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wwyd if you knew.....

(26 Posts)
lightsandshapes Fri 01-Jul-11 17:46:45

that one of your friends had slept with another of your friend's husbands, right at the start of the realationship? The married friend now has 2 dcs. Both female friends arre now close to each other - meet for lunch, coffee, do stuff together. I wish I didn't know about this!


TheOriginalFAB Fri 01-Jul-11 17:49:32

Stay out of it as it would be none of my business. Maybe the wife knows and is over it.

buzzsore Fri 01-Jul-11 18:00:59

If it's not an on-going affair, then stay well out of it.

Maybe the couple weren't exclusive at the beginning of the relationship, there's often a period of still seeing other people.

whomovedmychocolate Fri 01-Jul-11 18:02:51

Stick my fingers in my ears go lalalallalalla and then deliberately drop coffee into cheating friend's most expensive handbag as punishment for sullying my mind with these facts.

And I'd probably trust her a bit less too.

Hassled Fri 01-Jul-11 18:03:05

Nothing would be achieved by doing anything at all. I can see why you wish you didn't know but really, don't feel the need to share it with the wife. If problems arise - if she confides in you about the DH being up to no good etc - further down the line, then tell her.

pollyblue Fri 01-Jul-11 19:58:55

Maybe your married friend does know about it and thinks it's water under the bridge? a she now has 2dcs it was obv some time ago. How do you know about it - did the not-married friend tell you?

But either way, keep your nose out and thoughts to yourself is my advice. What would you achieve by telling her? Try and forget about it. TBH, it's none of your business.

lightsandshapes Fri 01-Jul-11 20:36:03

I'm 99.99999% sure she doesn't know. The only reason it bugs me is because I have mixed felings about my non married friend, thinking she is two faced to do that to her, and I feel bad for the married friend who is very warm to her but no way would she be if she knew. I know it's none of my business pollyblue, but it is in so far as the uncomfortable way it plays on my mind. Of course I wouldn't say as it would create havoc,but it's still not nice knowing.....

SingOut Fri 01-Jul-11 20:38:19

I'd get cross with whoever gossiped about it told me. There's no need for you to know such things.

pollyblue Fri 01-Jul-11 21:34:00

Sorry if I sounded a bit blunt lights but your post struck a cord as I've recently lost a close friend who couldn't resist sticking her oar into my relationship - she'd got the wrong end of the stick entirely and was absolutely foul to me, and caused a lot of upset, all for no reason.

I konw your situation is different because you are sure of your facts, but unfortunately you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. There really is nothing (that I can see) you can do except try and put it out of your mind because the only other options are 1. sever contact with all of them - out of sight, out of mind or 2. tell your married friend what you know and leave them to sort it out. But I would imagine option 2 would cost you the friendships anyway.......

Bohica Fri 01-Jul-11 21:36:48

How did you find out about it polly?
Awful situation for you to be in but I don't think you have much choice but not to get involved as no good will come from you getting involved in it all.

pollyblue Fri 01-Jul-11 22:09:33

Bohica, ex-friend thought I was seeing someone else and decided she didn't want to be friends with a "cheat". Problem was, I hadn't cheated. Ex-friend then started sending me emails telling me exactly what she thinks of cheats and that i was basically a whore. All very interesting, but all very wrong. Fortunately my other half knew I was telling the truth, but was angry ex-f was being so agressive, so it's spoilt three friendships really. So, I know it's different from the OPs situation, but still highlights the danger of getting involved in other people's relationships.

lightsandshapes Mon 04-Jul-11 10:43:35

I know because the unmarried friend told me. i think another piece to this is that sometimes I feel (or am paranoid) that they may gossip about me behind my back (have no evidence of this, just feelings) which makes me think 'if only you knew who your real friends are!' about the married friend. the unmarried friend is even godmother to the married friend's daughter snd did a reading at their wedding. It all makes me cringe!

SoloAgainItSeems Mon 04-Jul-11 10:52:37

Keep out of it and your mouth shut IMO. If you told the married friend now, she'd want to know why it's taken you years to tell her and you'd probably lose her friendship too.
No good will come of telling anyone and maybe, just maybe the unmarried friend is not the same woman she once was.

UnhappyLizzie Mon 04-Jul-11 13:34:32

I might be a bit suspicious of why unmarried friend has made friends with the wife of the man she slept with. I think in her position I'd feel really guilty and want to steer clear.

I know a woman who was having an affair and deliberately got close to the wife. I (and others) thought it was pretty sick. He left his wife for the OW eventually, something she had wanted all along. I'd be very careful here. I would find it very hard if I thought unmarried friend had dodgy motives.

Still, the messenger always gets shot and I would keep my mouth shut, at most say something to unmarried friend about how uncomfortable I felt.

You are vulnerable here, take great care.

Out of interest, married friend's husband is a cheat. Do you think he still cheats?

lightsandshapes Mon 04-Jul-11 19:40:19

Thanks for your sensible post lizzie - I do sometimes worry about her motives / ethics. As far as I know the husband doesn't cheat though he is always complaining he doesn't get enough sex (even though she's just had baby no 2). He has said to his wife in frustration that he would visit a prostitute... though I think he said this out of frustration. You're right though. The messenger always gets shot, and best to keep quiet about it, especially since it was now several years ago. It's hard though - honesty is important to me.

Oh hell, people who make a big deal out of their own honesty are a fucking plague. They are always opening their gobs when they shouldn't, on the grounds of honesty, but the more people bang on about their honesty, the more they actually mean 'I love throwing shit and I am self-righteous about it.'
Because, have you ever noticed? No one who trumpets their own honesty ever has anything good to say.
Keep your mouth shut and your nose out, all you will do is stir up unnecessary trouble.

lightsandshapes Mon 04-Jul-11 20:13:25

classy post, spring chicken....NOT. Who rattled your cage? hmm

BluddyMoFo Mon 04-Jul-11 20:15:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lightsandshapes Mon 04-Jul-11 20:17:14

ooh, some lovely people on here [sarcastic face]

lightsandshapes Mon 04-Jul-11 20:18:32

but then you kind of know what you're getting with people who have swear words for usernames [anger issues] ;)

BluddyMoFo Mon 04-Jul-11 20:20:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yama Mon 04-Jul-11 20:22:58

I would say that the concensus is that you should keep out of it. Just try to forget that you know. Wipe it from your thinking.

lightsandshapes Mon 04-Jul-11 20:26:52

thanks yama - i had already decided to keep out of it hence have done since it happened. I more wanted help dealing with my feelings of 'cognitive dissonance' (psychobabble ;) around it!

Yama Mon 04-Jul-11 20:30:43

I always found it funny when my Mum would say that if someone told her something in confidence then she just wouldn't remember it. So she wouldn't know the secret. Don't know if that makes sense.

thesurgeonsmate Mon 04-Jul-11 20:39:26

Did you find this out recently? If so, I think you'll find it easier than you think to forget.

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