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I'm sure I'm normal ... lol ... just need some support really ...

(21 Posts)
TC123 Sun 03-Jul-11 09:13:38

In summary:
With ex for 23 years (married 15) 2 children
Discovered affair 2 years ago, worked to save for 1 year!! - split 14 months ago, parent ill/died at same time - now divorced and ex lives with OW he 'didn't have an affair with' (yeah, right!)
Finances sorted, about to move into new home ...

All good and positive (I can't believe how far I have come from the depressed person I was last year ... I feel at a loss that I seem to have gone back a bit), know that I would never want to be with ex BUT ... arrghhh, frustratingly ...
I appear to be getting worked up by little things that just keep culminating in tears

Ex sees the kids when it is convenient for him (there is a routine but if I try to flex it he refuses but for him it is OK!) Every other weekend
We both work (me from home!) which is uses and has our children for 2 weeks a year - he has 7 weeks annual leave a year
He is living the life of fully as single person (OW kids older and away from home) - holidays, weekends away, concerts, you name it ....
NOW - I don't actually care so much about him/her doing those things ... I seem to have this ridiculous voice in my head saying constantly ... this is SO UNFAIR ... I can't do these things, I have noone to do these things with, etc I feel like a child and want it to stop.
I have tried dating myself ... PoF really has made me think that all men are nutters or players (which I know can't be true) ...

So, at the moment I think life is unfair and I will be alone forever ... this really does make me feel very sad.
Can anyone give me some hope???? I really don't want to play a victim and know that the world is my oyster, I have 2 lovely children and my silly thoughts are just ruining what should be a happy time ...
D'oh ...

I have read lots of posting on this site and I must say what an inspiration you all are ...

Hope to hear back from some of you ...
Thanks! x

Ganshee Sun 03-Jul-11 09:26:45

Dear me - you've certainly been through the shredder - now you just have to get some Pritt stick out and stick all the pieces back together again.

Nah, not all men are nutters or players but what we do have as a common goal with women is wanting to be happy and satisfied with life and obviously you are not.

You had a good long run with your ex. You dont hear of many marriages lasting that long these days (well done you) but, just because your ex appears to be having a good time, doesnt necessarily mean that he is deep inside. I wouldnt dwell too much on it - you need to get your life back in gear and start enjoying things that you used to enjoy rather than concentrating on how he is progressing with things.

Find a hobby that interests you and join activity groups if you are short of friends. Try and get out more with your job if possible - it's a great way of meeting people with similar interests and finding that ultimate connection.

At the end of the day, only you can help yourself here. Get your confidence back and you will begin to shine again and start attracting those moths your way.

replacedmum Sun 03-Jul-11 09:27:56

I know exactly how you are feeling,i too have moved out,moved on etc...he has new woman,i think things may have been happening towards the end of our marriage break down with her,but i'll never know for sure.

I too have those thoughts of it's not fair,how dare he move on so quick,have so much free time to go out for drinks,meals etc...i fear i am becoming bitter and don't want to be.

The feelings i have are so conflicting,i absolutely don't want him back,have zero regrets,but then why is my mind full of anger and hurt?

Hoping time will sort it?hope it does for you too.

replacedmum Sun 03-Jul-11 09:29:38

lovely message Ganshee (even if it wasn't for me!!) grin

TC123 Sun 03-Jul-11 09:37:02

Thanks Ganshee ... thanks for your kind words ... I know it is time that will heal ... I just seem to have the patience of a gnat at the moment. Replacedmum ... I know it's really not a nice place to be but its comforting to know we're not alone ... absolutely same thinking .. no regrets about him whatsoever, cheating ex v a world of opportunities is no competition ... I just seem to be able to articulate what I should be doing but I let myself down by NOT doing it!!! Madness ...

replacedmum Sun 03-Jul-11 09:49:18

you're right,it is good to know you are not alone,it just shows that the emotions we are going through are normal (although they don't feel it!)

When you have children with someone and you split you can't just forget about them and move on,you have to keep in contact,hand over the kids to them for contact,smile and be civil...i'd find it so much easier if i didn't have to see him again but that's not how it is,i guess like with anything new it takes time to adjust.

fastweb Sun 03-Jul-11 10:22:12

If you had a bad accident, which left you rather broken, you would expect after the immediate healing to go through a period of rehabilitation to complete the process right ?

Well being shattered emotionally is the same. You do the uphill work of the immediate healing and the results are very obvious when you compare then and now. The rehab bit is harder in some ways because the improvements are so much more subtle which makes them hard to notice or measure, so you feel stuck.

If your doc can organize some solo therapy for you I think one of the benefits is that they are able to show you where you are making improvements and getting better. They may even be able to show you how to make the journey faster and easier on you.

If that is not an option then maybe a mood diary that you review every couple of months to underline for yourself that you are not in stasis.

It does get better love, it really really does, but when you are in the middle of it, it feels like it takes forever. I had no idea that i had finally made it out of the tunnel until I was long out of it. suddenly struck me one day that I was no longer sad and weighed down by what had happened. The lifting of the sadness, the mourning, the sense of injustice, the overcast nature of my internal weather was so subtle that I simply hadn't noticed any improvements going on at all.

Remember that "moving on" is meant to be a process, not a timetable shaped stick to beat you with as a form of invalidating the enormity of what happened to you.

madonnawhore Sun 03-Jul-11 10:48:04

What fastweb said. You have been through massive emotional upheaval with the break up and then terminal illness and death of your parent, plus moving house. All of life's most stressful events happening to you in one year.

While it was all going on I expect you just went into survival mode. When I went through a similar period of shitstorm myself, I coped really well and found myself being very efficient and productive and proactive. It was only once the shitstorm passed and I was in a safe place, that I unravelled a little bit - because it was all over and I was in a safe place to process what had happened to me.

Your ex can move on so easily because he is obviously selfish and entitled and focussed only on his own desires and fulfilment. We know this because he was able to have an affair in the first place and is now being shit about seeing his children. It's no wonder he's able to move on so easily. As long as he's alright, he's alright.

It's harder for you because you are obviously a compassionate and caring person and so care about how this is impacting others as well as yourself. Quite right, but still double the worry!

Don't expect too much from yourself so soon after everything. Give yourself a break and make sure you have some proper time to heal. Everything is K now, and it will be in the future. Use this quiet period to regain your strength.

Wisedupwoman Sun 03-Jul-11 13:57:00

What a fab post*fastweb*.

I'm at a similar place to you OP -all the immediate stuff is over and now I'm a bit like a boat without a sail!

But I do notice the differences in me - like for example no longer feeling a sudden gut-wrench if I go to a place where we used to go together, that sort of stuff. It ain't over yet but it will be.

Keep going, I'm in solo therapy and it really does help alot so if you can access some I'd say try, you've got nothing to lose IME.

joblot Sun 03-Jul-11 17:00:01

On another note, pof is pretty low brow (I know from experience) so maybe try guardian soulmates or similar?
Evening classes are great for meeting people too. Or just don't bother, its so much easier being single

TC123 Sun 03-Jul-11 18:08:45

Thanks you all for your supportive messages back ... I'm really glad I posted :-) as your comments have made me think slightly differently today. I think sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees and when you look at it in a different light I guess ... I know I have come a long way, its just sometimes it creeps up and gives me an almighty wallop, lol ... I've never thought about it before ie survival mode and then the 'other' side of that ... it makes absolute sense! I think at some points you make absolute strides forward and think 'yes' which makes the down days so bloody irritating!
Well I've had a lovely day today with me 2DC's ... fun in the sun, with just a slight hint of sadness!
joblot ... yep, pof does appear that way, I think I kept thinking well I'm normal and on here, there MUST be some male equivalents ... so I've took a deep breath and am very definitely going to concentrate on a bit of me time ... I guess I have this opportunity now to re-define myself and challenge myself to think outside of the box!!!
Onwards and forwards ... :0

anothermum92 Sun 03-Jul-11 20:07:40

Message withdrawn

TC123 Sun 03-Jul-11 21:02:22

Thanks anothermum! It is wonderful the support that this site offers ... it is very uplifting to know that there are people who take the time out to offer help, advice and well kindness ...

TalesOfTheUnexpected Mon 04-Jul-11 08:12:56

You're doing well and it's entirely normal to have the feelings and thoughts you are having. I'm tied to the house and children and I do get resentful sometimes that my ex is coming and going as he pleases (but then again, he's missing the children so it's a bit of a double-edged sword iyswim).

As for PoF, been there, done that. You really need to move to a more upmarket site. Is it still free? The one's where you have to pay do tend to have slightly better fellas grin, but there are a lot of nutters out there.

Good luck. It sounds like you have your head screwed on.

TC123 Mon 04-Jul-11 19:23:27

Tales, thanks!
Yep, it is still free! I think that I've learnt over the months that I have been off and on it, hehe, and have finally decided yep, single is better at the moment. I just need a snuggle buddy every now and again! Note I said snuggle, lol!!
I have decided to concentrate solely on me and my 2DC's for a good few months .... no complications, just fun! x

Ganshee Mon 04-Jul-11 22:37:46

You can never have enough snuggles. Take care TC123

kaluki Tue 05-Jul-11 12:25:19

TC123 - my advice would be to stay away from PoF.
I registered after my divorce and was shock at the men on there and it put me off dating for life ages.
I know that feeling of resentment so well in my case ExH bought a lovely 4 bed house with OW and her dc while I was left renting a poky little council house with our dc and he took OW and her ds on fancy holidays while I was on benefits and struggling to feed mine.
But since then, I have met my lovely DP, we have a nice house and I'm happier than ever. ExH is now living with his parents after OW fleeced him and ran off with someone else - KARMA!!!!

kaluki Tue 05-Jul-11 12:25:19

TC123 - my advice would be to stay away from PoF.
I registered after my divorce and was shock at the men on there and it put me off dating for life ages.
I know that feeling of resentment so well in my case ExH bought a lovely 4 bed house with OW and her dc while I was left renting a poky little council house with our dc and he took OW and her ds on fancy holidays while I was on benefits and struggling to feed mine.
But since then, I have met my lovely DP, we have a nice house and I'm happier than ever. ExH is now living with his parents after OW fleeced him and ran off with someone else - KARMA!!!!

TC123 Wed 06-Jul-11 21:45:35

Karma indeed Kaluki ... I could do with some Karma!! ... where did you meet your lovely DP?

kaluki Thu 07-Jul-11 11:08:08

I met him through a friend TC123.
I wasn't looking, I had pretty much given up on men altogether and was actually very happy being single, I had a nice life, great friends, a good job, good social life and really couldn't be bothered with the whole dating malarky.
Then I went for a drink one night with friends and there he was. The rest is history.

TC123 Thu 07-Jul-11 13:07:04

Thanks kaluki ... I'm at the pretty much given up altogether stage ...
but its lovely to hear it 'does' happen ... I think we must all think at some stage ... 'am I going to be by myself forever' ... I actually quite like it sometimes but just wish I had that crystal ball that I could just glipse and see me smiling, happy and with somewho I really love and loves me back ... take care xx

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