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Not sure where to put this..... BDSM interest... need female advice I think.

(23 Posts)
nervousnewbie Sat 02-Jul-11 11:25:43

Okay! I am NOT in fact a newbie here but am namechanging as I feel very self conscious about this.

I have had an interest in mild BDSM for a long time and have never been able to come to terms with it. It's at odds with everything about me (am very in control and sure of myself) and also at odds with everything I have stood for and learned in life.

Four years ago I separated with my husband - we remain on good terms but our marriage is dead - he lives 170 miles away from me and DS.

Recently I went into counselling and the counsellor asked if I was dating. I said No and he asked "why not"? Fair point - why not indeed?. Well self esteem is shite for a start, don't like myself in the mirror although I know some things I can change.

Anyhow I started thinking a bit more about things and I know if I do date again I need to find someone who accepts my kinky side too. I registered some years ago on a BDSM site but rarely posted there, just read messages and personals now and then.

Anyhow I was brave and have posted a personal ad explaining what I was looking for (ie - not a none night stand but an ongoing relationship) and had loads of responses. Some were quite frank in what they wanted to "do" to me hmm but some were thoughtful and interesting.

Anyway - I have been emailing a potential friend on and off for the past few weeks and we seem to have lots in common (aside from the obvious), our music tastes are similar, our sense of humour seems well matched etc and he comes across as a nice guy. I have suggested we meet for a coffee initially to see if there is any spark there and he has sent me his mobile number.

So - what now? I am feeling really anxious and already getting cold feet. This is nothing to do with the man I am talking to but my own anxieties about what I am doing and my guilt about this kink of mine.

I have chatted to some people in the chat room on the site and see similar names coming up regularly. One of the women lives nearby and seems fairly into the whole scene of it all. She has said I can run any names by her as she knows several people (although not my potential friend). The site moderator has said the same because he said he didn't want me meeting up with any "nutters" (his words).

For anyone wondering - it's nothing dreadful - just spanking, but it's a desire which has always been there for me and I cannot ignore it any longer. The website people are great but I need people NOT on the website but au fait with the whole internet dating thing to put in their thoughts.

Please note - I don't need negativity about my kink - I don't know why it's there, it always has been and I need to accept it because not accepting it has left me feeling very low about myself. I am who I am, and I am a nice person who does a great deal for others.

I know from other threads that some here have this kink too hence posting here.

Xales Sat 02-Jul-11 11:36:09

Were you happy not dating until it was brought?

There is nothing wrong with not dating. In fact I think it is probably better not to date a lot of men especially considering some of the posts on here about women who have met wierdos off the internet lol (yes I know there are some good ones).

Wondering why you have started to do this since the counseller mentioned it.

Perhaps you are not ready yet, perhaps it is just normal nerves.

If you meet for a coffee in a nice public place then you don't ever have to see him again if you don't want to.

I don't see spanking as kinky to be honest. I don't see anything that 2 mutually consenting adults do respectfully to or with each other as wrong. Doesn't mean I would want to do some of it but doesn't bother me if they do grin

SarahStratton Sat 02-Jul-11 11:49:24

I like that sort of stuff and I'm someone who has to be in control of the rest of my life. I think, for me, that is what it is all about. It's the one place where I actively want someone to be in control of me so I can 'let go'.

Spanking isn't really kinky. Spanking, if done properly, releases endorphins which make you feel good and heighten your senses. It can be very, very good.

I'd certainly run his name past the others, and make sure you only meet in public places until you are sure you are comfortable with him. All the usual precautions for dating really.

Nothing that 2 consenting adults do together is wrong, provided it is mutually wanted and doesn't affect others.

nervousnewbie Sat 02-Jul-11 12:04:15

Thank you for the responses so far... glad that nobody has held their hands up in the air at this.

Good point re the counsellor and my looking since then. I have been fairly happy to a point in NOT dating but it has become a habit and deep down I know I would love to start meeting people again. I just know I cannot ignore this bit of me either. Thank you Sarah for your contribution - yes I noted your name previously as someone who wasn't bothered in saying "actually I like it so what's the problem" on the thread about "women who like being spanked are weird". Yes I agree about the endorphins.

The man I am talking with says that if we do go ahead with it then the first time will be very muted to see if I actually really like it in reality. He is saying very much "IF" and I like that he is not being pushy with me. He has also talked about what feelings I might experience as a result. We have not even discussed s.e.x but am assuming if it all goes well that this might be a natural progression.

Initially tho he is talking coffee and a local art gallery - I like this smile rather than anything else. This is important as if we cannot connect on an intellectual level there is little hope it will work on any other level either.

He has not been to any events (hence not being well known by anyone else). He says he finds these events full of people who want to put their kink on display and he doesn't find that appealling. I suppose it's like any other "scene" - my gay friend hates the gay "scene" but my gay cousin loves it - vive la difference.

Maybe I am not quite ready to meet him as yet - time will tell.

ImperialBlether Sat 02-Jul-11 12:18:56

Is this man single? Has he had a marriage/long term relationship? Have you talked to him on the phone a lot?

pixielovescake Sat 02-Jul-11 12:30:14

Hi , i just wanted to drop in and say what you like doesnt seem weird at all to me and i cant believe people would think so ! And for what its worthbi find being bitten ( not too hard ) quite enjoyable. And if people think its odd, well i dont care.

pixielovescake Sat 02-Jul-11 12:35:21

And he sounds pretty decent , talked you through what might be different , is taking it slowly and is quite happy so see you for a non sexual get to know you date.

SarahStratton Sat 02-Jul-11 12:36:43

No I like being bitten (and biting) too.

Seriously, sex is supposed to be good and life enhancing. That's your life that it's supposed to be enhancing. Along with your partner. So if it's what you both want and like, and it doesn't affect anyone else, then it a) has nothing to do with anyone else, and b) there is nothing wrong with it.

I love sex. I have no hang ups and would never be shocked at anything others get up to. On the proviso that nobody else gets hurt.

Ganshee Sat 02-Jul-11 12:37:31

First and foremost, I must say, please don't feel that you're strange and don't be self conscious about your desire to spank. We're all human and we all have our own fantasies that we play with in our heads.

Regarding it, I'm sure most men will oblige and not be fazed by a little spanking now and again, especially if you put a little bit of extra effort and wear a saucy outfit for them.

I would probably not tell future prospective boyfriends initially that you are into spanking (you dont want to scare the more timid away). I would gradually bring it into the relationship a little at a time; perhaps do it once to test the water and mention that you found it exciting and ask if you can do it again.

That way, he will feel more comfortable with your fantasy and perhaps feel a bit special that you find it exciting with him. You may even find he enjoys it tremendously himself. It's doubtful that he would push you away and tell you that he doesn't like it and not to do it again.

Anyway, enjoy experimenting and don't ever feel negative about your kink.

SarahStratton Sat 02-Jul-11 12:42:48

I don't think I've ever met a man who hasn't wanted to spank grin

Have fun and report back.

Xales Sat 02-Jul-11 12:49:56

I agree with Sarah even the ones who say oh no couldn't do that, enjoy actually doing it grin

nervousnewbie Sat 02-Jul-11 15:40:42

Thank you for the contributions. I will get hold of a SIM card for my phone and keep that number for him. That way if he turns out to be a real weirdo I can ditch the SIM and block his emails.

He doesn't seem like a weirdo though, just a guy who is into spanking with a woman into being spanked. He has been married and remains on good terms with his ex-wife and pays her to do some cleaning for him. She is NOT into this kink at all. He has had two other precious girlfriends who were but that is as much as I know.

Tbh it's been so long since I dated anyone I am not sure what questions to ask anymore. Will just follow usual safety precautions I think.

Rockerchic Sat 02-Jul-11 15:54:53

Just be yourself and act how you normally do,hes probably not a weirdo and just likes the same sort of things you do. It is something I have explored in the past and me and DP so like BDSM occasionally.
I hope it works out and best of luck smile

Curiousmama Sat 02-Jul-11 16:00:23

You're totally normal. And good idea to have a dating phone. Go for the dating as he sounds nice but think the counsellor was out of order saying why not? hmm

garlicnutter Sat 02-Jul-11 18:04:55

You sound reasonably sane, are taking safety measures and seem to have found a very nice kinky website (nevr thought I'd write that!)

What strikes me as odd is meeting someone from this sexual starting point. You seem to be looking for a relationship rather than a purely sexual friendship, so I'm not sure this is the most rational way to go about it. Fair enough if you had a very unusual kink, and it was essential to you beyond other relationship factors, but most people can be persuaded to do a bit of spanking. Or you could meet people normally (ie, select those who seem compatible) and then break the news to them. Probably less than half would drop out.

Don't get me wrong - I hope this works out for you smile Just concerned that you may be 'stigmatising' yourself unnecessarily, thus limiting your options iyswim.

janajos Sat 02-Jul-11 19:10:59

I agree that although the spanking bit is not at all odd (I'm not into that, but if I wanted to try, I'm sure my husband would oblige!), but I'm not sure that setting about filtering prospective DP's from the pov of their sexual proclivities is the safest/most satisfying way to go about things.

nervousnewbie Sat 02-Jul-11 22:21:21

Will be totally honest and say that I am not sure this will lead to any relationship beyond a casual one.

I am reassured by how many people have it as a kink.

Although we are off to an art gallery and coffee I think he might be looking for a relationship based upon this kink. We'll see, I have his number and will do lots of talking on the phone before meeting up with him. Have read through some of his other messages on the forum and he is fairly experienced in this. It helps that I actually really like the look of him ( very fanciable).

Might get on to Match.com and proceed from there.

Funnily enough my very non kinky ex husband was a bit nonplussed by my kink but he tried it to please me and soon got into the swing of things.grin. Perhaps it's an "inner cave man" thing.

Ganshee Sun 03-Jul-11 00:01:35

Oh, we males all have an inner cave man thing. Trust me!

kayah Sun 03-Jul-11 00:56:10

One of best advise said was if you want to meet a to-be-bdsm partner is to ask them to meet you at a local munch.
No anonimity, people may know him.

If he is a poser - he is going to refuse meeting you in that kind of public place.

Good Luck to you and if you are unsure what to do next - go and post the same question on iC - you will get lots of good advice there.

BitOfFun Sun 03-Jul-11 02:10:01

WTF is a munch?

Ganshee Sun 03-Jul-11 05:32:44

A munch... Hmm - Breakfast cereal?

nervousnewbie Sun 03-Jul-11 09:34:24

BOF - a munch is a meeting/lunch type thing with other members of the forum. Lunch, chat, and glass of wine (or coke) with others who share the same kink. It's how you meet others in a safe way and get a feel for them.

I've never been to one and my would be partner finds them a bit "all display" which he finds too much. I reckon the crowd I am talking about will be in normal dress.
There is a munch near me in September and am toying with the idea of asking him if he will meet me there.

kayah Sun 03-Jul-11 09:35:07

A munch is a get together, usualy in a pub. No kinky dressin orplay, just a way to get to talk to other kinksters.
They are advertised on Fetlife and IC, hosted by someone who takes responsibility of turning up there to greet everyone.

I take OP must have heard about them.

there are also websites for likeminded spankees, but can't remember any of the top of my head.

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