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feeling controlled... is it all in my head?

(54 Posts)
Atwaroverscrabble Fri 01-Jul-11 16:06:25


I am feeling really frustrated and controlled by 'D'h at the moment...

basically we have a conversation and discuss something for months, then I go and do what we discussed and 'tada!' show/tell DH and he suddenly decides we hadn't agreed that and I was out of order doing it without consulting him etc... and we end up in Huge arguments!

the 1st incident was our bedroom. When we moved we had dd in with us and so the bed had to go against the wall, dd has been in her room 6-8 months now and we had chats about making the bedroom nicer, less bedsitty etc and that included moving the bed to a more conventional position.... and I bought a new duvet set, showed him and he liked it etc etc... then I spent 2-3 hours rearranging the bedroom and giving it a good clean only for him to come home and moan that I had done it without consulting him, that I know he lies sleeping against the wall etc and moaned for hours ending up with me getting out of the bed at midnight to put the bloody thing back as it was!

the 2nd incident was today... again for about 3 months we have been discussing taking the kids on a cheapish caravan type holiday... we agreed the week and a budget and that it needed to be by a beach and with some facilities on site and that it should be 7 nights to make it worth while (he insisted on this) He wouldnt say where it had to be but kept saying i should just find somewhere nice, and even once suggested I keep it a secret from him until the day we go as a suprise! he's been nagging me to book it so today I found a 7 night hol in our budget and booked it... big mistake! again he moaned at the location, the number of nights etc and said I was out of order again! I have managed to swap it for a 4 night stay elsewhere now but its doing my head in!

finally, today ds asked if he and a friend could go back to ours after school (he has done this before with a different friend) and although i am at work it means he is alone for about an hour and a half (he's almost 12), I said yes and gave the usual warnings but dh now says I should have consulted with him on this too!!!

what can I do????

HerHissyness Fri 01-Jul-11 16:14:19

He sounds like he is continually setting you up for a fall! no wonder you are fed up with him.

Is he always like this?

Atwaroverscrabble Fri 01-Jul-11 16:20:18

recently, yes....

he works varied shifts and often pops out for me time, without notice... I haven't had any time off of work/child stuff for over a month and was planning on popping out last night for an hour (he had been out 6 evenings in past 8 days, including the weekend when I had driven 500 miles.... but it was him that needed a break angry, and he started saying about popping out so I simply said 'oh, i was planning on popping out later and was going to say something once I had dd ready for bed' to which he got all huffy and accused me of only saying that because he mentioned going out etc... and basically acted like a spoilt 15 year old, and when I pointed out the inequality in free time, he actually said 'well you had better go out then because if it gets to 8pm and you decide you aren't I will be really annoyed!'.... i had a go at him about that attitude which of course he denied but I still went out for 2 hours and he sat on the sofa sulking etc...

he also always pesters me constantly when I am at work trying to get stuff done (funded phd) and is annoyed when I tell him I wont answer calls/texts as I am working!

HerHissyness Fri 01-Jul-11 16:41:04

Do you have a calendar? Mark on it the days you are working/going out, and tell him to do the same.

You are both parents here, and both working. BOTH of you have as right to down time.

When are you spending decent family time? Does your H do his bit when it comes to housework/childcare?

Lizzabadger Fri 01-Jul-11 16:50:52

I agree - write everything down. Maybe you could also write down anybig decisions you make together in a book and both sign them. Do you think he has a problem with his memory?

Atwaroverscrabble Fri 01-Jul-11 18:13:03

All the shifts are on the calendar and he knows I'm working he's just a pain when he isn't working too as he thinks he can interrupt me for pointless things...

He now does more childcare but it's loaded at the beginning of the week (2 mornings before taking to nursery) so Tuesday night he makes a big deal that he's looked after dd more despite knowing I look after her all day wednesday and Thursday, get her up every day and pretty much look after her all weekend too if he is working which 3 out of 4 he is!

The main problem is he doesn't see my work as work (funded phd full time plus teaching plus a level examiner!)

We occasionally have family tine but it often involves alot of moaning and I have to suggest what, arrange it all, do all the driving and then sort out the debris after while he relaxes at the pub as he is stressed out....

TheOriginalFAB Fri 01-Jul-11 18:15:46

He sounds like a dickhead.

I would note book or plan anything for a good long while and tell him why.

mamas12 Fri 01-Jul-11 18:29:47

omg what a nightmare way to live.
Have you looked up the term gaslighting. It could be quite revealing (if you pardon the pun)
I'm not saying he is a controlling emotionally abusive man but this is a trait.
you do need to take time out and tell him how you feel and get him to recognise what he is doing because no one can live like that for long.

mittenkitten Fri 01-Jul-11 19:56:25

as mamas12 said: gaslighting

GiveMeSomeSpace Fri 01-Jul-11 20:07:18

The problem is, the longer you let him behave like this, this more he will do it. It's completely unacceptable behaviour. You know it & he knows its. As previous posters have said, he's setting you up for a fall. Suggest discussing these issues with someone impartial and suggest asking for their opinion as to whether it's acceptable behaviour or not - see how he reacts.

He is being totally unreasonable and he knows it. Tell him so calmly and dispassionately.

Good luck smile

Thegreenfliesareonme Fri 01-Jul-11 21:23:36

My ex would behave like this. We'd discuss, discuss & discuss what we would do, then he'd do something completely different. He considered his way to be best and simply discounted my opinions - it's a form of control and very unpleasant & disconcerting.

I bet you feel you're going mad sometimes, OP - I did. He also used to continually text & email me at work and be terribly offended when I told him I was busy and couldn't respond. He too, acted like a spoiled teenager when he didn't get his own way.

That's why he's my Ex.

sad for you.

Atwaroverscrabble Fri 01-Jul-11 21:24:46

Well it's continued, he apologised while putting dd to bed and said he didn't want to split up and lose his daughter and I said he wouldn't lose her anyway but we can't carry on like this so it has to stop etc and he agreed... I popped out to get chips etc and when I was dishing it up he started on about having the biggest bit of the fish because he's the man and growing up his dad always had the biggest bit etc etc and then said I didn't know as I didn't have a dad growing up etc so I simply Sid ' you are having the biggest bit you don't have to be a bully about it!' to which he stormed off saying I was out of order etc so I asked ds to go and tell him he can come downstairs and eat as I was going outside (didn't want to stay in and inflame the situation) and I went and sat in the car, dh came out and started going on about lack of respect etc and then slammed the door so I drove off to the garage to get some chocolate as I was starving, while gone I had a text saying it's over etc so I replied that I agreed and that I would come back and once ds was in bed we could decide what was going to happen and when to tell the kids...

Basically when j got back he kept going on about me not respecting him and telling him what to do all the time and told me he was more of a parent to dd than I was (not true!) etc etc

I'm having a bath now to avoid him as he keeps ranting on and won't say what is happening or agree to counselling, apparently no one ever talked to him like I do before and he won't have it! He reckons I take all his money (he has £50-60 a week beer money, I have about £10) and yet I supported him while he was out of work and when he was incapacity benefit!

clam Fri 01-Jul-11 21:35:22

OK, you need a third party to mediate here. He's simply not hearing what you're saying and is re-writing history to suit himself. A counsellor would hel to pin him down and clear up some of the issues the two of you have.

Atwaroverscrabble Fri 01-Jul-11 21:56:38

He won't go to a counseller, he sees it as me being in the wrong, the last time it got bad I ended up in antidepressants and seeing a counsellor myself! He mocked me for taking the ADs too and me being 'mad' is often thrown at me in arguments. He always calls me a name in arguments and I admit that once I called him a c@@t and off handily said 'drop dead' which apparently was the worst thing anyone had ever said to him and I was really nasty for that etc etc....

Atwaroverscrabble Fri 01-Jul-11 22:03:12

And funnily enough we always seem to have an argument the night before I am due a mini lie in.... I get up with dd every day which can be from 6am onwards and until a few week ago did all the night wakings as she was bf, she now sleeps through! But about once every 4-6 weeks I ask for a lie in, today dh was off work and dd in nursery so like most Fridays he did his own thing and had a lie in, if he's working a late (apart from mon and tues) he'll stay in bed until 10/11 (works 2-9:30) and even on mon and tues he's in bed until 8 or 9.....

SpringchickenGoldBrass Fri 01-Jul-11 22:09:12

This man is an abusive prick. He likes making you feel you are going mad. He hates women, that's why he behaves like this. He wants you unhappy, unsettled and desperate to please him, that's why he keeps on picking arguments and setting you up to fail all the time - you're suposed to have nothing in your head but how to keep him happy.
I would strongly advise doing some quiet research about finances/access to children etc and all the facts about separating, because rest assured that when you tell this man his sorry arse is dumped he will throw all kinds of shit about how he will have you locked up for being mad and take custody of DC etc etc , all of which is nonsense.

mamas12 Fri 01-Jul-11 22:22:06

Please look at the womens aid website and get some more counselling to help you leave this abusive person.

lookingfoxy Fri 01-Jul-11 22:24:02

Oh wow OP your posts are really ringing bells with me.
This is exactly what my ex was/is like.
I thought it was me at the time, Im slowly beginning to realise what a manipulative prick he was.
I ended up seeing a psychologist/AD's.

Atwaroverscrabble Fri 01-Jul-11 22:24:19

Thank you everyone, I'm just so annoyed with myself. I wad married to a bully for 9 years and finally got free then 4 years later meet dh who I thought was the love of my life but who has become an argumentative grumpy bastard..... Why did I let this happen??

Atwaroverscrabble Fri 01-Jul-11 22:25:35

Sounds like we've all been with the same man!!! I just wish kids weren't involved...

GettingaWarmGrip Fri 01-Jul-11 22:47:30

Hello Atwar

My ex did this. And more. We would talk about things for days, weeks, years, and then when I went ahead with it, or reminded him we were doing whatever, he would change his mind and say no.

He was a w****r in lots of other ways too though. Selfish, arrogant, nasty and a crap father.

It is a control thing, and in the end I just did what I wanted and cut him out of it totally. If I paid he was a bit better about things, but even then he could be nasty. If he was expected to cough up it would never happen.

Now, of course, as he is my ex-H I am free to do whatever I want. Funnily enough, I don't really do anything much that needs huge discussions, as it wasn't the thing itself, it was the control of me that he wanted.

HerHissyness Fri 01-Jul-11 23:46:29

"I called him a c@@t and off handily said 'drop dead"

You were bang on there Atwar.

M0naLisa Sat 02-Jul-11 02:59:58

how are thing today?

Atwaroverscrabble Sat 02-Jul-11 07:53:52

Well as predicted I havent got my lie in.... He decided to drink 4 cans of beer and my bottle of jaques last night and surprisingly isn't feeling 'well' and so I am up with dd and when I made a comment about being tired he moaned and whinged and said 'you just can't help yourself can you....'

Arghhhhhhh FFS!!!!!

Xales Sat 02-Jul-11 08:25:35

and then said I didn't know as I didn't have a dad growing up etc so I simply Sid ' you are having the biggest bit you don't have to be a bully about it!

You were spot on and called him what he was, a bully! What a nasty nasty man.

I am afraid you have got yourself into another relationship with a bully sad He has decided he is more important in this relationship and that he is right.

If he is unwilling to go to counselling and thinks he is right you are wrong then this will never be resolved.

Your choices are to put up and shut up and let him treat you the way he does. To tell him that unless the pair of you go to counselling, and that he gets help to stop being so nasty that your marriage is over. Or to leave him and get some counselling for yourself to find out how you find these men and then be happy alone with your children for a long time until a decent man comes along.

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