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Would this constitute unreasonable behaviour?

(16 Posts)
didcot1 Fri 01-Jul-11 10:00:59

Sorry long
Am seriously considering ending my 5 year marriage. I feel real unhappy and I am not sure if I can put up with his behaviour anymore. Some examples.
A few days before Xmas I arranged to visit brother who lives 150 miles away. They don't really get on. He didn't want me to go but I held my ground. Whilst away I received a text basically telling me if I wasn't home by x time I could find somewhere else to stay.
I also feel that he doesn't value my contribution to the household. (SAHM) I was sorting something out for him which involved checking his email. I noticed an email to his ex. I still see her and like her. I know I should not have looked and that probably makes me as bad as him but what I saw really upset me.
Glad you've got a job a things are starting to sort themselves out for you. Should also help with finances as you are sharing bills - mind you, not always cheaper living together - I used to have some money, then had wife lost most of it, then kids lost more.
Do you know of any good plumbers given up asking didcot, she's only had 6 years to ask it!! Looking at getting ... (know i should have done something about it but busy with 2dc)
Telling me we are spending too much and need to budget more. However, it seems budgeting applies to things like food shopping but not expensive treats for dc and him.
Could probably think of lots more like commenting on something on tv so I take cue to have conversation and get told to shut up.
Sure I could come up with other reasons but you get the gist.
Also concerned about practicalities. I could afford to keep our house going and (dh) couldn't afford to buy me out. Would I be entitled to any benefits if I left?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Fri 01-Jul-11 13:15:36

Really sorry you're feeling so unhappy.

Bumping for someone who might know about benefits etc.

HerHissyness Fri 01-Jul-11 13:53:19

Your best bet is to go to the CAB and ask about payments and practicalities there. It's a good idea to inform yourself anyway, just so you are in the picture.

Once you know where you stand IF the worst comes to the worst, you will feel a bit better, I hope, less trapped.

Best advice? Sit him down and talk to him about all of this. Prepare and plan what you want to talk about, write it down if you need to. remain calm and take each one point by point.

Good luck!

TheOriginalFAB Fri 01-Jul-11 13:55:31

I can't understand the email but forget the ex and talk to your husband if you are that unhappy you are thinking of divorce. He might feel the same.

didcot1 Fri 01-Jul-11 14:44:55

I think the 1st email was probably a joke but it just sounded so nasty. Basically implying that I spent his money. Of course clearly forgetting that I had a house and job before having our children. Other bit was just a way of moaning about my failure to sort out a problem in the house. Good idea about CAB.
I know I need to talk as I am unhappy. However, I am not planning on doing anything rash as I am still getting over a bereavement.
Thank yuo for your replies.

didcot1 Fri 01-Jul-11 14:45:51

BTW ex's reply was only 2 words. I think she probably felt really uncomfortable.

Wisedupwoman Fri 01-Jul-11 15:12:05

If you're thinking of divorce for unreasonable behaviour, I don't think this does tbh (although I must stress I am not a sol, but I have gained a divorce on those grounds myself).

Sounds like you need to open up a converstion with him, but get advice from CAB first maybe.

didcot1 Fri 01-Jul-11 15:15:15

You are probably right Wise. I think I am probably taking things to heart too much. There is more but I don't want to be too identifyable.

Wisedupwoman Fri 01-Jul-11 17:37:04

Look, I don't know if this will help but when I petitioned on UB, I had to write 5 short paragraphs covering things like:

Affair - you can only cite one, and there needs to be some evidence. No-one is named these days.

Cruelty - instances of public humiliation for example

Dishonesty - speaks for itself

Financial control - withholding money

DV - again, speaks for itself.

Good luck.

mamas12 Fri 01-Jul-11 18:06:57

these are unreasonable behaviours.
He is isolating you from family by emotionally blackmailing you into not seeing your brother/family. He probably tells you who of your friends he approves of too doesn't he.
He does not respect you at all and I think you are right to think of leaving if not to jolt him into a different behaviour pattern if he can.
Go to cab
Get some counselling
His abuse will get worse when you start to stand up to him but do some research on the womens aid website about the wheel of abuse and think about that.

strawberryjelly Fri 01-Jul-11 18:24:29

There is alot on the web about what counts as UB- google it.

An affair is not UR- that is adultery and a reason for divorce in itself, if you have concrete evidence or the other party admits to it.

An affair which is intimate but which falls short of intercourse is classed as UB.

UB has to have happened in the last 6 months- and you have to keep/have a record or evidence.

Courts are reasonably lenient on what constitutes unreasonable behaviour- it can includeliving separate lives, one partner being emotionally distant or abusive, etc- as i said, look online and there is plenty of evidence on legal sites.

However, I doubt if a couple of emails between him and his ex, or his demanding you come home at a certain time are enough.

garlicnutter Fri 01-Jul-11 18:38:23

Unreasonable behaviour is anything you genuinely find impossible to live with. It doesn't have to be a certain 'kind' of unreasonable. If your respondent is very likely to contest the divorce application, it helps the court if you can prove your cited behaviour. But courts generally take the view that, if one of you has applied for a divorce, the marriage is more or less over. We divorced on frequent rows. A man divorced his wife because she cooks fish although he can't stand the smell. There are hundreds of divorces on grounds of snoring.

From a legal firm's website:
"In an unreasonable behaviour divorce petition, the petitioner sets out a number of allegations against the respondent.

"These allegations might include references to excessive drinking or financial extravagance, for example; but it's worth bearing in mind that the court doesn't insist on really severe allegations of unreasonable behaviour in order to grant a divorce. Relatively mild allegations, such as devoting too much time to a career, having no common interests or pursuing a separate social life may well suffice. Using mild allegations may also make it easier to agree a divorce petition with your spouse in advance. "

Get yourself to the CAB, then have a Very Serious Talk. Good luck!

strawberryjelly Fri 01-Jul-11 20:13:54

The only advantage of citing UB is that you get a quicker divorce without 2 years separation.

Saffysmum Fri 01-Jul-11 20:49:46

Hi - currently divorcing STBXB for UB, and my SHL (shit hot lawyer) says you need five reasons ([paragraphs) for the divorce petition.

It doesn't have to be in the last six months.

I told her everything that has happened in the last two years, from him first telling me that he no longer loved me (18 months ago) to him staying out all night without telling me where he was....to him being cruel and indifferent....at the end of the day, it's what is "unreasonable" for you. I gave about 20 examples, and she picked out the five needed.

Get a free hour with a Family lawyer, and they will soon tell you if what you have experienced is "unreasonable". I wondered if I had enough evidence, but was told that I had more than enough.

didcot1 Fri 01-Jul-11 21:40:47

Thank you everyone. I probably don't have enough but equally I am not sure if I want to go along that route. Want things to change so maybe counselling is the 1st step.

WishIWasRimaHorton Fri 01-Jul-11 22:02:01

one of the reasons of UR i cited for my divorce petition was that he replied 'whatever' to every question i asked and it annoyed me. also that we didn't have sex for over a year because he said i was too hot / sweaty (i'm really not...)

someone else i know used the fact that her ex never thanked her for meals she cooked for him.

it doesn't have to be earth shattering. most people could divorce their partners for UR if they chose to - even happily married people could give enough examples of UR in their partner to satisfy a court if they wanted to IYSWIM. it just has to be enough to present a picture of your unhappiness so that the court can rule that it is not reasonable to expect you to stay with him.

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