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I've hurt him and I can't bear it

(6 Posts)
bloodrayne Mon 04-Jul-11 08:50:55

Hi.
Sorry to bother anyone with this but I just needed to write something as I am so sad.

I have been seeing a lovely guy for the last few years. Before him I was involved in a relationship and marriage not long after I left school and we had two children. But things fell apart and I decided it would be best to leave him

He broke my cheekbone once when he hit me, and held a knife to my throat infront of the children and once held me by my throat over the stairs. He cheated on me quite a few times and I took him back for the sake of the two little ones. but after my brother passed away and he was so selfish at the funeral I thought that enough was enough

A few years later and I met this man online who was only a couple of years younger than me, and he seemed so sweet to chat to - he wasn't like anyone else, he wasn't rude or vulgar just seemed so easy to chat to and after a few weeks of chatting I could feel myself warming to him. Of course the chat turned a little flirty but nothing that was really bad - just harmless fun.

He did ask me out for a drink and we decided to meet up close to where I lived. We had a meal and we chatted about everything until the restaurant chucked us out when they closed. Then I asked him about his motorbike and he gave me a little spin around the car park but I wasn't ready to go home just yet and I just sat there behind him with my arms around him and we kept chatting until the sun rose.

Things went on and he met my children and like me - they too fell in love with him, he was so loving and gentle and relaxed and he had been through such a rough time with his ex - she was very abusive emotionally to him - she limited really badly how much he could see his own children and although I met his little boy a couple of times, but not his little girl (his ex banned him from taking them to meet me as "his girlfriend). We agreed that our kids would be priority but that we would see each other regularly and he stayed over night now and again.

He could be so intimate and the physical side was fantastic, but he was also a good friend and helped give me support - but recently in the last few weeks I have been thinking about things alot. Due to commitments I hadnt been able to see him for a couple of weeks and it gave a me a little time to think.

I struggle to make ends meet because my ex won't take responsibilty and I have to be careful with what I earn and how many hours I work as I simply couldnt afford to live if I didn't have some sort of benefits. my boyfriend really tries to help out but he has to be so careful because my ex would report it if he managed to find out. But he buys me food, and helps with petrol but I feel so guilty because I feel that I am taking time that he could be with his kids.

With all the stress, from trying to bring up my own children and still the nastiness of my ex and how he is with his two children and how they just want him to be their Dad - even though he has remarried. my own mum being ill, and money problems I realised I cannot make my boyfriend happy in the way he should be, and that right now there is no room in my life in the same way as I know he feels about me.

I had to be honest and he came round so we could talk and it broke my heart to tell him, and he was so upset, but he didn't get angry or try to change my mind - He did break down and cry though and I couldn't bear to see it
I love him to bits and he's so lovely and fantastic and he could be so much happier. He says he has never felt so happy in the time we have known each other but he will go away if that is what I want - and unless I want to call him, he will leave me alone and not call or text me.
He said that he couldn't hide the fact that it would break his heart, but not to feel too guilty and he would in time find a way to get over it.

But I told him I couldn't imagine living without him being in my life, or my childrens life and I still need to see him even as a very close friend - I just can't see him that way, I don't know if I ever will again and I can't believe I have lost those feelings for him. I asked him to stay the night as I couldn't let him drive home so upset and he slept on the floor on a camp bed when I went to bed.

He left the next morning and I asked him to text me when he got home - he wrote me a lovely message which told me he could never be angry with me and doesn't know what the future will be but if he could cope with it - he felt he couldn't lose me as a friend, he gave so much up to be with his ex, he moved away from all his friends and family to be with her.

I'm just so upset and confused right now and I can't stop crying and I know the future is uncertain but I just don't knoiw why things have gone like this.

HattiFattner Mon 04-Jul-11 09:03:36

so you have decided you are worthless and you wont be able to make him happy.

Eventhough he makes you happy?

Sounds to me like you have convinced yourself that you are not worth loving. SOunds to me like he is happy with you, and you with him, but your fear of relationships means you have convinced yourself that you cannot "do" relationships.

Id say you owe it to him and to yourself to love him unconditionally and let your guard down. Because abused women build walls so high and wide around their hearts that they are scared to let anyone in.

He does not deserve the "its not you, its me" speech.

niceguy2 Mon 04-Jul-11 09:15:09

I think the root cause here is that you have so much going on in your life at the moment, most of which seems outside your control that you've done the one thing you have a bit of control over....your relationship.

Unfortunately it's clear to everyone that this is one of the only positive things currently going on at the moment and you've now pushed away the one person who was stood at your side. One of the things I love the most about my OH is that I know that when the shit hits the fan, she'll be stood right next to me side by side.

I can understand how right now you must feel like spending time with him is just yet one more demand but don't forget how much support he gives you and how much he means to you.

As a stepparent myself I can tell you that the best way to deal with the ex's is head on. You let them dictate terms and you'll be dancing to their tune forever. So as far as your ex is concerned, have you done things like get the CSA involved? Is there anyone in his family like his mum who may be able to talk some sense into him? When it comes to ex's, as a famous man once said "Talk softly but carry a big stick."

buzzsore Mon 04-Jul-11 09:15:29

I do wonder why you think you can't make him happy and why the relationship cost you emotionally when it should have added? Maybe it wasn't working out for you because he's not the right guy. Maybe he made you feel you weren't good enough. Is he up on some pedestal for you? Why aren't you worthy?

It could be as Hatti suggests, that you're building walls against a nice guy because you feel you're not good enough, or possibly he exacerbates those feelings, in which case you're better off out of it.

I also wonder if you might be depressed? In which case, you might want to visit your GP. Have you had any counselling wrt your previous abusive relationship?

If he is genuinely a good guy then it's not fair to insist he stays in your life. If you can't cope with a relationship, that's ok and it's right to end it, but you can't keep him dangling on a string hoping you'll change your mind.

bloodrayne Mon 04-Jul-11 09:36:26

The CSA has been onto my ex, but as he is self employed he has managed to hide just how much he is earning so gets away with paying very little, and there isn't really anyone who could speak to him to make him see sense - A few of the mutual friends we had cannot stand him anymore, and would gladly punch his lights out but that would make no difference.

I don't know why I just fell out of love with my boyfriend though, its really hard to bring up my two children and it is such a shame that he is not their real dad as he is a much better role model for them.

As for him, I think he actually put me on a pedestal rather than the other way around. Right now I have no interest in being with anyone that way, whether its stress or hormones or everything getting on top of me, if as you say buzzsore, he isn't the right one for me - and I told him it was ok if he wanted to end it.

I just don't want to make any rash decisions but I have been worrying about this for quite a few weeks before I decided I had to tell him how I felt.

buzzsore Mon 04-Jul-11 09:52:49

Well, it sounds like the right thing then, if you're not in love with him anymore.

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