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Just found some porn and feeling numb - help please

(139 Posts)
changedchanged Fri 01-Jul-11 11:15:16

Am a regular but obviously not under this name.

Am feeling like a good cry but can't as young DC around so hoping someone can help. DH is a general good guy, works hard, good dad, good husband, reliable, kind, thoughtful, etc. Years ago I found 'evidence' of him looking at some porn on the pc. I flipped (partly because he's not that computer savvy and had left the evidence in the browsing history, so it could have accidentally been clicked on by the dcs). I freaked out, he was very sorry and upset for hurting me, and promised not to use our pc for looking at that kind of thing again. I'm pretty sure he hasn't as I programme computers so he would be hard pressed to keep it from me.

The subject hasn't really come up since, and I think at the time I maybe made it seem that I was upset about the fact that our DCs could have seen it, and not that I find porn offensive. But I do. I don't really know the ins and outs of the politics on the subject, but I know that porn images make me feel sick, inadequate and very sad for our DDs that this is part of the world they are growing up into. I'm sure DH does know how I feel, we've been together a long time and I've made comments about it before.

Anyway just now I was looking through the 'bills' drawer in his office for something and I found a stash of a load of porno mags at the bottom. They are hard core stuff, full on everything. All straight sex between adults, but very full on. One of them is about anal - very graphically.

I've stuffed them back in the drawer but I feel sick and numb and like crying all at the same time. He is a good man and I love him. But I feel so upset. Why would he go behind my back and buy these things? Am I completely wrong about thinking he's a good man if he can enjoy this kind of shit?

Don't know what to do. Please somebody talk to me.

M0naLisa Fri 01-Jul-11 11:20:01

Porn MAGS?

Porn is a fantasy for men, its nothing. Its not like he is shagging those in the mags!

changedchanged Fri 01-Jul-11 11:30:11

Is it really that simple? Why do I feel so shit and let down then?

UnhappyLizzie Fri 01-Jul-11 11:30:17

Sorry you feel like this. I found images on our computer a while back, like you I was angry that kids might have found them.

A lot of people are anti-porn, think it's exploitative etc. Fact is, it's available so an awful lot of men use it (won't say most, but it is very normal for men to use porn). If porn weren't available they'd still think about sex and fantasise, they'd just have to find something else to look at.

It's no reflection on you, nor is the fact that he masturbates, he's not rubbing you face in it.

Think of it as his private sex life that's separate from the one you share. He's not cheating on you in this.

Obviously if it was dodgy porn (gay, animals or perish the thought, kids) you'd have a problem. Don't think this is a problem really.

Have a chat and explain how you feel, make clear if he wants to use porn he must keep it out of yours and the DC's way.

AMumInScotland Fri 01-Jul-11 11:33:39

"Why would he go behind my back and buy these things?" - Because many men (and some women) find porn a turn-on of course. I know there are lots of arguments against porn, but when you get right down to it most of us do things which we couldn't argue through ethically, just because we enjoy them. He doesn't feel that he is degrading women in general, or harming you and his daughters in particular, by enjoying looking at picturs of consenting adults having sex.

He stopped doing what you asked, to make sure you and the dds didn't see it on screen by accident. And you say yourself you never told him that you have a bigger issue with it - men aren't mind-readers, so if you really don't want him to look at it you'll need to explain how much you feel hurt by it, and why.

MollysChamber Fri 01-Jul-11 11:37:39

<snigger at Lizzie "rubbing your face in it">

He bought the mags because he knows you don't approve and if he uses the PC you'd find out.

Personally I'd bin them, tell him you've binned them and ask him not to buy anymore because...... I don't think it needs anymore than that.

buzzsore Fri 01-Jul-11 11:39:54

It is a problem because the OP finds porn offensive and her dh knows this. He's not exactly the person she thought he was.

OP, you're not in the wrong to feel upset.

AliceWhirledSupportsTheStrike Fri 01-Jul-11 11:43:33

OP, you have every right to not like porn and expect your husband to respect that. And it is not true that all men use porn. You're allowed to be upset.

Do you know what you want to do about it?

ZZZenAgain Fri 01-Jul-11 11:44:49

If it is getting between you and your feelings for him, I think you will have to tell him how you feel. He may stop leaving these magazines in his office just as he stopped viewing on your home pc but he may still continue with it I suppose.

You don't have to like it or accept it IMO

Malificence Fri 01-Jul-11 11:57:01

"Think of it as his private sex life that's separate from the one you share" hmm
Are you serious? People in a relationship don't get to have a private sex life, masturbation is part of your joint sex life, or it should be, even if it's done alone.
Presumably Op is shocked about the anal porn because she didn't know he had an interest in it ? That's not acceptable on any level, for a healthy sexual relationship you need to know all your partner's interests.

Regardless of the wider issues of porn, secrecy within relationships is very bad.

GypsyMoth Fri 01-Jul-11 12:06:25

Llizzie......why do you class gay porn as dodgy??

schmarn Fri 01-Jul-11 12:07:29

Masturbation is part of your joint sex life?

If anyone here actually believes that their husband does not knock one out from time to time when they are not there, they are seriously deluded.

Malgosia Fri 01-Jul-11 12:10:04

why do you class gay porn as dodgy??

I should imagine that is you think you're in a hetero relationship and find your partner likes looking at gay porn, you may well think that there may in fact be a few problems.

ineedabodytransplant Fri 01-Jul-11 12:19:10

The OP obviously feels strongly that porn is wrong. Her OH obviously thinks it isn't, knows how she feels thus hides the mags away.

Where's the problem when I don't think she can demand he stops?

Not being thoughtless, never used porn, just curious. As they both disagree who decides?

If this makes sense

TheBolter Fri 01-Jul-11 12:20:19

I think Lizzie classes gay porn as dodgy because if he were to find it arousing, there could be a few issues at stake here regarding his sexuality.

OP you need to be more accepting of your dh's interests, and not treat him as though he's a dirty pervert just because he likes porn. He's not harming anyone by using it, and of course he's going to keep it quiet and furtive if you're going to get upset by his using it.

UnhappyLizzie Fri 01-Jul-11 12:27:34

Gay porn is not dodgy per se, but if a married man used it I'd be worried. I'm not prejudiced and don't put it in the same category as animals/kids, but I think it might be a bit concerning.

I'm biased here, a friend's dh left her for a man after they had three kids and he'd been sleeping with men behind her back all through the marriage. She was devastated, she loved him, felt whole marriage was a lie. Also he'd had casual encounters with men, she was terrified about HIV, plus he told kids he was gay, shacked up with a man and was very open about it with kids, without consulting her first. They were 9, 7 and 5 at the time and she didn't think it was appropriate.

So yes I would be a bit wary of gay porn.

Malificence, are YOU serious? Agree with schwarn, masturbation isn't part of a joint sex life unless you're doing it together. What planet are you from?

You don't own someone's thoughts and fantasies just because you're married and you don't have a right to know all their sexual interests. I would say that's a very UNhealthy attitude to sex. Everyone has a right to their own private fantasies, you don't OWN someone to the extent that they owe it to you to tell you all their thoughts!

Malificence Fri 01-Jul-11 12:31:40

Shmarn, really, don't start that argument with me around. wink

Some men don't masturbate because they don't want to, some don't because they are not allowed to, you are the deluded one if you think that's not the case .

If you'd read my post properly however, you would see that I said "even when done alone".

This thread is not about masturbation, this is about secret and unacceptable porn use.

Solidarity Fri 01-Jul-11 12:35:16

Not allowed to? - how do you stop them?

Malificence Fri 01-Jul-11 12:36:20

I believe it's absolutely essential for a healthy relationship to know all your partner's sexual interests and fantasies.

Actaully, I do own my husband, as he owns me. wink

Malificence Fri 01-Jul-11 12:38:49

You have obviously never heard of male chastity devices Solidarity.
Some women keep men locked up for weeks at a time with no release.

Google male chastity, you might learn somehting today.

Tortington Fri 01-Jul-11 12:40:56

oh for gods sake. its just porn.

i dont understand wailing and crying over porn - unless its an obsession - and then its more about the addiction

i can't believe anyone buys mags anymore when its available on tinternet.

Malificence Fri 01-Jul-11 12:44:40

How nice of you to invalidate the OP's feelings Custardo.

Surely you've read enough threads on here to understand how secretive porn use can damage relationships?

Solidarity Fri 01-Jul-11 12:45:05

Mal; I'm sorry but I think a relationship such as you describe is everything but healthy. Everyone needs a few 'private moments' -

Al0uiseG Fri 01-Jul-11 12:48:39

There is absolutely no way of knowing what goes on in your partners head when it comes to sex, unless he tells you everything Even then thats open to interpretation

I dont "own" any other human being including my husband of 15 years or our two children. hmm

I'm not averse to using porn to get some kicks and neither is dh, either separately or together (tmi -sorry) Porn or no porn, we cannot really control what turns us on, we certainly cant control what turns our partner on.

My guess is if you ask him not to use porn, he'll just get better at hiding it. The Internet would never be at this advanced stage if it hadn't been for porn. As a programmer im sure you recognise that.

Solidarity Fri 01-Jul-11 12:53:40

And Mal - there is absolutely no way you can tell what's going on in someone's head - you can be having sex with your dh and he's fantasising that you're the woman who works in the post office.

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