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Please kick me up the arse

(5 Posts)
sparename Thu 30-Jun-11 17:13:17

I am feeling sorry for myself and I know I am being pathetic.

I am married with a toddler. My DH is a really great bloke and I love him. He works FT, I'm a SAHM. We are supposed to be moving to a different area (new job for him) and I gave up my job, but for various reasons move has been postponed.

I am really, really, really bored. I spend all day every day with a whiney/tantrumy toddler (who I love more than life itself of course). I have local mum acquaintances but not really friends IYSWIM. I don't get out on my own very often (play sports but not as involved as I used to be because of DS). I also feel I am becoming dull- my identity is quite bound up in my job it seems and I feel I have nothing to talk about to DH.

I don't seem to see/speak to anyone for weeks on end except for DH, my parents and the local mums.

And recently I have been thinking about a relationship I had when I was about 20 with a really lovely guy. We both went off to uni in separate cities so it never really ran its course and I am wondering what if? I'm not even in touch with him anymore and can't locate him if I wanted to (v common name and no idea where he lives or what he does). It's really stupid and there was really nothing to the relationship but I'm thinking about him all the time (think I had a dream about him and that's how it started).

I am sure I'm just feeling stuck without my job or any resolution for our move issues, and I need to find out if we are going to move or get on with life here. And I am looking back nostalgically on a period in my life when I had freedom and no responsibility, and missing that new relationship excitement feeling. Seven year itch anyone? I have always seemed to have periods of time when I am so happy with DH and can't imagine anyone better for me, interspersed with periods where I think I went for a safe option and I miss my single life. I don't feel too close to him ATM. I met him quite young which I think doesn't help. Having said that I think it is normal for some element of ebb and flow to happen.

Objectively, I know I am so so lucky and usually I'm very optimistic and happy with my lot. Just need to snap out of this. Hopefully I will read over my very self-indulgent post and be embarrassed! But I wondered if anyone has felt the same way? And how do you work on your marriages? Because I think mine needs work!

Thanks for reading.

33goingon64 Thu 30-Jun-11 21:39:18

Hmm. It sounds as if you might be depressed, not especially caused by the things you mention, but maybe just because. And that's colouring your view of everything. Depending how bad you think it is, maybe a change of perspective will 'snap you out of it' or maybe you need to talk to someone?

I reckon the thoughts of this other man are not to do with feeling less for your DH but are about 'the grass is greener', a classic symptom of depression. What you should aim for, IMO, is to feel content with your lot, warts and all. Not for things to be perfect (when are they ever perfect?) but to feel in control of your happiness.

I think the best way to start is to make every effort possible to get out and meet/bond with other people, then you come home with stories for DH and you don't feel in such a bubble. I know you say you haven't really bonded with people but this could be because you are giving off negative vibes. Pretend you are happy and the real feeling will follow soon enough. Also, have you tried gardening? I find it makes me feel like nothing else matters, just me and nature... Good luck.

sparename Thu 30-Jun-11 22:32:34

Thank you for replying. You are right I have been feeling low generally. Certainly what you say about 'the grass is greener' and control is ringing true. In fact I have given that same advice about taking control of your happiness many times but it's not as easy to see from the inside. I think it has helped already just writing things down and seeing another perspective.

I think that sport does for me what gardening does for you and I will try to increase my paricipation again. DH doesn't really have hobbies so I feel a bit selfish going off to do mine, but I think I need it.

I will try to make more effort with the people I meet who seem like-minded. I know it is down to me.

Thank you again.

omaoma Thu 30-Jun-11 22:43:19

I don't think you should feel bad about expressing how frustrated and unfulfilled you are. The situation you are in is an anomoly - you should be knee-deep in organising new home/area/life at the moment but that fell through and so you are in a situation you would never have otherwise chosen.
Who would expect to be happy about that?

how long is the move postponed for - could it feasibly be quite a lot longer? in which case organise yourself some kind of job that will keep you entertained and busy and cover the childcare while you are waiting. If your local employment market isn't up to providing that kind of job, you need to renegotiate the familly finances/schedules with your partner in order to free up some money to enable you to stay mentally and physically active while you are waiting, however that works best for you.

What you seem to be expressing is horror and frustration because you've found your needs subsumed to those of your family. You are just as important as your child and husband, and dont' need to wait for their say so to create a situation wher eyou are happy and fulfilled

33goingon64 Fri 01-Jul-11 18:19:44

Definitely don't feel you can't practise your hobbies because DH doesn't have any. That's his problem! He might be inspired by you becoming more active and do the same. Then you will both have stories to bring home that aren't just about what the kids are doing.

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