Hi
I'm new on here. I'm 37, have been in a relationship with my soulmate for 8 and a half years and we have a 6 and a half year old adorable son. We're not married (always been meaning to get around to it, but always something else to do instead).
We have/had an idyllic relationship, my partner was the only person I've ever considered having children with, I knew he was the one for me the moment I met him, we fell head over heels in love. We live in a beautiful part of the world, have a lovely home, good jobs, good friends, good family.
2 years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life and had a fling with a bloke at work. Lots of flirty emails, a couple of intimate occasions, but not sex. This guy was a complete tosser, analysing it now, it was the attention which I was after (I will never make excuses for what I did and I take full responsibility for my actions, but at that time of my life there were areas of my life that I wasn't getting the attention I needed in terms of my career and my relationship). The guy played me, and when the attention went I wondered where it had gone. For about a year I shut myself off from my partner.
Then a year ago, my partner found out. He was rightly furious, angry and hurt. We had a terrible month, and then all of a sudden we fell back into a normal routine. We had a wonderful year and it was never mentioned again except for one time which I'll say in a minute.
Over the last year I have shown complete and utter remorse for what I did,
I took responsibility for my actions and I have never put myself in a situation where that would happen again. I am utterly transparent with everything I do. I have re-committed to the relationship heart and soul to lay even stronger foundations. I have tried to make myself a better person, I have searched for reasons as to why it happened, so that we can make our relationship water tight and impervious to this in the future. I have tried to bring more intimacy, caring, trust and better communication into the relationship. I have shared my dreams and hopes for our relationship and my desire to support my partner and be his devoted partner for life. I have prioritised being a couple above everything, even over being a mum.
About 2 months after my partner finding out last year, I found some flirty emails on facebook between him and some girl. He apologiesd saying sorry that I'd found them, gave me a massive cuddle and said "you know that thing that happened between us earlier in the year, well I don't think about it anymore, it doesn't matter, we're good" The event was never mentioned again at all until February this year. At the time I did think, "oh that was quick, but I put it down to us being a magic couple and having essentially a good relationship at our core".
Fast forward to Feb of this year, over some time and its difficult to pinpoint, I began to lose my confidence and became anxious about a girl my partner worked with. In February he became extremely secretive, it was like living with a stranger: I wasn;t allowed to know his phone password or Facebook password, he'd spend hours in the toilet with his phone, back late from work, doing work emails in the bath, conference calls in the car all hours of the day and night. There was 1 particular girl which he became friends with on facebook, and my partner never uses facebook, but since he became friends with her he started doing a "macho" status update every day, talks about his little boy, going out for drinks, nothing about me. I just had a hunch, ad so I in turn used to post happy photos of our family on his facebook page to warn off any third parties.
As such I got curious and then began our cycle of awful behaviour. The more I tried to find out what was going on, the more secretive he became. Several times his temper exploded and I could see he was carrying a lot of hurt from what had happened the previous year. At one point he couldn't tell me that he loved me. After a couple of weeks, it was fine. Basically its been a roller coaster since February - one minute we're getting married, the next we're on the rocks. - over and over and over again. Completely out of control.
I have been massivly trying to save our relationship during this time - nice texts every day, us time etc. I have read a library of advice. he won't go to counselling or read any of the books.
3 weeks ago, my partner stopped telling me he loved me again and that he couldn't try anymore. Incidentally, this coincides with that particular facebook girl de-friending him. hmmm.
However He said he thinks about what happens every day (even last year when I could swear we had got over it) we decided the only option to break our terrible cycle of behaviour was a month living apart for some time out.
Well what a 3 weeks they have been. Within a week i knew my own mind and I confronted him about the facebook girl. i've done it before,but with no confidence. Eventually I got out of him that he had become "close" but that he "stopped it before anything happened". And how dare I accuse him of something which he finds so terrible. And he said we had to treat our relationship as over (not just on a break). A couple of days later he looked so sad and we agreed just to give it a bit more time apart before doing anything irreversible (eg selling house etc). However then I get a text from him saying he's moving on, its the only way he can get over what happened.
It is painful beyond description for me. There is so much other stuff. He says this goes to the core of him, he can't be who he is and accept what I did, he feels this has changed us.
basically I don't know if I've genuinely ruined our relationship, or whether there are external forces at play, or whether he just doesn't know what to do.
Even in these awful circumstances, I choose to show him and our family unit committed and unwaivering love. But it is so hard to keep hope when we are dividing our sons time at the weekends etc. At the moment I am just angry at him because, although i know I did very wrong, I have never dbeen prepared to split up my family and give up on our relationship - but he is.
i would really appreciate any thoughts and advice and shared experiences to help me through working out whether my relationship is still salvageable. Thank you.
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Is this what splitting up forever is, or is there hope? Epic tale
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soulkid · 01/07/2011 21:39
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