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feeling really low, not sure if i'm being irrational...(10 Posts)
Ok, i'll try to keep this as short as i can. This weekend was my birthday weekend and i'd organised (as my bday present from my husband) a weekend away for my husband and me. I was really, really looking forward to a night away in a hotel and going out on Saturday evening, and i'd planned it all quite carefully (tried to make it so we would both enjoy it and have a nice break).
Basically we had a lovely day, sightseeing and lunch, then a really nice evening. Problems started when getting home from our night out was a bit tricky and i started to be a bit sarky about dh's not knowing where to go etc (along the lines of 'i assumed youd found the right route as you've got your phone out'..). Was all a bit stressful as we were in a very busy unknown place, and it all resulted in dh getting really annoyed and saying 'i'm going to leave you here that'll teach you a lesson', which made really upset (over reaction?), and my being upset made him annoyed and he swore and stormed off. I (for various reasons which i won't bore you with) can't walk v fast at the mo, so hobbled after him feeling really hurt. By the time i caught up with him i was nearly in tears and by the time we got back to the hotel i couldn't talk to him and we were both furious.
By the next morning we sort of made up but it totally spoilt the whole weekend and i now can't stop thinking about it. We spent money on it we probably couldn't afford to spend and i just feel like crying still. It should have been such a nice treat having a weekend to ourselves. I know this is all ridiculous, and petty and ungrateful and i'm just so annoyed with myself for messing it all up.
I now keep wondering why i always ruin things like this, and feel bad for being irritating in the first place (my dad has always described me as 'waspish' which makes me feel worried there's something wrong with me that i can't control my behaviour). I am perfectly calm and nice with friends and at work and with the children (as calm as one can be with toddlers!), but with my dh (and with my parents) i am so ratty. Sorry for the long post, i know i'm rambling but i just can't shake off this low feeling.
'i'm going to leave you here that'll teach you a lesson'
No you're not being irrational to have been upset by that. It's a weird thing to say to one's spouse - it's more like what you'd hear a horrible parent say to a naughty child. Patronising and belittling.
Yes I think that's what upset me about it fuzzpig I did feel rather belittled. I was so so angry with him at the time but now I just feel guilty.
Your last couple of sentences are interesting - you're fine with others and the children, but ratty with your parents and dh. Do you think you've got stuck in a vicious circle - they expect you to be ratty, know how to push your buttons (for want of a better expression) so you respond as expected?
Do you really always spoil things? Or just things that involve your dh and/or parents? Maybe it's more about the way you really feel about them, rather than anything wrong in your character? It sounds like on this occasion you and dh behaved in a similar way, but you're blaming yourself for it all.
When you 'sort of made up' - did that involve you saying sorry for being so irritating and ruining things...and him 'sort of' forgiving you, by any chance?
No he apologised for his behaviour, told me what it was that upset him (he says I made him feel 'not good enough' because he couldn't get us home more easily), then said he realised he had blown it out of proportion. So basically took the blame but not all the blame.
Just wanted to add I don't see it as his responsibility to get us home, I think that's a rather old fashioned way of looking at it.
It is. Sounds like he can't take a joke. But the worst bit is it seems you invested a fair bit of effort into the weekend
Hope things have been better since OP.
maybe this is a wake up call for you.
If you do really think that you tend to be "ratty" with the adults you love most, you need to stop!
( I don't think your dh's reaction was too kind either, but he did apologise)
One of my loveliest friends does the ratty thing with her ( very lovely) dh and she just can't seem to stop herself, even after 15 years of marriage
It's such a shame there was a blot on your lovely weekend - but festering niggles do tend to blow up when you finally get some time off together. It's a bit like the way a sore throat turns into a cold the minute you land at your holiday destination! I hope the pair of you will be able to relive all the good moments from your weekend, sounds like it was a success on the whole.
OK, the festering niggle ... What he said was rude. He's apologised. I'm wondering whether the reason it's playing on your mind is that the incident did crystallise a festering problem: one that you need to take a closer look at?
You said don't see it as his responsibility to get you home - that's rational & reasonable. But, in your OP, you said: I started to be a bit sarky about dh's not knowing where to go. So you certainly acted as though it's his responsibility - and picked at him for not getting it right first time. No wonder he felt you were putting him down: you blamed him, took the piss and were sarcastic! He can be forgiven for reacting badly, no?
Since you've said you do this with DH and your P&M - but nobody else - this looks like a very bad habit of feeling "you can always hurt the one you love" (and who loves you enough to take your shit.) It's a habit you need to fix - could DH help you with it?
I wonder where you picked this habit up? Is one of your parents like this with the other, or did they always pick on one of their children but not the others? If you can spot your 'teacher', then you'll be able to observe the same mechanism at work when they do it and that should help you catch yourself iyswim
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