Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

nosey parents

(6 Posts)
mousymouse Sat 02-Jul-11 15:14:01

my parents, esp my mother a a bit on the controlling side, my mother is possibly a bit narc.
we don't have a great relationship, I'm the one of my siblings to not take shit and speak out when I don't agree.
we live far apart in a different country so only see each other a few times a year and keep contact by phone.
I try not to tell them too much about family decisions, as they question everything from choice of pushchair to me working and having the dc vaccinated. it stresses me out and makes me angry. esp that I always fall for their questions and then feel angry again because I told them more than I should...phonecalls often end with arguments and me putting the phone down.
gosh that is difficult to put in words.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Sat 02-Jul-11 16:07:56

Disengage:

Observe their behaviour rather than being drawn in and upset by it (takes practice!)

Ask them questions when phoning and let them witter on about themselves; don't volunteer any personal information of your own. When questioned about you, just say: "Oh, everything's fine, nothing new."

Join the Stately Homes thread!

mousymouse Sat 02-Jul-11 16:56:22

hmm, I always thought that it is/was not bad enough iyswim.
but will have a look.
I am making progress, I learnt that I can put the phone down (instead of screaming and crying) and that I don't need to answer the phone every time. but the mixed emotions of guilt and anger are getting to me.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 02-Jul-11 18:47:47

Hi mousymouse,

Re your comment:-

"hmm, I always thought that it is/was not bad enough iyswim"

You are not the first one to express such thoughts but those feelings above are truly misplaced. It is and was "bad enough"; it affected you deeply and still does to this day. Many adults who were children of toxic parents have FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

If your mother is indeed both a controller and a narcissist, the Stately homes thread would be a very good place indeed to post on.

I would suggest you read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and "Children of the self Absorbed". You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by the same author.

Ganshee Sun 03-Jul-11 00:47:29

Some people 'try to help' and involve themselves in every part of your life whether it's welcome or not. I don't think it's malicious - it's probably just the way they are.

The only way to stop this is by learning to become assertive and as, ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow, mentions, try not to be upset by it. If anything, try and take it with a pinch of salt and do what you think is right anyway.

Life is too short. Enjoy it and try to find the comical side in their interference.

FabbyChic Sun 03-Jul-11 13:36:47

Tell them you are an adult and any decisions you make if they turn out to be the wrong ones, only you has to be privy to the consequences.

When you get to be an adult that is what life is about making your own decisions, and bearing the brunt of any problems they cause.

Don't tell them anything at all and minimise contact.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now