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Would really value your opinions on this.

(30 Posts)
ShillyShally Sat 02-Jul-11 08:14:36

Last weekend I discovered that my husband was having another affair and told him that I could not go on like this and wanted to end our marriage. We have been together for 26 years and have three children (23, 21 & 19). I am absolutely devastated, my emotions and braincells are all over the place and I'm struggling just to hold myself together enough to function.

We had the discussion last Sunday and I mentioned in passing that, not wanting to be acrimonious, a simple straightforward split of things would probably be the way to go eventually. An estate agent valued our house on Wednesday and by Thursday lunch time my husband texted me to say that the bank would "lend him £85k to buy me out". Since then he has been putting pressure on me to accept this, saying that he is going in to the bank on the 8th July and will have the money in his account the next day!

Now this is where I would really value your opinions! Our home is mortgage free meaning we've had nothing to do with the mortgage industry for the past couple of decades. BUT I can't believe he can walk into his bank when he has not had any of his wages paid into his accounts for the past ten years, with an income of £26k last year and they would happily just loan him £85,000. It may not be a coincidence that my father in law is a comparatively wealthy man.

I am totally unsure of my emotions and whether I am just being nasty and cynical or whether my bull $%^& monitor is justified in going off!

Thank you for your advice, etc.

fastweb Sat 02-Jul-11 08:22:59

You need to go to a solicitor.

It doesn't really matter where he is getting the money from (unless you want to dob him into the tax man), it does matter that you and the kids are having your interests represented by somebody who is in the know when it comes to the repercussions and unseen (to the non legally minded) consequences of any decisions you make.

You obviously have reason to be less than trusting of your exDH, so make sure your back is covered by getting professional advice. It doesn't have to become a legal punch up just because you chose to be informed rather than take (not exactly unbiased or unself interested) people's word on what is best for the family in money terms.

schobe Sat 02-Jul-11 08:26:49

Yes agree, see a solicitor. In the 23 years since you've had children, has caring for them affected your earning ability/potential? Has there been an impact on your career?

Splitting things down the middle sounds fair, but it may not be in reality.

Trestired Sat 02-Jul-11 08:45:08

Do you want to move out? I don't see why you should have to go if you don't want to because he couldn't keep it in his pants. You definitely need to get legal advice before you do or agree to anything. Why is he so keen on getting this wrapped up so quickly? A bit fishy?

Why not tell him that you are not doing anything until you have sought advice so getting the money sorted out so quickly might be a bit premature and you will not under any circumstances be bullied into agreeing to anything.

PS I think you have every right to be as cynical as you like and there is nothing nasty about ensuring that you get what you are entitled to!

mummytime Sat 02-Jul-11 08:52:12

Is half the house only worth £85K? What about his pension, you are entitled to half of that? What savings do you have?
Go to a solicitor!

buzzsore Sat 02-Jul-11 08:55:26

Get legal advice. Protecting yourself doesn't mean it has to turn nasty.

Trestired Sat 02-Jul-11 09:05:52

Well it might turn nasty but so what. Get what you are entitled to and if he doesn't like it then he should have thought about that before having ANOTHER affair.

Xales Sat 02-Jul-11 09:06:21

Don't make any decisions while you are still reeling from the devastation of finding out that he has been cheating and the end of your marriage.

If the money is sitting in his account from the 8th it will be there on the 10th, the 12 etc.

Have you been involved in the valuation of the house? Best thing is 3 or 4 valuations and to take the average of these as some will massively over value and some massively undervalue! Don't rely on him finding a value and telling you this!!

I find it very hard a bank would just say yes here is £85k take it as a share of your property without any surveys etc to know their money is safe.

Also it is not just a 50% split of the price of the house. There are other assets to consider. You walk out, find somewhere else and may have to carpet and furnish it while he is left sitting in a house that needs nothing doing to it. That will be a few £k. Also what is your earning potential like? Will you ever be able to afford to buy a house? Your earning potential may have been ruined by being a housewife so should you have a little more to protect your future of you can only go out and earn £10k while he happily brings in £26k and a wealthy father to bail him out!

If he is driving a top of the range jaguar and you are driving around in a 10 year old micra. There is also his pension if he has paid into it all these years while working you may be entitled to a little of that to help you out. Plus any savings as previously mentioned!

This all needs taking into consideration.

Get yourself an appointment with a solicitor to protect yourself don't just trust him.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 02-Jul-11 09:23:49

Cynical old cow that I am, I am strongly of the opinion that if he is up and offering a large-sounding chunk of money up front he knows jolly well that you could get more out of him if you had time to think about it - otherwise he'd be offering less. It could be that he is being generous because he feels guilty but without a clearer picture of what's going on it could be the opposite. After all, you're the one who's being paid off out of his life - the one who will have to leave the marital home - the one who may have to wave goodbye to the DCs.

I third/fourth/whatever the posters saying get legal and/or financial advice. That doesn't mean you have to battle for every penny but it does mean finding how many pennies are involved and hopefully having some choices. Don't be bounced into anything, and don't agree to anything that isn't in writing and hasn't been crawled over by experts on your side.

TalesOfTheUnexpected Sat 02-Jul-11 09:31:25

Like others have said, I wouldn't really "worry" about how he's come up with the 85k.

I'd be more concerned about would the 85k buy you a new home (probably not). So you'll have to get a mortgage. Not ideal when you've been mortgage free for years.

See a solicitor. Know your rights and fight back.

Trestired Sat 02-Jul-11 09:49:33

Oh. And just a thought. One of the other posters had a brilliant phrase to use and it's called, 'the far side of fuck' as in,

'Darling, you take take your 85k and buy yourself a ticket to the far side of fuck because we both know that you are having a laugh. Stick your head back up your arse and come back to me when you've had a rethink.'

ledkr Sat 02-Jul-11 10:06:16

I know its tempting to take the money and make a clean break esp when you are hurt and vulnerable,i nearly did,but in the end i got a great brief and fought for me and the childrens entitlements.6 yrs on i am financially secure and have no worries for the future and our children will inherit rather than all the other babies he has produced since.

SingOut Sat 02-Jul-11 10:22:44

I would be extremely skeptical as to why he is moving so fast with buying you out. That alone tells you you simply must wait until you have seen a solicitor.

As others have said, the money will still be there in a while, he has done wrong so don't feel obliged to take his offer quickly; think about things carefully and wait until your emotions are calmer before you make a decision. And don't even discuss things with him until you have a full legal arsenal behind you.

Is it possible that he's uncomfortable with what he has done (morally, I mean) so he hopes to buy you out very quickly because he wants to remove the problem of guilt from his sight? He want to forget very swiftly what he has done, I mean, and that is best achieved by bundling you out of the family home and sweeping the whole mess under the carpet as soon as possible so he can 'go on' with normal life. Why should you afford him that luxury? I'd really drag my heels if I were you, just to piss him off smile You owe him nothing, after what he has done.

GiveMeSomeSpace Sat 02-Jul-11 10:23:38

Don't let him bully you into the position HE wants. Take a step back from the whole situation and take stock. Do you want to live in the house? If so, don't let him railroad you out.

As other posters have said, there are a whole raft of other financial
issues to consider and deal with properly and with proper advise. IMO, you should tell him that you are engaging a solicitor and that the house will be dealt with as part of the whole settlement. You can also take the moral high ground and tell him it's not going to be acrimonious from your side but that as neither of you know how these things work legally (assuming both of you are not divorce lawyers), it would be in both of your interests (as well as the childrens') to get everything sorted properly.

Good luck smile

fastweb Sat 02-Jul-11 10:25:42

Oh BTW, if his parents intend to gift him money (even under the table) and they do so before your settlement is done and dusted then it could well be that it forms part of the marital union's money and therefore needs to be factored into your settlement.

I appreciate you might not want to do this for yourself, but as one the adult children who had to make up the shortfall (thanks to my mother not getting the settlement she should have), please consider going to see a legal eagle for their sakes.

You might say to yourself that you would never expect that from your kids, but it is no more fun watching your mother struggle than it is to have to make up the difference. The guilt caused by your relative poverty contrasted with their relative comfort could suck all the pleasure your kids might take out of their future successes and lifestyle.

M0naLisa Sat 02-Jul-11 10:45:42

Is that the amount for half the house?

Pigglesworth Sat 02-Jul-11 10:50:44

Please don't take him up on this. I would also be extremely suspicious of his haste - he has already proven that he is morally dubious so he's perfectly capable of further deceiving you. Usually people apply undue haste/ pressure because they are trying to force someone into making a decision that, if they had more time to think about it, they might not make. Please get legal representation; you don't ever want to be wondering what you might "really" have been entitled to, or whether or not you were screwed over by your husband.

threefeethighandrising Sat 02-Jul-11 12:57:10

What's the house actually worth?

Why do you think he's so keen to buy you out?

Why do you think he wants to do it so quickly?

MigratingCoconuts Sat 02-Jul-11 13:18:16

agreeing with everyone are being railroaded...go to a solicitor asap and do not agree to anything until you have.

garlicnutter Sat 02-Jul-11 13:56:47

Just reiterating what everyone else says! He's got responsibilities towards you and the children which don't go away on divorce. You can't get many houses for £170k and hardly any for £85k, plus you will have legal fees, moving and furnishing costs. Possibly he meant this as an opening salvo: write down what YOU want and need, firm it up into a counter-offer and sit tight meanwhile. Remember things like pension, savings, cars and any holiday homes, caravans, etc.

I got shafted by ex as I was too emotionally confused to work for my own benefit, and had a useless solicitor who was all about amicable agreements - good advice to find a lawyer with teeth & nails. I'd also now recommend the CAB at every turn smile

ChessPiece Sat 02-Jul-11 14:06:04

He's proved himself untrustworthy with his adultery. Don't trust him on this.

Get independent legal advice, and don't be afraid to let them fight on your behalf for everything you are entitled to.

longjane Sat 02-Jul-11 14:14:37


You can divorce living in the same house.
divorce (if that is what you want)
sort out the financial stuff after the divorce.

ShillyShally Sat 02-Jul-11 14:34:33

Thank you all so very much. Yes I agree it really doesn't matter where the money comes from. I will make an appointment to see a solicitor as soon as possible.

Yes, the amount would be for half the house and I obviously had not even thought about anything else. I can see I'm going to have to resist the pressure he's applying until I have taken advice, so wish me strength and luck please smile .

I really don't want to make a mistake that will impact on the dcs in any way at all so thank you all so much for your advice.

garlicnutter Sat 02-Jul-11 14:37:15

Wishing you strength and luck!

ChessPiece Sat 02-Jul-11 14:37:39

Wishing you all the strength in the world. Hope you are getting some moral/emotional support from people. Let the professionals take as much of the stress and strain as possible and concentrate on keeping yourself well.

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