DP and cocaine

[frappuccino]

I have been with DP for a year and he has just told me he regularly takes cocaine socially when out with friends. This has been going on the whole time we have been together! He says he isn't addicted and doesn't think it's a big deal but I am upset he has kept it from me for so long
He says I am overreacting but I am now seriously considering if we have a future together or not. Would it be a dealbreaker for you?

[GypsyMoth]

it sure would be!!

[fivegomadindorset]

Sorry but Yes for me it Would be.

[bellavita]

Yes definitely a deal breaker.

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

If there's no way he'd give it up, it would be a definite deal breaker.

[JustOlivia]

I took it for around a year only when I was going clubbing, I stopped suddenly when I realised it was costing me £150 a week, and the fact I never went out without using it, it also causes mental illness.

[scurryfunge]

Habitual illegal drug users are not usually ideal life partners.

[frappuccino]

he says he enjoys it and doesn't want to give it up, so felt he should be honest with me I really don't know what he was expecting me to say other than I'm not sure this is what I want. I feel cheated, he isn't who I thought he was.

[eslteacher]

Part of me would think that if I never realised for a year and it therefore didn't seem to affect our relationship, I should consider trying to work through the issue with DP - when did it start, how often does he use it, how much does he spend on it, does he plan to stop etc etc. Evaluate his attitude, mindset and involvement I suppose. See if I could reconcile myself to it.

But my gut instinct is that I could never seriously consider staying in a relationship with a class A drug user. If I found out tonight that my DP (of two years) was regularly using cocaine, I am pretty sure it would be a deal breaker for me. It's just not what I want in a partner.

[tallwivglasses]

It also turns lovely, interesting, creative people into self-centred, boring farts.

[eslteacher]

And forgot to say, I'm really sorry for you. It must be a horrible and bizarre thing to find out, completely out of the blue. If he volunteered this information to you though, because he wanted to be honest, that's something - and better to find out now than later. Good luck coming to terms with it and deciding what you want to do.

[tallwivglasses]

and what riverboat said

Good luck frappuccino x

[bubaluchy]

My dads friend lodged with us for a year whilst trying to get off coke and not be around his coke friends, he was SUCH a mess, nervous, angry, weird and unable to live with his 3 kids and his wife, i was a teenager at the time and it was a great case of learning from the mistakes of others.
basically it can only get worse and more narcissistic, can cause heart probs too.

[Eranu]

Do you think he is going to stop? I think that has to be the dealbraker for you.

For me personally I think it would mean then end of the relationship (definitely of he wouldn't stop). Pre DC i probably wouldn't have been bothered but a very different story post DC.

Sorry this is happening to you

[FabbyChic]

My sister has had a problem for years, taking five gramms for breakfast then sleeping all day, it costs money and ruins lives.

She has serious mental health issues.

Occasional use once every few months, or even once a year isn't a habit, but when you need something you have become addicted, and it sounds like he is.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

tallwivglasses has it right, IMO.

If he works in an environment where a lot of people take cocaine (high pressure sales for example) it may seem very normal to him; he would perhaps not really see why you would have a problem with it.

I would have a problem with it. Aside from the impact it will have on you and your relationship and the physical impact it will have on him, there is a wider social issue with drugs. He's supporting some pretty serious criminal activity with that drug use - even if it is unintentional.

[UnhappyLizzie]

I agree with RB (and tallwivglasses re the effect!)

But he has told you, hasn't he? If you'd asked him before and he'd lied, that might be different. Not volunteering something isn't the same as lying.

A lot of people do coke recreationally. I used to do this about 15 years ago, and it's become even more mainstream since then (not to mention cheaper). It's not that addictive compared with some drugs. But I feel really bad about having used it now, because the cocaine trade causes so much suffering elsewhere in the world (particularly in Colombia).

You've only been together a year, not that long, but long enough that he decided he wanted to tell you, and, for that matter, long enough that if you want it to stop, you can ask him to stop.

What you've described so far doesn't sound to me like a dealbreaker, but it depends what happens next.

There are ethical issues around taking illegal drugs IMO, but they are more to do with the fallout of the drug trade than doing something illegal. Who hasn't driven over the speed limit?

Another factor though, and this is serious, is that despite what people think about cocaine not being dangerous if you're not addicted, this is bollocks. It causes cardiac problems. Young people can drop dead from heart attacks taking coke, and on post mortem, regular cocaine users (who've died from other causes) are often found to have multiple small infarcts in their heart muscle. In laymen's terms, this means that they have had lots of miniscule heart attacks where the tissue has died off.

Something else to consider.

[frappuccino]

He says he does it every other weekend on average. Does it sound like a social thing or more of an addiction? That's what I'm concerned about.

[GypsyMoth]

an addiction

are there dc involved in all this?

[garlicnutter]

Argh. I used to live the kind of life where everybody does coke. I didn't bother much, I can talk bollocks very loudly without chemical assistance, but it was so prevalent it was normal.

Some of the people I knew did so much of it, they were adversely affected either physically (broken septum, damaged voices & sinuses, other symptoms due to stressed immune system) or mentally (exaggerated mood swings, depression, psychosis). They got over these things quickly once they stopped snorting - the biggest challenge was getting them to acknowledge the problem and its cause. I remember my boss frantically canvassing everyone for confirmation that he wasn't acting erratically! (He was.)

It's very expensive.

On balance, I think cocaine use in itself may not threaten a marriage as long as you can afford it and there's enough trust & awareness to tackle any substance-related issues that arise. I would, however, have difficulty with a relationship that has been built on a big fat secret. He's been honest about it now, so I guess your dilemma is about whether belated honesty makes up for the lie?

I can't answer that for you, but wanted to put a detached viewpoint regarding the cocaine itself.

[frappuccino]

no dc thank goodness

[carantala]

My xp made the same sort of "confession" to me after we had been "in love" for some months. I was obviously expected to join in with his habits. Never appealed to me, so didn't. Recently learnt that I was being groomed to become an addict myself. Kick him out, girl! You're worth more!!!

[garlicnutter]

It does make people irresponsible; that would become a massive issue if you had kids. I'm not sure, but it probably damages sperm. IME people who get severely addicted to coke - that is, can't knock it off for health or financial reasons - have underlying psychological problems and companion addictions. I knew a lot of cocaine addicts who were also alcoholics and sex addicts ... that combination also has a tendency to escalate towards crack.

[IdDoAndyMurrayInAHurry]

Sounds like a social thing tbh. If he's doing it a few times a month doubt it is an addiction, perhaps just a habit. Certainly wouln't be a deal breaker for me
Has he done it with you without you realising?
How do you feel about recreational drug taking in general?

[UnhappyLizzie]

He'd be taking it every day if he was physically addicted. That doesn't mean he doesn't have a psychological compulsion to take it or that he'd find it easy to break the habit if he's got used to taking it when he goes out and enjoys it.

garlicnutter has plenty of experience of this and I agree with much of what she wrote. But I'm not sure if I think there's been an actual lie, or just an omission.

A lot of people are just terrified of class A drugs, know nothing about them, and would avoid them all like the plague.

That's fair enough, but you might be surprised at how mainstream they have become and how many people take coke on a regular basis. There really is a lot of it around, even in small towns and rural areas. It used to be more in the big cities but now it's everywhere.

A lot of people think it's a benign, fun drug, and I guess it is if you're comparing it with heroin, methamphetamine, crack etc.

But do any google search on cocaine and cardiotoxicity, cardiac effects etc and you'll find lots of material.

This is lifted from the abstract of a paper published way back in 2002:

Acute myocardial infarction (AMI) is the most commonly reported cardiac consequence of cocaine misuse, usually occurring in men who are young, fit and healthy and who have minimal, if any, risk factors for cardiovascular disease.

The mechanism by which cocaine induces AMI is largely not understood.

Cocaine effect should be seriously considered in any young patient with minimal risk factors for cardiac disease presenting with AMI, dilated cardiomyopathy, myocarditis or cardiac arrhythmias.

To translate, AMI (acute myocardial infarction) means a heart attack, myocarditis is inflammation of the myocardium, which is the heart muscle. An arrhythmia is an abnormal heart rhythm, dilated cardiomyopathy is where the heart becomes enlarged and weakened, which affects its ability to pump effectively. These things are all very serious and young men are the most likely sufferers.

[FabbyChic]

I only ever used it socially when clubbing, meant I could drink shit loads stay out all night and never have a hangover.

My sister however, got up in the morning took it, then went back to bed, she done that constantly day after day, she had a habit mine was recreational/social.

Your boyfriend doesn't have a habit it is purely social.