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Is this normal? Am i wrong to feel this way?

(8 Posts)
luckyjames Mon 04-Jul-11 10:32:46

I have been with my partner for a very long time. I have always been a very passionate person until the birth of our son 3.5 years ago. The first year was hard work with the sleepless nights and breastfeeding but we were extremely happy. My partner works really long hours which means he's not at home a lot. He usually comes in at night when i'm going to bed and he has one day off a week. He was never a really affectionate person due to his upbringing and always found it hard to express his feelings until a family bereavement, it made him realise. Since then he has become more affectionate and loving but i'm not always in the mood! I work a 9 to 5 job four days a week and look after our son, do housework etc. Where he would feel like bedroom antics most nights or at least 4 times a week, i can only manage more like once a week or two weeks! We have been trying for another baby for the past 2 years without success. During this time i have had 2 laparoscopies and subsequently had a tube removed. Now IVF looks the only way forward. I seem to think it is quite normal for women to perhaps go off the subject of sex due to the responsibility of motherhood balanced with work and housework. And i'm quite sure that sex is not the same when you are trying for a baby, let alone trying for years without success and the prospect of going through IVF, at the same time seeing all your friends fall pregnant! Emotionally, i am a wreck but have to stay strong and positive for the sake of our son. Would love to hear others opinions and if i am correct with the way i feel!!

RedGreenBlue Mon 04-Jul-11 13:15:05

Sorry I haven't got any great insights, but didn't want to leave this unanswered.

I wonder OP (I can't decide) whether you are more upset over the lack of sex (as a physical act) or with not becoming pregnant over the years and having to opt for IVF (ie sex as procreation)?

luckyjames Mon 04-Jul-11 14:29:25

I'm fine with the lack of sex as i just don't feel like it. I am of course unhappy with not becoming pregnant. My partner can't seem to understand that emotionally i will be affected by the stress and this would affect sex. I often hear about women not feeling in the mood for sex once they start a family so surely what i'm feeling is normal?

SayItLoud Mon 04-Jul-11 14:36:56

I think you're perfectly normal, quite honestly the thought of four times a week makes me feel quite faint - I need my sleep far too much!!! Seriously, life with young children, housework and working with no help is pretty damn hard and it's no wonder you're not in the mood as frequently as you were, even without taking illness, conception issues and possible IVF into account. Can you have a gentle chat with your dh and tell him how you feel?

luckylucky Tue 05-Jul-11 10:55:33

I have told him how i feel. He said he could understand with everything that's happening that it's normal not to be in the mood a "little bit". I got very angry when he said that. I think it's normal to not be in the mood when you have children and no other issues but to say i should be just a little not in the mood when i have been depressed with not conceiving and possible IVF coming up on top of eberything else,has angered me so much. why can't he understand that sex is no longer a priority for me?!

The biggest mood killer is men who do sod all round the house and then ask for sex. Add that to your troubles TTC and it is no wonder that you are not interested.
What is he actually doing to help you at the moment? Is he making any effort to give you time to yourself, pay you compliments, show you consideration? Or is he one of those who thinks that being the wage earner is the only contribution he needs to make and because he earns the money he is entitled to unlimited domestic service and sex whenever he gets a twitch in his trousers?

luckylucky Wed 06-Jul-11 10:04:43

Credit to him, he works very hard/long hours to bring most of the income in and on his day off, he does help around the house and cooks and cleans!

RoRoMummy Wed 06-Jul-11 22:27:54

I have struggled to feel 'in the mood' since the birth of DD almost 9 years ago, sex is simply not the same now we have 2 kids. This is due to a variety of factors: too tired, lack of privacy (kids often sleep with us), I don't want it several times a week, boredom (bit samey), poor body image due to weight issues and droopy bits and hormonal/thyroid problems. He keeps on asking me if I still fancy him, well I do, but not in the 'phoar' way pre-kids. I love him, but humping is not one of my priorities. He sometimes wakes me up from a (very deep) sleep at about 5.30am to ask if I'm up for it. As you can imagine, it does not go down very well!
In summary: you are quite normal!

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