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how to survive an affair

(12 Posts)
Fightingforlove Sat 02-Jul-11 23:23:54

I found out last year, while pregnant that my H had a "one night stand" that produced a child. The women knew he was married but still went ahead with the pregnancy, she knows me and my family. When i found out i was devastated. like most women I've blamed myself why didn't I see the signs, how could he do this to our family. We talk he has answered most of my question but i have never had a satisfactory answer to "why" it happened? I put it down to what he thought would be a free f**k. I've talked to friends all of whom say we can work through it..... sometimes i'm not sure i want too. I've told him how i feel, and that his actions have made me very insecure, so now when he goes out with friends an comes in late I rant, he doesn't understand. We went with the women and at the time i felt sorry for her, I know she as been involved with someone before who was in a relationship, but that didn't stop her then. H feels like an idiot for what he has done. The child will be visiting or home soon and although I know that it is not her fault, i can't help but feel a bit apprehensive about this. I've been reading the above and hope someone will be able to help.

Ganshee Sat 02-Jul-11 23:44:17

Although many people will probably not agree with me, just because a man has an affair does not mean that he doesnt love you or care for you. Life can be complicated at times. People do connect - it's human nature. Look in the tabloids - even the celebrities have a difficult time with this.

Your husband admits he was an idiot - he obviously felt an attraction for this woman and it went too far. Now it's up to you to look to the future and decide what's best for you both.

If you still love your husband, I would stand by him and be supportive. Life sometimes hits you hard but he has decided to stay with you and admit his foolishness. You're certainly not alone in this. He has chosen you. You need to sit down and speak to him. Tell him that you still love him and stand by his side.

Whatever you do, don't feel insecure. It's your life as much as it is his and you should be enjoying what you have in life and doing your best for your children.

Do let me know how you get on and stay strong.

Fightingforlove Sun 03-Jul-11 00:10:42

Ganshee, thank you and I will.

Doha Sun 03-Jul-11 00:20:17

Well the fact that your DH was not only putting his dick into someone else, he didn't have the decency to use a condom.
That for me is a complete deal breaker. I hope you have had an STI check.
The OW would be more than welcome to him YUK

Fightingforlove Sun 03-Jul-11 00:29:46

They both say Condom was used and came off. As for OW having him, I know he would rather die than b with her it was never that kind of relationship just sex.

Doha Sun 03-Jul-11 03:02:39

That comment was awful
Yeah yeah, the condom came off and pigs fly all over the sky.
I pity the DC born as a result of that mistake. I hope he/she never hears their father say that he would rather die than be with the mother.
That is one of the worst comments l have ever read on MN.
What a jerk

Fightingforlove Sun 03-Jul-11 14:34:50

Doha, I'm not sure if I'm on the right track with you but it seems that ur feeling towards H are really hard, u haven't taken into account that the DC mother knew he was married, knows me and members of my family but still thought it was ok to have sex with him regardless of what could happen, she herself has also stated that they are strangers, so H could be a wife beater but that didn't deter her. As a women I would think twice before sleeping with a man I hardly knew, but was aware that he was in a relationship, as i'm sure you would. And don't get me wrong i'm not saying what he has done is fine no way, and yes it is very hard and i'm really trying to deal with it the best way for the sake of my family. I love my husband and entered into the union faults and all.

I wonder have you ever been the other women in a situation like this? or have you had to find out that someone you loved very much had cheated on you? Because like you i always thought that there would be only one solution to this type of situation and that would be to cut the mans dick off and feed it to the dogs and then yes let her have him. but it's always easy to say that until it happens to you and you have to think through the whole thing.

I didn't really make my posting for judgement or criticism it was more about finding out from people how they survived or if there was a way to survive, so thanks for your thought.

Fightingforlove Sun 03-Jul-11 14:43:17

Doha, I think you also missed the point of he is having regular contact with DC, so not sure why you feel he needs to be in a relationship with the mother unless of course that is you?

buzzsore Sun 03-Jul-11 15:34:13

I think Doha meant what your man was saying about the OW (who is now the mother of his child) was incredibly disrespectful. The child will love both its parents and they should try to speak respectfully about each other.

fuzzywuzzy Sun 03-Jul-11 15:42:51

OP, have you considered counselling, for yourself and as a couple?

You seem to be really lenient on you H taking everything he says as gospel, while the heaping the blame on the OW, it takes two to have an affair. I also think Doha has a point, I really would get checked for STI's and insist on H getting a check too, if he's had unprotected sex (unprotected enough to get someone pregnant!), you need to take care of your sexual health.

I've personaly never been an OW, but I have been married to someone who had affairs, so I'm suggesting what I personally would do in your situation.

buzzsore Sun 03-Jul-11 15:56:53

To your original post, I think you have to decide if you really want to work things through - you're not sure, but your friends think you can? Well, it's not them who has to live it.

It can be done, but he doesn't honestly sound like he's prepared to give you a lot in order to rebuild trust. He seems to just think you should accept his word he won't do it again? He's still going out like he used to and doesn't understand your insecurity?

I think counselling together might be a good option, if you do want to get through this. And he should be taking responsibility and not badmouthing the OW.

Fightingforlove Mon 04-Jul-11 08:41:24

Thank you all for your comments. I am not putting all the blame on the OW, as i do agree it does take two and yes he should have stayed home. I think that these days there are too many people prepared to sleep with people in relationships for their own gratification, it would be much harder for anyone to have an affair if it wasn't so easy.
Thank you for your comments, and yes I will consider counselling.

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