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Boyfriend on swinging site :'(

(114 Posts)
noplacelikehome Sat 02-Jul-11 10:57:33

I'm sitting here in tears. I can't talk to anyone in RL about this as it's too personal. I desperately need advice.
What would you do if you found your boyfriend had an active profile on a swinging site?
I know the answer is to question him about it but I don't know how to broach it without bursting into tears. I can't find the words to say.
I only discovered it yesterday. We've been together for 12 months and hardly ever have sex as he struggles with light of this discovery, this problem is seemingly only with me although he's said time and again it's not me, what am I supposed to think now?
I have been patient and understanding re lack of sex and have told him to tell me if there's anything I could do to help.
I've encouraged him to be open with me.
On this site it says he's happily single and looking to bring fantasies to life.
He's never mentioned any of this to me but he knows I'd do anything he asked.
I was so happy til I found this but now I'm heartbroken .
Why is he doing this?
He doesn't know I know so where do I start?
I can't just ignore it but am frightened of what I'll hear if I start asking questions.
Any advice would be appreciated.

Trestired Sat 02-Jul-11 11:07:56

You know what the answer to this is.

What. A. Twat.

I know it's easier said than done, but really, he isn't sounding that great is he?

GypsyMoth Sat 02-Jul-11 11:10:39

How on earth did you find this? And are you completely sure it's him?

Do you think he has met up with people?

annieatnofour Sat 02-Jul-11 11:25:34

Oh you poor thing xx

I know how you feel - as iam have been through the same situation.

Do you want to confront him about this?
Can you live with it?

Take care of yourself, i will post more later ( see my thread Help and support needed)

noplacelikehome Sat 02-Jul-11 11:25:45

I know he goes on other forums, football ones and the like, not sex ones.
I know his username is the same on all forums he goes on.
I was googling his username trying to find a thread he'd posted on a football forum which he'd told me to have a look at as there were some funny replies.
Whilst I was googling a link to this swinging site came up with his user name and when I clicked it it went to his profile.
I know it's him. It's got his name, age, town, even a photo!
It lists several sexual preferences that he's never mentioned to me.
So hurtful as there is nothing that I would not be willing to do if asked.
I found this yesterday and he was showing online this morning so he's active on there.
I can see a message on there from a woman he met a couple of months ago so he's obviously meeting people isn't he?
There may be more private messages sent but I wouldn't see them as would need to log into his account to see them.
This is doubly hurtful as I have been married before but got divorced because my husband had an affair and left me so he knows I've been hurt in the past and I can't believe he would hurt me.
Not having much luck am I?
I was so happy til I found this.
We get on so well. Me and my kids adore him.

maleview70 Sat 02-Jul-11 11:26:35

Whilst he has an active profile, I would say that it is highly unlikely that he has taken part in anything. Swinging couples tend to prefer other couples.

These types of sites will be inundated with men and lets face it unless you look like Clooney as a single man you are unlikely to get chosen by the few couples that just want men to join them.

It is more than likely a fantasy that he is taking to the extreme. The danger is how far would he go?

What I would do is set up an account in your name, pretend you are part of a couple and then contact him. That will tell you if it is just fantasy or whether he would carry it through.

Its not a good sign though whatever the answer!

maleview70 Sat 02-Jul-11 11:28:25

didint see your last post. Its clear then that he would.

If he is intetested in swinging then thats up to him but going behind your back is the issue.

noplacelikehome Sat 02-Jul-11 11:28:26

Thanks annie.
Yes I do want to confront him but just don't know how to start.
I'm not making a big deal of it am I?
It's not just me that would be upset by this?
I'm frightened of what I'll hear.
I can't believe I'm going through this again when he knows I've been hurt in the past.

GypsyMoth Sat 02-Jul-11 11:30:57

Poor you. My ex was also on these, and found out same way as you.....good old google!

There is no way past this one IMO. Take time to think it over, then confront him with the evidence not just a suspicion. He will lie, but will be thinking on his feet.

Liluri Sat 02-Jul-11 11:31:31

How upsetting that this has come to light.

I think it would be worthwhile for him to make an appointment with his GP re the erection problem. Even better if he'd let you attend too, so you can discuss how the issues affect you too.
Whether it is a psychological issue, or a physical one, it is certainly worth seeking advice. Perhaps you could also access some counselling together.

I am not sure how I would react in a similar situation, but I think perhaps I could deal with it if he hadn't been physical with anyone else, and if he agreed to see the GP.

I certainly wouldn't be able to ignore it, and would tell him that I know about his online activity.

Only you can decide what you find acceptable though, so don't be persuaded to go along with anything you don't want to.

GypsyMoth Sat 02-Jul-11 11:31:50

He's meeting couples or singles?? On These sites anything goes

noplacelikehome Sat 02-Jul-11 11:33:39

That's another thing, maleview.
When I found it you had to be a member to see pics so I created an account.
I put very little info on there. I made a name up and I put the area I live in.
I've already had a few of them from him!
He is very polite in the message, no mention of sex.
Just says hello and welcome to the site and tells me we live in the same area.

Liluri Sat 02-Jul-11 11:36:40

I really wouldn't get involved in any subterfuge over this.
I think that communicating with him under the guise of being another person will lead to everything getting even more confusing and upsetting than it already is.

GypsyMoth Sat 02-Jul-11 11:38:50

Op, which site is this?

noplacelikehome Sat 02-Jul-11 11:49:26

Liluri, he went to the GP a few months back.
Got some cialis but they didn't seem to help. No change.
He then changed to Viagra but suffered awful sickness with them so couldn't continue taking them.
This is why I've been patient and sympathetic because it seemed he wanted a solution to the issue and was doing his best to resolve it.
The rest of our relationship, I thought, is fantastic.
I love him to bits and enjoy our time together.
We don't live together so it seems it's not just me he's enjoying time with.
On the site it says he likes domination yet he's never mentioned it to me and I would have been willing.
It seems he's meeting women who will give him orders and slap him about a bit. That's not my way normally but I'd have done it for him if he'd asked.

noplacelikehome Sat 02-Jul-11 11:51:36

tiffany, it's called fab swingers.

UnhappyLizzie Sat 02-Jul-11 11:54:48

Hi there

Really sorry this has happened, it must be have been an awful shock. He may have done nothing about it at all. It may be that he is frustrated by his erection problems and this is somehow an outlet for those frustrations. He may be fantasising only.

My dh has had erection problems from time to time. It really interferes with a man's self esteem and view of himself as a man. It's nearly always psychological in origin. I know how demoralising it can be.

It may be that he can't handle sex in a RL relationship for some reason, only impersonal encounters. It may be that presenting himself on one of these sites as a virile 'up for it' guy he's just enjoying a virtual alter ego where he doesn't have these problems.

He may be bi-curious and ashamed about it, that's why he's looking into contact with couples, IF that's what he's doing.

Whatever, you have two issues to deal with here - his sexual problems in your RL relationship and what he's doing on this site.

I know someone has recommended that you don't root around secretly, but I think I probably would be very tempted. If you respond to his message you can get a handle on what his use of the site is - would it extend to meeting up.

I you knew this, you'd feel in a stronger position if you confront him and you would know for definite if when you did this, and he denied it, he was lying. And then you can work out where you go from here.

You need to get to the bottom of why he's on this site, but can't handle his sexual relationship with you. Only other thing I have to say about this is that I urge you not to take his erection problems personally as a reflection of your own desirability. It's likely that these issues are very deep-seated, nothing to do with you.

GypsyMoth Sat 02-Jul-11 11:57:52

Op has seen a message from someone indicating a meeting has already taken place with someone

Was it a single or a couple?

UnhappyLizzie Sat 02-Jul-11 12:04:19

noplacelikehome, just read your latest post.

The masochism sounds like a fetish he has that he might feel ashamed or embarrassed about and feels uncomfortable introducing into a RL relationship. He may feel abnormal for having these urges and feel they are shameful, and be only able to act them out with strangers.

If I were in your position I would do some more research on the site, tbh. You can find out as much as you can about the true picture and then confront him. I would do this gently and drip-feed what you have found out, so you can get him to open up and see how honest and open he is prepared to be with you.

I would also make it clear that you ONLY found this because he had urged you to look at the football site. Make it clear that you were not spying on him, that you were shocked to find it and would never have suspected him.

It's pretty daft of him to let you find this, if he really wanted to hide it. There's a chance he actually wanted you to find it, even if this was a subconscious wish.

Good luck

AngryFeet Sat 02-Jul-11 12:06:25

But could this not have been something that he set up before you were together and not used since? Or can you tell when he last logged in etc?

annieatnofour Sat 02-Jul-11 12:10:54

Well in my case my H has errection problems as well.
But in the end couldnt even get an errection looking at the sites - but if iam honest iam not sure whether he had problems and then looked at the sites or overuse of the sites caused the problems.

Either way its demoralising - and my H wouldnt seek help and now we are seperated. My h always has one women who he is attached to more than the others. Although this time he is pretending to all that she doesnt exsist - thinks me and the kids and the rest of the world are stupid.

I really feel for you - this whole thing makes you feel less of a woman!

take care

noplacelikehome Sat 02-Jul-11 12:11:58

Thankyou unhappy lizzie. That was good advice.
You've given me something to think about.
Angry feet, yes he may have set it up before we got together.
It wouldn't bother me if his last log in was last year but it shows when the person was last on and on his it now says 3 hours ago.
I keep checking the damn thing sad

noplacelikehome Sat 02-Jul-11 12:15:12

Thanks Annie, yes it does make you feel less of a woman.
He has reassured me over and over that it's not me but finding something like this is hard not to take personally isn't it?

noplacelikehome Sat 02-Jul-11 12:18:02

I asked him this morning if he'd like to go out or come over to mine tonight.
I was hoping I may have found the words to discuss this.
He said he'll let me know later as he has a lot on??
I'm now thinking he's keeping his options open.
Maybe he's had a better offer sad

noplacelikehome Sat 02-Jul-11 12:36:45

What if confronting him about this just drives the whole thing underground?
He could create a new account under a different name and keep doing it yet I wouldn't be able to see it.
Bloody Internet eh? sad

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