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Let's talk about sex, baby...

(42 Posts)
ValtnSinegar Mon 04-Jul-11 12:57:11

...or, let's not. Let's put it off, avoid it. Let's remember all the bits and pieces that need doing, or the places that need going to. Let's make sure by the end of the day, we're just too tired to think about that sort of thing.

Let's change the subject if I bring it up. Let's start to pull back on intimacy in general, in case it gives the impression that, inevitably, this must be leading to sex. Let's even start to grade our kisses, and be sure to stick to the lowest levels before things get, well, icky. Let's make sure above all that all bodily fluids remain with ourselves, and all clothed body parts remain untouched.

Let's, if an argument arises, respond with "but I still love you" and a brief hug. Let's assume that this solves everything and we can carry on with our routines.

And let's, as the weeks turn into months, treat the arrival of each monthly cycle with a mixture of outward disappointment (as if "oh, if only I wasn't on, I'd love to have sex with you) and inward (but not entirely concealed) relief. After all, now we have a reason not to think about doing it for another week.

But let's not think about somewhere like Relate. There's no need to be fussing with that sort of thing.


EricNorthmansMistress Mon 04-Jul-11 14:08:24

Are you male or female? Are you the rejectee? Sounds pretty shit.

mumblechum1 Mon 04-Jul-11 14:10:21

sad Oh dear. Sounds crap.

mad4mainecoons Mon 04-Jul-11 14:18:38

sounds sad but oh so familiar...

are you my DH OP??

since the DC have arrived i have lost all intrest in sex, im terrified i will never get it back. i went to se my GP last summer and he barely concealed his laugh, more or less patted me on the head and told me to go away, i felt guilty for wasting his time sad

i think my Dh and i do have issues, i do feel resentful as i do the lions share of the home running and dc care and sometime if feels like i have 3 dc as dh just wont help! i miss my job and my sense of self worth (very tied up with work) has gone.

i dont mean to hijack your thread buy maybe your DP feels as i do, would love to have that intamacy back but has no idea how to begin. i for one would liek my DH to accept that if we live basically as platinic freiends until the lights go out i find it very difficult to get in the mood. the intamacy needs to be there outside the bedroom too!

hope things improve for you soon.

ValtnSinegar Mon 04-Jul-11 16:00:26

Thanks mad. I realise this all sounds a little whiny, but not meant to be - and it's not the only thing in our lives! The rest is generally fine, though it's starting to get me a little down.

Would love to start from the basics again and develop intimacy outside the bedroom and build from there, but feels like no progress can be made. Or we get a little way (if I was being cynical, at those points where DW felt she needed to "make things alright") then fall back again.

Just doesn't feel like she wants to or even wants to try, but I daren't tip the balance and make it look pushy - that wouldn't be fair.

mad4mainecoons Mon 04-Jul-11 16:54:47

not sure it would be much help but from my point of view i just want,

a hug sometimes thats not a grope,
a kiss thats just a kiss,
a cuddle in bed without trying to undo pyjamas,
just to say "you look pretty" istead of "cor lets hop in bed while the kids are watching the tv" hmm

its the constant feeling of pressure that gets me down, then even when i do fancy it, im so hacked off with the constant begging that i go off the idea sad

and some support when im trying to do things, i just feel like he is watching me, waiting for me to fail so he can take the piss sad nothing seems like a joint effort anymore sad

he has cast me in the role of "nagging wife" and tbh its pretty hard to feel sexy when you begin to believe it.

Ooooh this is theraputic to write it down tho blush

could you not take her out somewhere lovely, and just "be" with no pressure?

ValtnSinegar Mon 04-Jul-11 17:59:56

mad - as you say, you could be my DW! Though I don't do the piss-taking or put downs, but the "feeling pressured" thing - I'm sure that's part of the problem.

What I really struggle with though is getting the balance (and more particularly, what each of our perceptions are on where the balance is).

What I consider to be a kiss or a cuddle gets interpreted as a slobbery sex-snog or a grope and a maul. And because I'm really really conscious of that, I try really hard to not come across like that - yet it still does, somehow.

And it's impossible to shake, because you back off more and more, which feels like everything is getting worse, not better. Then eventually you find yourself pulling out of a simple peck, to which DW looks hurt and says "why won't you kiss me properly?"

[bangs head against wall emoticon]

EthelredOnAGoodDay Mon 04-Jul-11 18:09:41

Is your DW on the pill or other hormone related contraception? (sorry if i missed this info.) i only ask because I had the implant fitted and had very low sex drive. Had it removed recently and things are vastly improved. Sorry I can't be more helpful!

mo3d Mon 04-Jul-11 18:23:41

Have you spoken to your dw? I think its great that you can verbalise how you feel. Me and my h ended up where you are, didn't talk, and it got worse and worse. He had an affair in the end. Im not saying thats what will happen with you, just that its good that you can say how you feel.

Will she not consider relate?

Often women need a connection outside of sex to put them in the mood for sex. Do you have any hobbies together? Do you just go for walks holding hands? I think so much stuff gets in our heads that just feeling you have the energy for sex feels like too much. IYKWIM.

Im sure youve prob tried everything, but perhaps focus away from the sex for now. How about a massage that doesnt lead to sex? You lay down the rule before that its just a massage (and dont forget and get carried away!).

It might just be me, but if i felt treasured and considered, i know it would all fall into place.

I hope thats of some use.

pink4ever Mon 04-Jul-11 18:24:27

8 weeks and counting in our housesad. I know this is not long by many peoples standards but I have a fairly high sex drive(yes I am the rejected one in our house). Dh always blames it on his long working hours. I have got fed up asking/trying to initiate sex plus dh has been so obnoxious that I dont even want to do it(with him any way!).
Dread the years ahead-am only 35. Surely thats far too young to give up on a sex life?. Sorry for the hijack btw!.

ValtnSinegar Mon 04-Jul-11 18:40:25

Ethelred Nope, nothing. As it happens we've talked about DW going back on the pill (was on it before with no side effects) but she's just not fussed. Got "too many other things to do" before she worries about going to the GP for the pill.

mo3d yep, we can do the massage thing. There's a standing offer whenever she wants, but she never asks. I will also ask occasionally - gave DW a foot and lower leg massage last night (sent her to sleep smile ). I hope that "not feeling treasured" isn't the problem - I really hope she does understand how I feel about her.

pink 35 is far too young! I'm 30 and I'll be buggered (not literally) if that's the end of my sex life. Don't think it will but as time passes along the neurotic part of your mind starts to get that little bit louder...

mo3d Mon 04-Jul-11 18:43:06

how about hobbies? Do you do any together?

mo3d Mon 04-Jul-11 18:45:31

What im getting at, is how much time do you spend together having fun?

ValtnSinegar Mon 04-Jul-11 18:45:34

mo3d interesting Q. No, but then we don't have any.

I'll occasionally play a bit of football or other sport, but nothing regular (maybe once a month?). Generally our time is spent together and with dogs + DS.

mo3d Mon 04-Jul-11 18:48:33

Can you talk to you dw about a hobbie you could take up together that youll both enjoy.

I really feel if you can find the fun in your relationship again, then 'fun' in other areas might appear!

ValtnSinegar Mon 04-Jul-11 18:52:08

to clarify, I used to play quite a lot (rugby, cricket, golf - you name it). We've been together now for 11 years and generally that's declined over time.

Partly due to other commitments (ie working), but partly because DW doesn't like me having other hobbies. I'm sure she'd refute that statement as it stands, but any attempts I make to do anything are quite tricky, either because I end up feeling that I somehow don't care about her because I'm off doing something else, or it's unfair to her because she doesn't have any hobbies (and no, I've never been able to convince her to have any).

I haven't been able to get her to indulge in anything I like, together. DS sort of deflects that in that he is the centre of both our attention now, but it's always been like this.

mo3d Mon 04-Jul-11 18:52:20

I think its easy to lose each other after having children. You need to find each other again. You need to remember what it is you liked about each other. I think that can be done whilst enjoying an activity together. While youre not thinking about your ds or the house or intimacy problems.

ValtnSinegar Mon 04-Jul-11 18:52:41

xpost, but it fits quite neatly!

mo3d Mon 04-Jul-11 18:53:50

You need to pick a hobbie together that neither of you do.

Geordieminx Mon 04-Jul-11 18:56:13

I could have written your post. sad

tortilla Mon 04-Jul-11 18:57:38

Do you have very small children? Is your DW breastfeeding? I ask because I explained to DH that part of the reason I have a low libido at the moment is that I just feel constantly mauled by two small children - 3yo DS clambering all over me, 9mo DD feeding lots - and when they are in bed I just want time to be physically untouched.

I feel for you, I really do. It must be shit. I am conscious that my lack of interest in sex at the moment could be a problem so I have spoken with DH about it, and we do have sex - I may not be in the mood but I do believe that regular sex leads to more regular sex (and ergo less sex leads to even less sex) and so although it's a bit of an effort for me, I do have sex and enjoy it (albeit not being as fab as normal). So we have sex once a week at best, once a fortnight at worst, and it's just about ok for us. I can't imagine how DH would be feeling if I rejected every affectionate approach from him, let alone any sexual advances.

I would be tempted to try maybe a week or not pushing for sex, but just low level physical intimacy - a hand on the shoulder, a quick hug, arm round her when watching telly, quick peck on the cheek when you walk past her in the kitchen. She may reject you at first as she might fear it's leading to sex, but hopefully after a week or so of realising you are actually just being affectionate, maybe she'll start to thaw. I don't know if this would help, but I imagine in her head she feels like it's all about sex, and you probably need to show her it's not. I always feel more loving towards my DH when he is affectionate with me but not too pushy IYSWIM. But then I've never been as much off sex as your DW clearly is so sorry if this seems like crap advice.

Butterbur Mon 04-Jul-11 19:25:59

Do you have children? If so, do you think she might be feeling resentful about the way her life has gone? Does she feel that her life has gone down the toilet, while yours has barely changed? Do you expect her to do the lion's share of the household/childcare duties, when she wants you both to be equal partners?

Resentment is a real passion killer.

ValtnSinegar Mon 04-Jul-11 19:35:32

butter no, she's never really had any aspirations that she might now feel have gone off track. She doesn't work, but when we're both around we split the load evenly.

marl Mon 04-Jul-11 19:59:10

Was talking to three other friends with young children this weekend and we all said the same thing mirroring much of the stuff above. None of us are really feeling like it. One of the reasons is knackeredness...and another is a general 'lack of romance' - sex without anything else that might come before, and that feels lacking for us. 'So, instigate the romantic stuff you moaners', I hear you chorus... but we all agreed we are just too knackered grin

bubaluchy Mon 04-Jul-11 20:05:11

start going to the gym together and eating really healthily, I know it sounds silly but it really helped me and my DP get back on track, kind of gets you back in harmony with your bodies needs, its easier to use food to satisfy your desires but it just leads to weight gain and a feeling of seperateness- good luck

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