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Should you keep a marriage going just for the sake of children?

(5 Posts)
stupidconfusedmale Fri 01-Jul-11 13:38:17

You feel unloved and incapable of loving back. You have realised that you will never have an intelligent/stimulating conversation with her, be able to share your worries with her or have that kind of understanding which comes just by looking in one another's eyes. She may have realised as well that you are not the romantic, charming person that she thought you were and actually you are quite lazy and boring and moody. Although you do always make up after a fight, with every episode you are left with a bitterness in your heart. She thinks you are an insensitive, stone hearted brute incapable of understanding her emotions. You think she is a self centred drama queen, incapable of having a rational argument.

However, you have lovely kids. Young kids, starting school and you both love them and they love you. They appear happiest when both of you are together and happy. They curl up when you fight or argue.

Maybe you can cut out the fights and arguments but you can't manufacture the feelings between the two of you that you just don't have.

Do you end it all and just leave the kids to deal with a broken home or you swallow it to keep a facade for the sake of your children?

oldenoughtowearpurple Fri 01-Jul-11 13:44:32

Split up and be good parents separately.

this thread

Or are you just checking to see if Mumsnetters say the same thing to a bloke as to a woman?

londonartemis Fri 01-Jul-11 13:46:47

Sorry to hear things are so bad at home. I think because you have DC it IS particularly worth it to try to make things better, but it will take both of you talking together and really trying to do it.
Sometimes you need an outside person, like Relate, or counsellor who can help you talk/guide you so that you don't go round in the same circle the whole time. Even if it all fails, the counselling should help you part more amicably and certainly work out how to make a separation work for your DC.
I have had terribly sad and lonely times in my marriage, and I think having DC has kept me here more than any other factor. My r'ship with my DH has improved hugely though. It's not love's young dream, but there is affection and sex where there hadn't been for many years.
So, I would say. Don't give up until you've tried everything! Good Luck!

stupidconfusedmale Fri 01-Jul-11 13:55:31

"Split up and be good parents separately.
this thread
Or are you just checking to see if Mumsnetters say the same thing to a bloke as to a woman?"
Thank you for pointing to the interesting thread and also shoud I say for the the cynicism. I have just joined Mumsnet today to specifically discuss my scenario so was unaware of previous thread

pollyblue Fri 01-Jul-11 15:15:16

Have you tried couple's counselling or Relate? And is this a fair reflection of how you both feel, or how you feel?

If you both want to make things better and stay together, maybe with effort on both sides that is possible. BUT to answer your question, in my experience no, is it not better to stay together just for the children. I was 7 when things went wrong between my parents and although they did their best to shield me from the problems i could sense things were wrong, the atmosphere was awful sometimes, and they were both miserable. They separated about 18 months later and i can still remember how relieved I was. My Dad moved to a house nearby so I saw him regularly and after a spell of finding it a bit odd, things were fine. Children are remarkably resilient, but also sensitive and if you and your wife are unhappy together they'll realise it.

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