesalamander]

It's morning and your story has been playing on my mind. I totally agree with AttillatheMeerkat, you need to do what you can to value yourself more. It's a good and kind thing to save and help somebody, but I think the price may be your happiness. You may end up needing to be saved yourself. This man's lack of empathy and parasitical behaviour sound alarmingly as if he may be a charming sociopath. Don't think his behaviour reflects on your own worth though. I expect that whichever generous, gentle woman he latched on to would be treated exactly the same, as providing a secure base from which to carry on flirtations to feed his ego, but everything superficial. SAVE YOURSELF! Somebody deeper and sweeter will be more deserving of your good nature. With every good wish for you....

[Binfullofmaggotsonthe45]

Yes I keep coming back too! Op you sound lovely, please don't be taken advantage of. You will meet someone who deserves you, why waste your time on this?

I hope you find the strength to talk to your RL friends and get some good support around you. x

[ExpatMummyInOz]

Me too! I am sure that it's because, at some point, most of us have experienced a 'cocklodger' (just love that term!) in one form or another. We all make mistakes. Some of us have even had the misfortune to marry them! :)

I was thinking you should turn up on his door-step and insist on him letting you in....... it would be interesting to see how he reacts.

Anyway, do let us all know once you have got rid of this nasty little turd of bloke - we are all cheering you on in cyber-land.