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Really does anyone's partner actually do half?

(27 Posts)
wildpoppy Sun 03-Jul-11 22:12:22

I have a six month old. My partner is great - he helps where he can giving me weekend lie ins and changing nappies and feeding the baby etc. But I still feel that he feels he is helping me out - his language even gives it away when he asks me what can he do to help me with the baby - after all, it's not my job that he is helping me with but both out jobs.

So this sounds narky but it's not - I appreciate all he does. I just want to know whether anyone actually has a partner who does do half when they are around? For example our baby is on medication - I always know whether she has had it or not and therefore whether she needs the next dose. My partner occasionally asks me if she has had it but not reliably, so effectively remembering her medication is my job even though we both can and do administer it.

Another example is pooing. The baby has trouble pooing sometimes. I always know when her last poo was - ie was it two hours ago or five days ago, and therefore does she need some medicine to help it come out. even though we both change nappies when around I bet my partner usually has no idea when the baby last did a poo.

does yours? Or is it always the mum who knows this kind of info and not the bloke too?

soymama Sun 03-Jul-11 22:23:07

My other half would walk on eggshells when our son was born! He would hang back a bit and watch. I thought he would be more hands on ( he has 11 brothers and sisters!) but now our son is two he does EVERYTHING)
He looks after him while I work and now starts telling ME what to do hmm
I'm sure once his confidence grows he will be more hands on. smile

ManicPanic Sun 03-Jul-11 23:22:30

My dh always did half with dd, but very little housework apart from the washing up.

Then I got bad depression (unrelated to his lack of housework... I think) and then he did everything for quite some time... Did him the world of good and me too as I don't rush to do things because I feel it's just 'my job.'

So fake some serious depression OP and see if it works for you too... You could try taking to your bed for a week, sighing a lot and banging on the floor when you need food / drink. grin wink

browneyesblue Sun 03-Jul-11 23:28:03

My DH is pretty hands on with everything. We are both self-employed, so work our schedules around each other so that one of us is around to look after DS. He does his share of nappies, night wakings, mealtimes and everything else, and has done for a long time. I would say we share parenting pretty equally.

Having said that though, there are some areas where one of us has to 'be in charge' for want of a better phrase, and medication falls into that area. If one of us takes responsibility for remembering when DS had his last dose/is due his next dose, it means that there are no accidental overdoses/missed doses due to lack of communication.

I always like to be that person <control freak emoticon>

DH would know when DS last had a poo though.

SheCutOffTheirTails Sun 03-Jul-11 23:33:13

Yep, DH does half, maybe more.

CelebratedMonkey Sun 03-Jul-11 23:40:31

DH definitely does half the work now - nappies, wake ups, mealtimes.

When I was on maternity leave I did all the nights, but my DS was breastfed and usually needed a feed back then.

He does sometimes ask silly questions though - like what food to offer, or questions about what he should wear, when nowadays we both spend the same amount of time with him - I think it's just a hangover from when I was on mat leave and never without DS, if you know what I mean.

Gay40 Sun 03-Jul-11 23:46:44

I would say over the years it has probably evened out as half, although there have been lengthy times where one of us have done more than the other due to circumstance. For example, when DP started a new job which was long hours and stressy, I did most of everything, but when DD was tiny, DP did more.
These days it's more evenly balanced.

Gay40 Sun 03-Jul-11 23:49:20

We also have a "one parent in charge of" with some things, like medication or a regular weekly activity. It frees the other parent up to think about other stuff.

letthembe Sun 03-Jul-11 23:54:25

My DH definitely does not do half, but he likes to think he does. We both work full time (both teachers - so it's pretty equal all round). DC are 8 and nearly 7 so increasing independence etc. Last week I cooked 6 out of 7 meals and washed up after most meals, he did today's dinner - I have refused to wash up and some of the things are left soaking in the sink. I am not doing it.
So this weekend, I got up both days about 7am, he got up 8am yesterday and 9am today (when I started hoovering). Yesterday, I took them both to a sports practice, then after lunch I took them to my dad's and went fruit picking; whilst he did a bit of food shopping (I've had to go to the 24hour garage to get extra packed lunch stuff). Today I took them to the library and then to the beach, whilst he stayed at home and felt poorly. He did manage to fold a bit of washing and get out the uniforms for tomorrow. But he has hardly spent any time with the children this weekend (or last) and when he does he is just ratty with them. I am starting to get really pissed off.
Sorry I hi-jacked your thread, just needed to let off steam.

nulgirl Sun 03-Jul-11 23:56:57

I do more childcare but he does the majority of the housework and diy. It has evolved that way but plays to both our strengths. I am better with the kids but really hate housework. He on the otherhand is very domestic and not so natural with the kids. When the dcs were very young I probably did about 90% of the childcare.

I think in the cases that you are talking about it would probably be natural for the person who is the main carer to take the lead and be in charge. It doesn't suggest that he is a negligent father.

Iteotwawki Mon 04-Jul-11 10:33:16

Mine does more than half, probably. Lunches, laundry, grocery shop, childcare while I work (only 1 at school), tax returns, house build management, coffee in mornings.... Can't remember the last time he had a lie in, but I get them every weekend.

Bloody hell, if he posted "should my DW be doing more?" on here he'd be told to get rid!

(will insist he gets at least one lazy morning every weekend from now on!)

Fennel Mon 04-Jul-11 10:36:22

My dp does half the childcare and half the housework, yes. There are some aspects of housework I do more of, and some he does more of, but childcare is 50:50. We started off like this when dd1 was a baby, and dp cut down his full time work to 2 days a week when I went back to work, so we've both worked part time for most of the time since having children.

He did ALL the nappies (changing and washing), the deal was I did the breastfeeding, he did the nappies. That worked well for us.

jjgirl Mon 04-Jul-11 11:42:46

my DH does way less than half of any housework and about 5% of childcare. He does do about 95% of the moaning which probably makes up his share he would think.

aliceliddell Mon 04-Jul-11 11:47:05

grin @ jj

practicallyimperfect Mon 04-Jul-11 11:52:49

Dh does 70% of housework because it bothers him more. I do more getting up with ds, but now he his older (nearly 2) dh does much more childcare, takes him out for days. We do half and half cooking.

Bumpsadaisie Mon 04-Jul-11 11:53:51

Well if I am at home I am no.1 in charge of childcare - though I delegate to DH and he does also look after DD on his own when I am not around. I am just much more clued up about all the DD issues - eg her foot size needs checking, she needs new pyjamas, it really is time we had a bash at potty training and moved her to a bed. These things probably wouldn't enter DHs head (well, the shoes one probably would if he saw her limping but not the others).

I don't mind - DH pulls his weight in other ways - managing all the finances, cooking supper, doing the supermarket shop, all the DIY and our loft conversion etc etc as well as working hard with a long commute.

He doesn't sit down from dawn to dusk at the moment so I can hardly complain. Yes I am always "on message" with DD at the moment, but I do get to MN while she plays etc. DH hasn't surfed the internet for about a month!

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Mon 04-Jul-11 17:02:54

Yes. My husband does half. There are times when he does everything. grin We don't operate from my jobs and his jobs. We operate from x, z, y needs doing. Either of us can do it. I mean, he does everything I do and always has done. I've never felt like the housework fairy. I used to think this was normal. It makes me feel sad that it really isn't. It should be. There is nothing in the male DNA that means they can't do all this stuff.

lazarusb Mon 04-Jul-11 21:41:28

Dh does at least half and will be doing more when I start Uni. He works full-time & I work part-time. That's what works for us and neither of us feel like martyrs to housework. Mind you, I grew up with a single dad who worked full-time and studied part-time so I didn't have the traditional gender stereotypes to look back on grin

CornedBeef Mon 04-Jul-11 21:48:06

DH does half whenever he is here, DD is 2 now but when she was tiny he did half the night feeds too.

jester68 Tue 05-Jul-11 08:00:06

Probably not completely half no.

I am a SAHM. I get up with the children in the week (we have 2 daughters, DD1 is 5 years old and DD2 is 1 years old). My partner will either be in bed as been working late shift/nights or be at work if doing early shift.

So I do school runs. Most laundry/ironing/putting away (though he will chuck a load in if he sees it and will hang out washing sometimes. I do general day to day sweeping, polishing, hoovering etc. But if he is working earlies so home in afternoon he will sweep through at night while I am putting the children to bed.

He usually baths them about twice a week.

I cook, and either of us will wash up depending on who gets there first.

He will hoover the stairs/landing a couple of times a week (I hate that job!)

I tend to keep the toilet clean.

Every weekend he has a major sweep downstairs (moving sofa out etc) and complete mop through.

He does all gardening and takes bins out on bin day.

I get up in night if either children wake up. We both have a lie in on weekends (take a day each).

I tend to take charge of medicine etc as can get confusing if others start giving it as well in case they forget to say. If I am going out I put the times down when medicine has been had, when can have next etc. If he does need to give it he will put a tick and write the time. But 9/10 times it is me.

When he is at home either of us will change nappies, depending on who notices it first

So he is pretty good really

CamperFan Tue 05-Jul-11 08:13:49

I'm a SAHM, but at the weekend it's 50/50 on house/kids, jobs split according to who's good at what! I will often "let" him do nicer jobs with the DC as he might nit have seen much of them in the week. OP, you shouldn't feel like he is helping you out with the baby, as you say, but esp if it's your first baby, the man will often look to the woman to find out how to do things, check they are doing things right etc and expect you to have more of a clue. We were a bit like this first time round - and I felt like I always had to be completely in control. Not so this time round.

I think my DH is fab - despite working/commuting up to 70 hours per week, he tries to make as much time as he can for not only the DC, but also housework. For the first 6 months of DS2's life he cleaned the kitchen every night, no matter how late he got home, so that I could get to bed earlier. <smug emoticon>

ruddynorah Tue 05-Jul-11 08:21:36

Yes mine does. He is home from work by 3 every day, at which point he takes over entirely with ds 18months. I go and collect dd 5yrs from school, bring her home, quick catch up then I go to work. So he does tea, homework, bath, bed. I do the morning stuff and look after ds upto 3pm.

Dh does all the washing. I do cleaning. I load the dishwasher, he unloads. I do the big shop online, he does the little top ups. And so on.

ruddynorah Tue 05-Jul-11 08:22:51

I should add, ds naps for 3hours too, so I only really 'look after' him for a few hours at all!

MinesaGandT Tue 05-Jul-11 08:30:25

Message withdrawn

otchayaniye Tue 05-Jul-11 09:52:34

I am very lucky (I really do feel blessed in this regard, not everything in life has gone well for me) that I have a husband who does more than half. well, half, but right now actually works two night shifts (and only sleeps 4 hours max on those days he's catching up on sleep) and looks after our daughter on the three days I work.

He cooks half, or more, of the meals and does most of the washing. We have a cleaner, but he always has the place tidy. He takes our daughter out on one or two activities (zoo, playgroup, gambado, museums, park, etc) every day.

We are expecting another daughter very soon and he is keeping his flexible working for six months or so to help.

He obviously didn't breastfeed and I find I'm better at putting our nosferatu daughter to bed so I do that all the time (still feeding 2-1/2 years on) but I feel he more than pulls his weight.

I am actually in awe of him as before we had our daughter he had hired a nanny and bought the Gina Ford book (he tore it up) and said he'd never change a nappy.

I am the only person I know that has this arrangement, however. Most friends I know with kids have partners who work full time and who pursue hobbies on their own at the weekend. I think they look down on my husband for being a bit odd, or they find him smug (he's a real APer) or just generally find the whole SAHD thing unsettling and weird.

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