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Some hand holding please...

(8 Posts)
GoddessofSubburbia Mon 04-Jul-11 16:39:47

Oh man, I don't know where to begin... Please bear with me here if I don't give the full picture- there's so much of it, and I'm terrified of being identified in RL.

I've been separated from my stbxdh since November. He moved out of the house and in with his new girlfriend straight away. I've since got a new partner- we got together in December, having known each other for a year at that point, and things are going nicely. NP lives a long way from me, and due to circumstances, I fly to see him at regular intervals- every couple of weeks.

Stbxdh and I share residency of the children (I have them one week, him the next). This is a situation that's worked really well- we live close enough to each other so the children can go to school etc. Now, my DP was going to spend the week with me. Stbxdh hit the roof at this, saying he would not let the DC's come to me if he was here.

Unfortunately, DP has not been able to visit after all due to work commitments. Stbxdh knows this- I emailed and told him yesterday, along with stating my expectation to collect the DC's as normal, but there was no response. I'm terrified he won't release them to me. Literally, I'm sitting here shaking... is anyone around to to give me a virtual hand hold and tell me it'll be ok?

lazarusb Mon 04-Jul-11 16:46:01

Hi smile
1. Have your children met your new man? If not, a week may be quite hard on them.
2. Your ex cannot tell you who you can see, where and when. Get some support from your solicitor if necessary.
3. Your ex may be living with his gf but he is jealous and wants to retain control over you.
4. if your ex persists with this attitude I would stop telling him your plans. He really doesn't have any right to tell you what you can and can't do, especially as he moved in with someone else straight away (which I'm guessing you didn't particularly like?).

Stand your ground.

GoddessofSubburbia Mon 04-Jul-11 16:58:09

Hi lazarusb. Thanks for replying. To answer your questions...

1) Yes, they have. He helped me move into my new place, and stayed with us for a few days then. They also talk to him 2/3 times a week when they are with me. They like him, and tell me frequently they are glad that we met because "you are so much smilier and happy these days mummy"

2) That's what I thought. I'm seeing a solicitor on Wednesday, so hopefully will have some help in this then.

3)Ditto. he said to me once that he didn't want me, but didn't want anyone else to have me either... sad

4) I don't tell him stuff anymore- as you say, it's none of his business. But he interrogates the DC, and thus finds out.

I know I'm not in the wrong here... but it doesn't make what I'm feeling any easier to deal with... sad

Wisedupwoman Mon 04-Jul-11 16:59:10

So does the stbxh's new GF move out while the DC's visit him? If not, then he's got no right to demand differential arrangements from you IMO.

Agree with laz though, a week without having met him first might be a step too far straight away.

Wisedupwoman Mon 04-Jul-11 17:00:28

Oops, sorry x posted.

lazarusb Mon 04-Jul-11 19:20:47

He is a grade one arse as I suspected. While you are at the solicitors mention him asking the children about your plans etc, that could develop into something nasty over the years.
Stick to your guns, he is the one breaking the agreement regarding access (legally enforced or not). If this is too personal, please ignore it and I apologise for any offence, but was his relationship with this woman the reason for the end of your marriage and did he end it or you? If she was the cause then he is on very shaky moral ground and if he ended it/cheated he really has no room to try and tell you how to live your life angry

GoddessofSubburbia Tue 05-Jul-11 08:56:08

Well, I went to get the children last night, and surprisingly enough he was totally pleasant, apart from not letting them go until they'd done enough housework for his satisfaction. No mention of any of the unpleasantness from the weekend at all, which makes me suspicious, tbh. Though I suspect that might have been something to do with the fact he asked for the DC to go back to hiis one day at the weekend, as it's new GF's birthday. I told him I'd think about it, as it would mean cancelling plans I'd made..wink

Laz, I love your description of him as a grade one arse! Thank you for making me laugh. Yes, the GF is part, but not all of the reason we split. Our marriage was to all intents and purposes over before we met her- she was my friend, and I (fool that I am) introduced her to him. I see her as a sort of catalyst, iyswim, as their relationship certainly speeded up the breakdown of ours whilst not being the entire cause of it.

wisedup No, she doesn't move out. He moved in with her and her children (who were my children's best friends....), and I hear on the grapevine that they are in the process of getting another house. This pleases me actually, as it means my DC will actually have a bed to sleep in rather than having to make do with a sofa bed in the living room- I ask you! hmm

lazarusb Tue 05-Jul-11 16:30:11

He is playing mind games with you. Winding you up to see how you react. I think you behaved very well. I think you sound amazingly reasonable - no matter the state of your relationship, she wasn't much of a friend. Stay strong smile

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