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(26 Posts)
yellowraincoat Sun 03-Jul-11 16:22:11

i'm just looking for some advice really. My boyfriend and i have been having a hard tme. I have mental health problems and it is so hard to deal with them. I shout at him a lot. I know it is wrong but i get so angry and scared that he will leave and in the last couple of months we have been on the brink of splitting many times.

Last week he said we should try. I have. Been staying at a friends house t give us both some space. He has now said he prefers living alone and that we should find separate flats. I do not know if i can afford to stay in london alone.

Also i just dont know if i could forgive him for splitting up our home. I love living with him. We just have so many problems. My heart feels like it is breaking. He used to be my best friend but he is so into having his own life that i get pushed aside all the time. I feel so sad.

TheOriginalFAB Sun 03-Jul-11 16:24:02

I don't see that he has split up your home. He has asked for a break and now wants a split. It was probably what he wanted originally but didn't have the balls to say so. You would be better off with someone with back bone but concentrate on getting yourself well first.

fastweb Sun 03-Jul-11 16:37:12

There are three things that need separate, but equally important focus.

1) Your mental health. It might be worth an appointment with your primary MH doc to update them on your situation and see if they wish to tweak any programme you have or instigate a more frequent appointment schedule to catch any issues due to circs as they arise.

2) The practical aspect of where you are going to live. Does your income allow you to set aside a deposit or look into flat share ASAP and would your friend let you stay until that point ? If not London who could you go and stay with elsewhere while you get yourself back on your feet ? I'd check out CAB and see if his actions have effectively made you homeless from the housing authority perspective and see if that will get you any extra help in terms of sorting out somewhere to live. Was it his flat or did you have joint tenancy ?

3) Your grief. You need support and time. Time will take care of itself, do you have a RL support network where you are now ? Have you told them what has happened.

I'm so sorry love, I know it feels like the end of the world. It isn't, you will get through this, but it sure as hell feels like it when it happens.

HerHissyness Sun 03-Jul-11 16:38:43

Ok, tough love time here, sorry, but this is how I see it. I'm here to help btw, not hurt.

You say you shout at him a lot.

You say you get so angry and scared that he will leave.

Yet you shout at him. A lot.

TBH, I don't blame him for wanting to stay where he is. Alone. he's not getting shouted at.

You have depression or MH issues, that's one thing, but why are you using that as an excuse to shout at someone? verbally abusing them? You have no right, nor justification to do that to another living soul.

Sure we all get frustrated and the one closest to us, can get some of the flack, but that doesn't sound as if it's the case here is it?

If you love living with him, why are you shouting at him? He's not splitting you home up, your behaviour is.

You are not being pushed aside, this man is protecting himself from an earful. I don't blame him.

So as you don't discount what I am saying as I don't know what I'm talking about... I had the deepest darkest depression for years. Not even my therapist thought I'd make it, and I very nearly didn't. Only thanks to an A&E department am I still here.

Why on earth are you so scared he will leave you? If he were your best friend and you treated him as such, why on earth would he leave?

The other thing is, if a person wants to leave, then the relationship is not as fully functional as the other person thinks it is. If they want to go, let them. Begging them, pleading with them or yelling at them to stay won't work. They have to want to stay. The longer you cling on to someone that doesn't want to be clung on to, the more of a pounding your self esteem takes.

Take this time alone to look at yourself, see what this behaviour is giving you, how it is rewarding you for sticking with it and then make some decisions. Ideally to will yourself, to boot yourself back into a more normal and happy day-to-day. 'Fake it till you make it' if you have to grin

You don't have to let your moods wreck your life. Get some CBT, some help and some meds if that's what works and look at those around you with some more sympathy and kindness. Right now you need RL help and support, so shouting and ranting at them will drive them all away and feed whatever depressive demon you have. You are fighting a war with a MH demon, you have to fight hard to win, but you will win, every single time.

Take charge of your life. Love yourself, the rest will follow.


ImperialBlether Sun 03-Jul-11 16:50:52

Fantastic advice, HerHissyness and so sorry you understand the problem so well.

yellowraincoat Sun 03-Jul-11 16:55:09

I dont know how to stop being angry at him.

TheOriginalFAB Sun 03-Jul-11 16:56:23

What are you angry with him about?

yellowraincoat Sun 03-Jul-11 16:59:04

All the times he has left me. All the times he has not answered his phone when we should be meeting. The fact he leaves the flat in a state and doesnt pay the bills. How he never changes his behaviour even when he says he will.

kayah Sun 03-Jul-11 16:59:38

have you ever seen anyone about your anger issues?

HerHissyness Sun 03-Jul-11 17:06:00

Honey. He has left you many times?, and leaves you in the shit too?

TBH, you may have a point at shouting at him.. grin

LET HIM GO! I'm willing to bet that the struggle you are having trying to keep this relationship going no-matter-what will be seriously contributing it not actually CAUSING your depression.

With hindsight, it's what lead me down that dark path.

Take back your life. You can't afford to live in london on your own?, go and find a flat share, or go and get a job somewhere you CAN afford.

Don't pin your life on someone who is - for whatever reason - not there for you. That way only madness lies. Trust me.

The longer you hang on, the more damage this will do, to you, to your 'relationship' and to your future. Stop the rot. Today.

You don't have kids, you are not married, it's not working.

Once you make the decision to look after yourself and your own best interests, it gets a lot easier.

SpringchickenGoldBrass Sun 03-Jul-11 17:06:27

Well it sounds like getting rid of him is the best thing that could have happened. If he is a lazy selfish parasite, you don't need him anyway. Try to look on it as a good thing, not a bad one - and work on getting yourself well with the help of MH professionals, so that as and when you date someone else, you will be doing so from a position of strength and not desperation.

yellowraincoat Sun 03-Jul-11 17:11:28

If i thought he wasnt worth it, i would leave him. I love him. We have so much fun together. But when i get down, i get angry. I get upset with everything he does. Then he leaves me because im horrible to him. I dont want to split up, i want to make things better.

HerHissyness Sun 03-Jul-11 17:18:45

But he doesn't seem to think YOU are worth it.

At the moment, perhaps he may have a point. He certainly isn't standing by your side, your self esteem and self belief is dying day by day, he walks out and you collapse.

What on earth are you getting out of this? How much more of this are YOU going to put up with? How much more do you think HE will? Perhaps you need to see that the ship has already sailed?

As SGB says, desperation is not the right way to go about this, it's such an unattractive quality.

HerHissyness Sun 03-Jul-11 17:19:54

These anger issues... is it just HIM you direct them at? or do you have anger management issues with everyone?

fastweb Sun 03-Jul-11 17:21:30

Been staying at a friends house t give us both some space. He has now said he prefers living alone and that we should find separate flats

I may have got the wrong end of the stick, was it him who went to stay with a friend, not you?

yellowraincoat Sun 03-Jul-11 17:24:24

I am staying at a friends. I get angry at him i guess, not really others.

I cant imagine my life without him. He is the only person i have ever loved and who has loved me. He just cant handle it when i get angry.

HerHissyness Sun 03-Jul-11 17:26:15

Eek, don't want my post to be mis-read.

YOU are worth better than all of this. YOU need to love yourself more and demand better for yourself.

That starts with your own demeanour and behaviour. When you start treating others as you wish to be treated yourself, you have half a chance of getting some of it back.

YOU don't deserve a guy in your life that doesn't bother to pick up the phone when you are supposed to be meeting. You live with him and he STANDS YOU UP? Show him the DOOR FFS!

He leaves the flat in a tip, doesn't pay the bills? I don't call that FUN. No-one does either!

have some pride, don't allow yourself to be trapped in a disfunctional relationship that is making you seriously miserable most of the time, paranoid and clingy.

Come on girl, shake yourself out of this fog and come have a proper happy life with others that do care about you. Stop the shouting and ranting, write it down, shut the book and come back when you are calm. challenge every single ranty statement you write and test them. You'll know if you are justified in ranting or not.

Take a breath, take some time and think before you get cross.

HerHissyness Sun 03-Jul-11 17:27:18

How old are you?

This is not love. Not even close to love.

Demand more, demand better and work hard to get it.

yellowraincoat Sun 03-Jul-11 17:29:07

Im 28. I dont want to leave him, i love him. He loves me, i know he does. We've just let things get bad.

HerHissyness Sun 03-Jul-11 17:31:43

If you don't check this, your verbal abuse will be so engrained that you won't be able to stop it.

then you will be an abuser. Someone who can't control their anger with their DP, but can blooming well find away to be nice to everyone else.

Abusive men blame depression, the partner, everyone and everything except the one and only person that actually COULD have done something about it.


Get help from a Dr if you need it, get some therapy, read some self help books, and calm down. Stop shouting. It'll alienate you from everyone.

HerHissyness Sun 03-Jul-11 17:34:31

Yeah, that's what I thought about my X at 28.

Fighting the truth almost cost me my life.

It's not working. not for either of you.

Take a break, see how you feel when everything has cooled down a bit. Take the time to work on yourself. get to know who you are, what you need.

yellowraincoat Sun 03-Jul-11 17:35:00

I am seeing a therapist. I do shout less now, but still get angry. Just take it to another room. He says it is not enough, he hates me getting angry.

SpringchickenGoldBrass Sun 03-Jul-11 17:38:34

Look, this relationship is bad for you. And not doing him any good, either. He may well be selfish and lazy, or he may be so scared of your verbal abuse that he is avoiding you out of fear. Whatever: if he's had enough, he's had enough. Everyone is entitled to leave a relationship they no longer want to continue. Let him go and concentrate on yourself.

yellowraincoat Sun 03-Jul-11 17:41:13

I have to go. Thanks for the advice.

fastweb Sun 03-Jul-11 17:46:34

I am staying at a friends.

I am staying at a friends.

That is not love. A man who loves a woman does not trick her into moving out on the basis it is just for the purpose of giving each other a break and then drop it on her that not only has she lost her relationship she has also lost her home.

He is either not very nice, or really desperate. But what he is not, is in love.

You can't afford to deal solely with the grief first. It is Monday in the morning, you are going to need a plan ready to put into action for early next week about your housing situation. Friends can run out of patience quite quickly and beofre you know it you could find yourself spiraling into a position where you run out choices and end up with a very limited range of options that do not appeal, cos you simply ran out of time.

Is the tenancy in both your names ? Is there a CAB office near you ? Has your friend given you an idea of how long they are willing to put you up ? Are you in a fit state to go to work tomorrow and can you tell your boss the truth or do you need to come up with an excuse tonight ? What is happening about your access to your stuff at the home you shared ? How come you have to move out rather than him ?

If I could, I'd pull a duvet over you that stopped time, so you could grieve a little before having to roll up your sleeves and get on with the practicals. But I don't.

Do you have anybody in RL that could go with you to appointments with housing authorities, CAB or landlords etc to give moral support ?

Put it this way love, even if you two get back together it would be an extremely bad idea to move in together again because there are issues that need resolving that require each of having some personal space. And you can't put your trust in sharing accommodation with somebody who would drop homelessness on you when their tether gets to its end. Not twice. Which ever way it goes for the time being you are going to need a place that you can call home and know it isn't going to be snatched away irrespective of how a relationship is going.

If you take back control over your housing situation I promise it will give you the sensation that you are not so blown by the wind instead of having a say in your own destiny. That should help put you in a better position head wise to plead your case for your BF giving it another shot, should you still want that after a little time has past.

How is your relationship with your parents or sibs ? Can you call them for a shoulder to lean on and would they be prepared to help you take care of your housing situation ?

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