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DP So Boring and makes zero effort with anything

(26 Posts)
Smugz Thu 30-Jun-11 13:13:48

DP is so boring I'm getting to the point where I don't really want much to do with him. He comes home from work at 5pm, has his tea and then goes upto bed about 7pm. In bed he eats whilst playing on his laptop or sometimes he actually goes to sleep about 8pm. We don't talk, if I strike up conversation he just grunts or tries to twist it around to sex all the time. He never goes out, he's been invited out for drinks with blokes from work loads of times, he says he doesn't drink so no point in going but this weekend he was invited to a rugby match with the lads and he said he was going and then pulled out last minute. Instead he goes around car boots with his dad etc. I feel like I'm living with an old man.
A few weekends ago we had a talk and said we'd make the effort for the weekend. so we went out for a meal and then when we came home the idea was to open a bottle of wine, watch a movie and then actually spend some quality time together in bed. So what happened? we got home at 9.30, he said he was going up to get changed, I poured two glasses of wine and he was taking ages so I went up to find him still fully dressed and sprawled out on the bed asleep. He jumped when I went in and said he was just resting his eyes. I said "are you coming down to watch a movie then?" and he was like "yeah in a bit" all the time blatently trying to fall asleep. I said in the end "well I'm going downstairs, I hope you can be arsed to join me before it gets too late" so he starts trying to get me to "come for a cuddle" on the bed etc - basically he wanted sex and then sleep as usual. It didn't happen. He fell asleep, I went downstairs and watched a movie on my own.
He just doesn't put any effort into anything. Like when we were getting ready for the resteraunt I got all dressed up and came downstairs to find him wearing jeans and a cheapo sports hoody. I said "how come you're not getting ready??" and he said "what? well - I am" I said "you're going out like that, seriously?" and he said "what's wrong with it??" ffs so we went out me dressed in a nice dress, pretty jewelry, make-up, new shoes and hair styled and he goes out in scruffy jeans and hoodie that he's had on all day with scruffy trainers, no aftershave or anything.

I sit here most days now thinking there MUST be a better man out there for me?? Or is this it? is this what all men turn out to be like after the novelty wears off?

wonderfultykes Thu 30-Jun-11 13:17:52

Could he be depressed?

Yeni Thu 30-Jun-11 13:21:37

What time does he wake up if he is going to sleep at 8pm?

Smugz Thu 30-Jun-11 13:22:12

I know it sounds like depression but he says he isn't. He doesn't seem depressed, doesn't act depressed but then what does a depressive act like? I suppose he's always been a bit like it but when we got together he stopped. For instance his mum told me she never used to bother phoning him after 8pm as he'd be asleep, this would have been when he was in his early 30s! Then when we got together he'd make a bit more effort, would stay up until 10.30ish but its slowly slipping back.

buzzsore Thu 30-Jun-11 13:24:03

Has he always been like this? Is it you that's changed or him?

It sounds very dull and no, all men are not like that.

Smugz Thu 30-Jun-11 13:24:43

He gets up about 3 times a night to go to toilet. This is another issue because when he gets up, I wake up so I've had years of broken sleep because of it.
Why anyone would need to go to toilet 3 times during the night baffles me, especially as he insists he doesn't suffer with any problems down there.

buzzsore Thu 30-Jun-11 13:28:58

Going to pee a lot can be a symptom of diabetes.

He does sound like he's always been a sloth but raised his game in the early part of your relationship, but now is reverting to type. If he's happy like it, you've got to work out what you want and whether he's it. He might be able to change, but he's quite likely to slip back.

dreamingbohemian Thu 30-Jun-11 13:33:22

How long have you been together? Do you have DC?

I don't know why you would resign yourself to this kind of life, tbh. No not all men turn out like this! Maybe they go to bed a bit earlier or go out a bit less, but this sounds really extreme.

I can't imagine being with someone you can't even talk to. What's the point?

Hullygully Thu 30-Jun-11 13:35:41

He is a dreamboat.

But seriousl, there must be something a bit wrong physically.

Yeni Thu 30-Jun-11 13:36:49

Tiredness can be another symptom of diabetes. He should get checked for that.

cybboid Thu 30-Jun-11 13:37:13

If he isn't depressed he is certainly VERY complacent and needs a firm word from you that you didn't sign up to spend the rest of your life with Wayne Slob

motherinferior Thu 30-Jun-11 13:42:29

I used to have a boyfriend who slept all the time (when not smoking dope). I am genuinely unsure, still, if he had depression or ME or something. He was certainly unspeakably boring.

Your DP might have diabetes. Or he might just be incredibly boring.

buzzsore Thu 30-Jun-11 13:44:14

Yeah, I reckon ask him to get checked out at the GP for any health problems (like diabetes). If it's not health issues, he's a lazy bugger.

fizzfiend Thu 30-Jun-11 13:45:22

That is not good. What is he interested in? Or what did he used to be interested in? Could you find something new to do together? He needs to know that your marriage is in a critical state and he has to make an effort because you really love him and don't want the marriage to fail, blah, blah.

What about bike riding/going for a run or walk together somewhere really pretty. Or planning a holiday...somewhere you've always wanted to go, or something like camping in a beautiful spot. I always find that doing something completely different/out of your comfort zone is a massive jolt (in a good way) to the system when life gets boring.

mummytime Thu 30-Jun-11 13:46:58

Get him to go to the Doctor. Some people do just have to wee a lot, but it could be either Diabetes or Prostrate cancer.

OTheHugeManatee Thu 30-Jun-11 13:50:37

How many hours a night does he sleep? 6-9 hours is the normal distribution for most adults. If he's sleeping more than that (eg 8pm-8am) every night then there might be something physically wrong with him?

pink4ever Thu 30-Jun-11 14:55:25

You have my sympathy. My dh is very similiar. He works long hours(7am-8pm 5 days a week). Comes home,has his dinner and goes to bed(so is in bed for half 8 usually). He blames this on working hard which he does but he also goes to bed at this time on a sunday!
We have also tried to spend time together on a sat night,watch movie etc but I get angry because he sees it as an excuse to get pissed. I like a glass of wine or two myself but he doesnt know when to stop(but thats probably a whole other thread!).
Also he doesnt have a social life-goes out with work friends once a year and also once with his brother and thats it. We go out together as a couple only
on our anniversary(due to lack of childcare). I on the other hand love going out-try and go out with friends every couple of months.
Another similiarity is the peeing all the time!-dh is also very inconsiderate and makes no effort to get up quietly. But he has had his prostate checked and appears to have no problems.
Sorry for the rant and no real advice but you are not alone in this problem!. I dread what is going to happen as we get older as he is only mid 40's!.

lookbutdonttouch Thu 30-Jun-11 15:07:42

Sounds like a joy to live with.

If it was me I would give him the choice.

Go to the doctors and get everything checked out, then if he is fine he can choose to engage in life and a life with you, or not.

If there is something wrong then you can deal with that then.

Frankly trying to go out for dinner in a hoody would do it for me.

Smugz Thu 30-Jun-11 15:10:32

He's already been checked for diabetes and prostate etc, his only health problem is that he's overweight which isn't surprising really.

oldwomaninashoe Thu 30-Jun-11 15:21:28

He sounds slothful, if he is not doing any physical exercise, is overweight this will become a vicious circle.
The sleep thing is a habit he has got into. He is probably so boring he is boring himself to sleep!

Is there any sport or outdoor activity he is interested in?

Tell him you always feel sexy when you see men working out and buy him a gym membership grin

wonderfultykes Thu 30-Jun-11 19:55:53

Agree with lookbut

Even if diabetes ruled out - if he's urinating three times a night i'd say this needs to be checked out - other conditions can lead to this too. Really advise checkup, if you can see a way to get him to the docs, then your conscience is clear. THen it's ultimatum time I'd say

verytellytubby Thu 30-Jun-11 20:30:10

Depressed, ill or lazy. Sounds tedious.

Have you got DC? Ultimatum time. If he goes to bed at 8pm I'd be out socialising.

TiggyD Thu 30-Jun-11 20:36:55

I'd say go out and have fun as well. Start living your life how you want to live it. Comprise if he makes an effort. No point in ruining your life just because you feel you have to stick with a duff bloke for some reason. People change. If you don't like the person he's changed into, leave.

garlicnutter Thu 30-Jun-11 23:10:28

You should have listened to his mum! A female friend of mine: very lively, adventurous and in her twenties, used to go to sleep at 9pm. If she stayed up with us til midnight, she'd have to go to bed about 6pm the following day! It was one of the reasons her engagement broke down. I go to bed really late - in my ideal world, the world would be awake all night & asleep all morning - and it has damaged all sorts of relationships for me.

Tiredness + lethargy + frequent toilet breaks are markers for several common but serious health conditions. You say he's been tested for diabetes & prostate, but did he really go? Should he go again? If he's a very thirsty person, that's another diabetes marker.

If tests can't find anything, try him on a multivitamin & mineral, plus mega-doses of Vitamin B complex and Omega 3. That will help with mild depression and fix any nutritional imbalances like anaemia.

Failing all that .. go to bed at 8pm yourself? You could go down the gym when it opens at 7am!!

UnlikelyAmazonian Thu 30-Jun-11 23:22:09

Jesus, is your poor bloke some kind of lab monkey? you are all talking about him as though he is some specimen piss-test.

FFs op, if you don't like him, butt out of his life. With your bingle bangles and bling, your dancy-wancey outlook on life ( there is clearly nothing of substance going on in your heart for this chap) and your criticisms of him you sound like a right bloody bore yourself.

Is there a chance he is just feckin TIRED OF YOU?
Have a heart. Pack him in before he dies of pretending.

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